Kymber’s Get to Know You (January 9, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have been quite tired over the past few days, so didn’t do much writing. I’m still proud to say that this is my sixth blog post in January. Considering that some months in 2024, I only published five posts total, this is good.

Anyway, regular readers may remember me participating in the Wednesday Hodgepodge for a while. I stopped doing that, because I didn’t like it that the overwhelming majority of participants’ posts were heavily Christian-based. Now though, I seem to have found something to replace it with: Kymber’s Get to Know You. Here are the questions for this week and my answers.

1. What is the most memorable activity you did with your family as a child?
Not an activity we did as a whole family, but play-based learning with my parents comes to mind. For example, my father taught me to calculate squares using computer chips he’d been removing out of the devices himself. I also remember us looking at maps together. My mother also made little books in large print for me to learn to read when I was about four. Here in the Netherlands, children don’t usually learn to read until they’re six, but I was a precocious learner. My parents will probably be proud to see me list these “intellectual” activities.

2. What quality do you appreciate most in a friend?
Acceptance. I want to be myself with a friend and if they aren’t willing to accept that, fine but they aren’t my friend. I will also accept my friends for who they are. I don’t mean that mutual annoyances can’t happen. They happen between me and my spouse, who I consider to be my best friend, all the time. However, when it comes down to it, we accept each other for who we are.

3. What is one characteristic you received from your parents you want to keep and one you wish you could change?
My mother jokes that I inherited all my positive qualities from my father and all my negative ones from her. I was almost going along with it, because indeed the first positive characteristic I thought of comes from my Dad and the first negative one from my Mom. However, I’d like to boost my Mom’s self-esteem a bit (should she ever read this) and lessen my Dad’s. Therefore, I’d like to keep my Mom’s creativity and get rid of my Dad’s snobbishness.

Regrets

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Yesterday, Sadje asked in her Sunday Poser what regrets we have about not doing, being or having something in our life.

I could share that I regret not having finished college or not having lived independently longer, but I don’t. I mean, I know my “choice” to land in the psych ward caused me to be practically abandoned by my family of origin, but I wouldn’t have my spouse now if I hadn’t gotten myself admitted. In fact, I might not have been here to write about regrets, as I was actively suicidal at the time. You could argue that I wouldn’t have died anyway. Even if death weren’t the result of my continuing to muddle through, I would have more than likely caused irreversible damage to the relationships that matter. I honestly, after all, can’t believe my parents wouldn’t have abandoned me if I’d spiraled more seriously out of control. And I’m pretty sure, like I said, that my now spouse, whom I’d just met, wouldn’t have stuck by me then either.

This doesn’t mean there isn’t a voice in me that wishes I’d done some things differently. However, as long as I live, there’s always a moment to do things differently now. For instance, if I really wish I’d finished college, I could always enroll into an Open University program.

Likewise, I do sometimes wonder whether I could’ve been more independent if this or that about my life had been different. Then again, if I really want to be more independent, I can take steps, no matter how small, to achieve it. The proverbial deep end doesn’t work for me, since that was what I got when living independently and going to university. However, I can always take steps towards improving my life.

I, as many of you know, do regret having moved out of Raalte and into the intensive support home. That, now, I see as a lesson: I want to stay here at my current home, because even if it isn’t perfect, the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. Like one of my staff sometimes says, some places don’t even have grass.

I’m linking up with Senior Salon Pit Stop #338.

If You Aren’t Prepared For an Imperfect Child…

Posted on by Astrid

Yesterday someone on Reddit’s Childfree sub asked why many parents-to-be have this idea that they’ll get the perfect child. You might say that having dreams for your unborn child is normal, and it is. Having this clear-cut image of what your child will (that is, should) achieve in life, is not.

Of course, there are thankfully many parents who are able to adjust their image of their child if (or rather, when) said child does not conform to their initial expectations. My parents, unfortunately, are not among them.

Like I’ve probably shared on this blog before, when I was a baby and sustained a brain bleed due to premature birth, my parents were concerned for my quality of life. This is more or less normal, although it wasn’t back in the ’80s. In fact, the doctor flat out told my parents not to interfere, since they were keeping me alive period. I am forever grateful for this, despite the fact that the same doctor admitted in 2004 that he sometimes meets former preemies he’d been keeping alive that he now thinks of: “What have we done?!”

At that time, I thought he would not mean me. I was still passing for “just blind” and, though blindness is considered a major disability, it’s one that by itself does not prevent someone from living independently and going to university.

That was the exact same reason my father, when talking about euthanasia of severely disabled babies in 2006, didn’t mean me. He did, however, mean those with intellectual disability and those with severe mobility impairments (the case at hand involved a baby with severe spina bifida). And I’ll never forget that he added to his statement that he didn’t mean me, “because you’re training to live independently and go to university”. As you all know, that didn’t work out.

My parents did find a workaround to the problem of my not being the perfect child they’d envisioned: they decided that my landing in the mental health system and now in a care home for those with intellectual disability, is my choice rather than a necessity. I haven’t fully processed all the ways in which this attitude, which some of my care professionals took over, has impacted me. It hurts though.

Now back to the idea of a perfect child. Even when disability isn’t involved, a child is their own unique individual, with their own strengths, weaknesses, wants and needs. When a parent decides that their child should go to university at eighteen even though they are still in Kindergarten, like my parents did, that doesn’t just impact a disabled child. It impacts any child for whom for whatever reason university isn’t the best place to go at eighteen. Such as, for instance, any child with an average or even slightly above-average IQ. Or any child that is more capable of practical jobs than of academic ones. And any child who, God forbid, doesn’t want to go to university.

If you aren’t ready for a disabled child, a child who isn’t a top achiever, a child who might I say has their own personality, by all means don’t become a parent. You don’t know what your child will be like, after all. Having dreams is alright, but be ready to adjust your image of your child when the need arises. And for goodness’ sake, don’t guilt trip your child for being themselves.

I’m linking this post up with this week’s #WWWhimsy.

Parenting Advice From a Childfree Survivor of Childhood Trauma

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s RagTag Daily Prompt is “parenting”. Since I’m currently recovering from meeting my parents for my birthday, I’m going to make a list of parenting advice my parents should’ve received. I realize their inability to love me unconditionally wasn’t unwillingness. In fact, the fear that I may have this same inability is one reason I’m childfree. This post is a random list and may come across a bit harsh, but so be it.

1. A family is not a business. It doesn’t have to be run efficiently. Yes, I understand you get impatient with your child’s struggles at times, but this isn’t their problem – it’s yours.

I was constantly shamed for needing too much help and my parents gave up on teaching me basic skills of daily living because I got frustrated and the task didn’t get done efficiently.

2. Challenging behavior does not make the child (especially young child) bad or manipulative. Behavior is communication, yes, but to search for hidden motives behind it, is actually quite arrogant.

I was told by my parents that, by age seven, I had come up with some idea to manipulate everyone into thinking I was different in all kinds of other ways besides blind because I didn’t accept my blindness. News flash: I am those other things.

3. Children are incredibly loyal to authority figures, be it their parents, teachers, or others. When you fight the school or healthcare system over something rather than trying to be cooperative, the child will experience a conflict of loyalty. This means that, just because they side with you eventually, it isn’t necessarily in their best interest.

My parents were constantly fighting the school over my needs, because the school denied my intelligence. Then again, my parents minimized my emotional difficulties. When an educational psychologist who saw both my intelligence and my emotional issues, nonetheless advised special education for me, my parents still weren’t happy even though they’d chosen this ed psych, because they were dead set on me being mainstreamed.

4. Your child is not an extension of your ego. For this reason, they do not have to follow an educational or career path you like. It isn’t their job to make up for your lost dreams.

See also above. From the time I was a young child on, it was clear that, by age eighteen, I’d live on my own and go to university. Interestingly, neither of my parents have a college degree and particularly my mother feels “dumb” for it even though she worked herself up to a management position that usually requires a college degree.

5. Your child doesn’t need to prove their value. They do not need to prove they were “worth raising” by being anything, be it independent, successful, or whatever. If you don’t want a disabled child, a child of a certain gender, or whatever, you shouldn’t have a child.

I have probably said this before, but my parents, particularly my father, seriously think that a child needs to prove they were worth raising by being successful in life as an adult. He didn’t mean me when he said this, “because you’re training for independent living”. Well, now that I’m in an institution with seven hours of one-on-one a day, he obviously does mean me, since the few times I’ve seen him since he’s barely acknowledged me.

6. Love your child unconditionally. This does not mean agreeing with every single decision they make, but it does mean being there for them when they need you. And this doesn’t end when they turn 21. With a few exceptions (an adult child becoming a criminal, for example), parenting is a lifelong commitment.

I am linking this post up with #WWWhimsy as well.

“St. Nick, I’m Stuck!”

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry for not having touched the blog for nearly a week. I’ve been struggling once again. However, today I feel in an okay place mentally at least, so I thought I’d join in with John Holton’s Writer’s Workshop. One of the prompts is to share when you learned that Santa/the Easter bunny/the tooth fairy was your parents.

I’ll have to talk about St. Nicholas rather than any of the others here, because that’s what we celebrate most here in the Netherlands. St. Nicholas is like Santa, except he has helpers called Peters. They used to be black, but now they come in every color or with black streaks across their faces (from creeping through chimneys to deliver presents) because the concept of Black Peter is racist.

I was eight the last year when I still believed in St. Nick. This was 1994. As the legend goes, St. Nick and his Peters would ride over the rooftops on a white horse and maybe they’d descend through the chimney to deliver presents.

That year, on the evening of December 5, my parents, sister and I were having dinner when we heard noise coming from the roof. We didn’t have a chimney, but I was still too clueless to think about that. “St. Nick, help, I’m stuck!” We went looking for where the sound came from and saw that there were presents in the loft under the staircase.

Eight is a fairly old age to still believe in St. Nick. In fact, I’d been packaging St. Nicholas presents for my teachers for several years by then. By the year after this, when literally everyone my age had stopped believing, my father spoiled the beans for me: he came to me with a cassette tape, put it in the player and there it was: “St. Nick, help, I’m stuck!” It was his own voice, slightly distorted. By that time, I knew for sure that St. Nicholas was my parents.

December 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m early sharing my end-of-the-month reflections, because I’ll share a review of the entire year tomorrow or on Sunday and I just now felt inspired to write. As usual, I’m linking up with #WBOYC.

The month started out pretty good with my new, pretty much ideal day schedule having taken effect. I did worry slightly that it’d be taken away if I didn’t spend my every two-hour activity time slot in the afternoon actually working with polymer clay or doing some other long activity. Thankfully, so far, it’s not been changed.

Also early in the month, I started acting out a bit because I got assigned a temp worker due to a staffing rearrangement. I started constantly comparing myself to a client who doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Finally though, I calmed down and asked my assigned staff to write in my signaling plan that staff focus on validating my feelings and needs rather than feeding my comparison trap.

In mid-December, I went on the lights tour (I called it “Christmas lights tour”, but it wasn’t actually specifically Christmassy) around town. I loved it but had to agree with the staff that going without my one-on-one wouldn’t have been an option.

Christmas itself was okay but overwhelming. My spouse and I spent Christmas day at my parents’, where my sister and her family were too. Dinner was a lot better than I expected. However, both my spouse and I were overwhelmed by my nieces and my spouse might’ve contracted whatever illness my sister was carrying (COVID, possibly).

We spent the afternoon after Christmas at my in-laws having a Christmassy lunch. I went for an hour-long walk with my mother-in-law that day.

Like I mentioned last week, the storm last week caused one of my institution staff to be hit by a falling tree. She unfortunately died. This was quite a scary experience to many people here, so I for one at least hardly went for walks all week. I finally found out how to check for weather warnings today, so was able to go on a walk (two, in fact) again. Thankfully, the areas with lots of trees now cannot be entered anyway.

I have been slightly more creative than I used to be over the past month. Stilll not as creative as I’d like to be, but I’m getting better. Projects included another polymer clay unicorn, a butterfly and a pineapple charm. Also a dolphin which hardly anyone sees as a dolphin. The worst insult it’s gotten is that it’s a mouse.

Polymer Clay Dolphin

In the health department, I did okay. I did gain 2kg over this past month, all within the last two weeks. However, I am still within the weight range I agreed upon with my dietitian and on the upper end of a healthy BMI. I did resolve to lose those 2kg eventually though, but it doesn’t have to be in two weeks.

I do have some pain in my lower abdomen. No UTI and a bladder scan was normal too. I guess that’s a positive thing.

Another positive thing, which I almost forgot to mention, is the fact that my one-on-one got renewed. Not just that, but the hours the agency had asked for, were granted. This means my care for now will definitely not be decreased, like I had feared. After all, until the renewal, the agency was paying for some hours itself and that couldn’t have lasted. Thankfully, the Care Office granted the full number of hours requested.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (December 13, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday, so time for the Wednesday HodgePodge. I’m so happy Joyce, being a Christian, did her best to be inclusive by not mentioning “Christmas” specifically where it wasn’t necessary and instead writing “the holidays”. Thanks for being mindful of those subscribing to other faiths or spiritual paths or none at all! Here goes.

1. Oxford’s Word of the Year for 2023 is “rizz”. Hmmm…before today had you ever heard the word? Do you know what it means? (Apparently it’s short for charisma) Have you ever used the word? If you were in charge of the world, what word would you declare word of the year for 2023?
Never heard of it nor used it. No, I had no idea what it means. If I were in charge of the world, wouldn’t I have better things to do than decide on a word for 2023? I have no idea what word I’d declare a universal word of the year.

2. What’s one word you tend to abbreviate in your writing or speech? (as in rizz for charisma)
I can’t think of any off the top of my head. I remember in high school we abbreviated a lot. “Philo” for philosophy class, for example. My spouse said it’s a grammar school thing. I remember the Center for Consultation and Expertise consultant writing a report on me in 2018 abbreviating the Dutch word for grammar school, which is “Gymnasium” (and no, it has nothing to do with sports) to “Gym” too. This may not sound as unusual to American readers, who abbreviate their version of gymnasium all the time, but it’s a real grammar school thing to say “I went to Gym” to say your secondary school was a grammar school.

3. Are you a Hallmark movie watcher this time of year? What’s your favorite character from a holiday-themed movie, book, or TV special?
I answered this question last year too I think, to the effect that I’ve never seen any Hallmark movies. Nor have I read many Christmassy or winter-themed books. I’d say my favorite characters are Aisha and Emily from the chapter book Snowstar and the Big Freeze by Daisy Meadows (and all of that series).

4. Something you look forward to eating this month?
Cinnamon stars, of course! I always talk about those. They are a type of holiday-themed cookie by a Dutch brand called Bolletje. They come in chocolate tree and coconut bell (or vice versa) varieties too. Two years ago, I got four packages of cinnamon stars from my day activities staff in Raalte and had to share the last package before it expired in late February.

5. What’s the most stressful part of the holiday season for you?
This year, visiting my parents on the 25th. It’ll be the first time in five years that we’ll be visiting them and the first time in as many years that we’ll be together as a family (including my sister). Of course, my brother-in-law and two nieces will come too.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I updated to iOS 17.2 last Monday, which introduces the Journal app to the iPhone. So far, the only thing I sort of like is the Suggestions thing, which Day One, my usual journal app, has made use of too, since it’s an API. I still think it needs improving on though.

I Am (Not!) 154

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Today’s topic for Friday Faithfuls is IQ testing. This topic is very dear to my heart, as IQ tests have often been used and even more often misused to determine my entire life path.

When I was twelve, I had an IQ test administered to me. It was the verbal half of the Wechsler intelligence scale for children (the performance half can’t be administered to me because of my blindness). On this verbal IQ test, I got an overall score of 154. According to the educational psychologist writing the report, this is a sign of giftedness.

There were several problems with this assigned IQ score. For one thing, like I said, it’s just a verbal IQ score. The year prior, another ed psych had tried an intelligence test for visually impaired children which utilizes non-verbal components, but had given up on the test midway through because I got too frustrated. This ed psych had also administered the verbal half of the Wechsler scale, but her report doesn’t give an IQ number.

Another thing, which you might figure out from my previous paragraph, is the possibility of a retest effect, since I took the exact same test twice in a year. The ed psych that labeled me with an IQ of 154 did try to find out whether this had actually happened. He asked me whether I had been told when taking the test the last time which answers were correct and which weren’t. I had, in fact, with some, and besides, my father had given me extensive advice on how to answer some questions even more cleverly than I had done. However, I knew the purpose of this assessment: to get the green light for me to go into mainstream, high level secondary education rather than special ed for the blind. I wasn’t at the time really sure whether that’s what I wanted, but my parents did and I, being twelve, didn’t question their authority. So I said “no” and the ed psych concluded there was no retest effect.

I don’t doubt that I have an above-average verbal IQ. But 154, in my opinion, is probably too high. Besides, verbal intelligence is what you need to succeed in traditional schoolwork. What you need to succeed in life, is more related to performance IQ, if you ask me.

Even now though, nearly a quarter of a century later, the number 154 pops up here and there and everywhere with regards to me. Professionals keep assigning new dates to the original IQ score, calling it a total rather than verbal IQ, and making more nonsense out of these ever-intriguing three digits.

I have tried to talk to the behavior specialist about this. What I really want is to be re-evaluated. Not just with respect to (verbal) IQ, but with respect to other things too. She for now only agreed to write a note by the IQ score of 154 saying that it dates back 25 years.

You’d assume that, in intellectual disability services, it wouldn’t matter whether your IQ is 100 or 150, since it means no intellectual disability regardless. However, several of my current staff have admitted being wowed at my IQ score before they got to know me. I hate that the most, being reduced to being 154.

Hometowns

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s topic for Tell Us About… is “hometowns”. I remember having to choose my hometown on Facebook and apparently it’s the city I was born in. That would be Rotterdam. I only lived there for nine years before moving to Apeldoorn for my mother’s work. Honestly, if I had to choose a town I’d consider “home” it’d be that, even though I don’t care for the rather narrow-minded people who live here. I guess the Apeldoorn area is only “home” to me because I’ve lived here the longest and I’d probably have felt much happier had I stayed in Rotterdam for life. No-one can be sure though.

When I lived in Apeldoorn between 1996 and 2007, I lived in two different neighborhoods. The one I lived in with my parents was a kid-friendly neighborhood built in the 1970s. One of my father’s acquaintances called it an unrban planning train wreck, because the streets were so disorganized you’d get lost even when you knew your way around.

The training home neighborhood was built in the late 1990s to early 2000s. My street was called Boomgaard, which translates to “Orchard” in English. Yes, all streets in that neighborhood had weird names like “Silent Garden”, “Banister”, etc. Then again, the street names in my childhood neighborhood in Apeldoorn were almost equally weird.

As a child and teen, I often went shopping in downtown Apeldoorn with my Mom and sister. I can’t say I enjoyed it (except for going to McDonald’s at the end), but it was manageable.

Since my parents also moved out of Apeldoorn, I didn’t revisit the city after moving to Nijmegen in 2007 until I moved back to the area when moving into the institution last year. One thing I noticed, and it’s only recently dawned upon me how bad it is, is how many brick-and-mortar stores have closed. A telling example is my mentioning to my spouse recently that The Body Shop has a store in Apeldoorn that we might be able to check out. To be sure, I did a store search on the website and guess what? It’s gone! I could really have known, since half the store buildings in Orangerie, the main shopping center, are empty. This really saddens me.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (September 6, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. It’s National Read A Book Day…whatcha’ reading? What’s a book you want to read?
Honestly, I’m not currently reading any book. That is, I’m paging through a few, among them a positive body image workbook and Find Your Path by Carrie Underwood. And of course a ton of journaling books. I can’t remember the last book I actually read. I thought I wanted to read Cathy Glass’ latest foster care memoir, only to find out it’s her penultimate book. That’s truly sad, as I love the author. It immediately caused me so much disappointment I don’t think I want to read this book after all.

2. Which is better…having high expectations or low expectations? Explain why.
I am probably in the minority here, but I think having low expectations is better. Still better yet is having no expectations at all, but to let things unfold as they will. I grew up with parents who put a lot of pressure on me under the guise of high expectations and this – among many other things – led to some emotional scars. I also feel that, if we have high expectations of others in life in general – so people other than those lower on the social ladder than us (like children) -, we often come across as demanding and critical.

3. Serenity is ________________________.
A feeling of calm and being in the present.

4. What’s the most interesting thing in your purse or pocket right now?
Uhm, I don’t have a purse and rarely have anything in my pockets.

5. What helps you calm down?
Ideally, lying under my weighted blanket with my stuffed lemur’s tail over me, my essential oil diffuser on and a calming Spotify playlist like this one playing on my music pillow. Or just lying under my weighted blanket, if my phone needs charging and I don’t have any essential oil blend in my diffuser at the moment.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I have some awesome news: I have a moving date!!! On September 18, I will be moving to the new care home. I still know next to nothing about it, but I’ll follow my advice on question #2 and just let things unfold as they will.