Gratitude List (August 24, 2025) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last joined Ten Things of Thankful (#TToT), but today, I feel like it. Here are my gratefuls for the past week.

1. Baking a cake. Earlier this week, I decided to use up the second of three cake mixes I’d gotten from my parents for my birthday. It was raspberry cake. Unfortunately, I found out today that the third mix had an expiration date in April, so I threw it away. Now I do think the other mixes probably had their expiration dates at the same time, as they came in one package, but oh well.

2. A long bike ride. On Wednesday, the staff and I rode the side-by-side bike to the nearby town to get groceries, only for me to realize then that I didn’t know what groceries I’d wanted to buy, so we decided to just bike around. It turned out I’ve broken my record for the longest bike ride at 19.3km.

3. The night staff. I’ve been needing their support a few times lately and often feel like a burden. The night staff used to make that feeling worse by telling me to “just try to sleep”. Thankfully, recently they’re telling me that I am not a burden and they’re there for me as much as they are there for everyone else. Even if they don’t fully mean this, it helps me feel more comfortable.

4. The staff having cooked chicken and noodles for us on Wednesday.

5. An institution cafeteria sandwich on Thursday.

6. Green tea. Always, green tea. I’ve been requesting it in the evening more often lately and that’s been feeling good.

7. My having been allowed to play DJ again with the home’s large Bluetooth speaker. I mostly played ABBA songs, but did one MARINA song too, realizing only when it’d started that it was rather explicit. Oh well, most of the residents don’t know English and the few who do, just chuckled at it.

8. Mini candy bars. A fellow resident’s parents brought them yesterday and they are yum! I only found out that they were from Aldi today. If I’d known earlier, I’d have asked my spouse to drive by there on the way from Apeldoorn to the institution so that I could pick up a bag myself.

9. Diarium, a diary app. Recently, there was a discussion on Reddit about journaling and I decided to give this app, which is available on both Windows and iOS, another try. It has a lot fewer features than Day One, but Day One’s web-based interface (there’s no PC app) honestly sucks.

10. The weather. We’ve been having lower temps this week than last week and I’ve had to wear my jeans again and even put on a jacket some of the time. Still, it’s been warm and sunny enough.

Reminders to My Struggling Self

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. In one of my many collections of journaling prompts, I came across a prompt about what you’d like to remind yourself of the next time you’re in a downward spiral. I’m pretty sure I responded to this prompt already at least once, but I’ll do it again. After all, today is the first day in a while that I didn’t have any significant stressors. Not that I’ll likely look at this list when I’m spiraling into crisis, but oh well. Here are some notes to my struggling self.

1. I have a friend. My spouse and I may be in the process of divorcing, but that doesn’t mean we won’t stay friends.

2. I have supportive people to connect with online and in real life. I’m thinking of my in-laws, but also of my support circle online. Some of these people, I’ve known for 15 years.

3. My staff may not always do the right thing, but they mean well. Yes, it’s a myth that they’re completely working in my best interest (simply because they have other people’s and the organization’s interest in mind too), but they do want to help me.

4. I have survived much worse than I’m enduring now. This doesn’t mean that my current suffering isn’t valid, but it does show that I am strong.

5. I am allowed to feel like crap, but wallowing in my feelings doesn’t help the situation.

6. The world may not have been made for me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t work towards improving it.

7. I can still write. And I can still create with polymer clay and other materials. I can express myself.

8. I can still move. Even if walking is painful (it currently is, but thankfully less so than it used to be), I can move in other ways.

9. I know myself best and know what’s best for me. I should really use my voice.

10. Pain (be it physical or emotional) is temporary. Things will (most likely) get better.

11. I have the capacity to find joy in little things. Such as homemade latte, my staff having repaired an old handmade necklace, or a staff complimenting me on my ability to adapt that particular moment.

12. A day doesn’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to listen to what my former assigned staff at the intensive support home said: that I’m negative because I didn’t have a perfect day even when my day schedule was followed without interruption. I am allowed to say “Okay” when people ask me how I am. I am not a bad person for not being upbeat.

13. I’m not a monster for being in crisis. I am still me.

I’m joining Thursday Thirteen (even though it’s still Wednesday here). I’m also joining #WWWhimsy.

Today’s Small Joys (June 1, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Today is a mixed day emotionally. In the morning, I was quite tired and this frustrated me. At night, I also experienced frustration at the fact that, tomorrow morning, there’ll only be temp workers on this side of the home. We’ll see how it goes though and right now, I want to write and not just moan. So I’m joining Sunny Sunday and sharing this day’s small joys.

1. Doing my hair. I rarely do anything with my hair except for brushing it, but today I decided I wanted it in a ponytail. I have a dozen scrunchies and selected one that has a really velvety texture.

2. Perfume. I also decided to spray on some perfume. I rarely do this and wasn’t sure anyone other than me would notice, but my best friend did.

3. A white Kinder Bueno. Usually my best friend and I buy one to share when we’re at Hema, my best friend’s favorite store. We were there this afternoon, but only to have lunch. I said I wanted to pop into Aldi for some quark and my best friend apparently needed groceries too. It still surprised me that, when dropping me off at the institution, my best friend gave me the Kinder Bueno.

4. A pun on the word “quark”. For those not from Europe, quark is like thick yogurt (sometimes wrongly called cottage cheese). My friend though found another meaning, some type of physics term, and kept asking me whether I wanted “hadron-yogurt”. This is something I truly love about our friendship: the tons of inside jokes that no-one else understands.

5. A large stroopwafel (cookie) with my evening coffee. According to my foo plan, I only get those on Fridays and Saturdays, so it was great having a treat.

6. Lovely comments from my readers. I am so glad I don’t rely on search engines like Google (thank you not, AI) to drive traffic to my blog. I do really hope blogging will withstand the influx of AI.

7. Speaking of AI, having some more creative ideas thanks to a ChatGPT convo I had several months ago and was reminded of today. Specifically, I had ChatGPT create a Premo polymer clay color recipe for the color of my best friend’s car and was reminded of this when a person in a Facebook group asked for Premo color recipes. There are plenty on Etsy, but in that group, we aren’t allowed to mention vendors. Another commenter said a lot of it is experimenting. I am now wanting to start experimenting with colors. I know the result will likely be poor because of my blindness, but I love the creative flow this idea gets me into.

Today’s Small Joys (March 2, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m struggling intensely today. I often say that these days are the best for gratitude lists, but I don’t feel capable of doing an entire ten things of thankful. Instead, I’m going to list some small pleasures from today. I’m joining Sunny Sunday.

1. Coffee. My staff brought me an extra cup of coffee when waking me up.

2. Crunchy muesli. I treated myself today.

3. Earning some top commenter achievements on Reddit. Don’t ask me how.

4. Beautiful weather: it was quite sunny and mild with a daytime high of 10°C.

5. A delicious burger at McDonald’s.

6. A hug from my spouse. In fact, the entire visit was good. Having my spouse on my side genuinely helps.

This was easier than I thought. In fact, the E-mail newsletter I got this idea from, suggested listing only one to three things and I made it to six.

My Hopes for 2025

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s January 1 and I am absolutely not motivated to set resolutions or goals for the new year. In fact, I think calling them “hopes” like I usually do, isn’t doing the trick either. I’m too scared that voicing my hopes is tempting fate. However, I’m going to push through anyway and write them down.

1. Be more aware of my eating habits and eat more healthily. I am still within the agreed-upon weight range for my dietitian (or was when I last weighed myself, which admittedly was before Christmas), but barely so and I’d really like to lose some weight. More importantly though, I need to make sure I’m making healthier food choices.

2. Find a physical activity other than walking that I will be able to do regularly for a longer period of time. I tried swimming, but it’s rare that a staff who can meet my needs is assigned to me during the time the pool is open for me. I’m thinking of going to a gym.

3. Give movement therapy (Sherborne) a fair chance and make some progress on it. I do think I gave play therapy a good enough chance, especially since my first impression of the therapist was already quite bad and I went nine times or so. However, I really do think I need to step out of my comfort zone in movement therapy if I want to make it work.

4. Further taper my medication. This needs a caveat though, since I need to really be aware of whether decreasing my dosage is a wise decision and, if not, what the alternatives are.

5. Remain relatively stable mental health-wise. I have been doing okay over the past month or so and my staff say that certainly after my last med taper, I’ve been relatively stable. Like I said, I’d really like to taper my medication even further, but it’s a priority for me to stay within an acceptable range with respect to mental stability. Although I feel that meds are for me, not anyone else, I don’t want to become an unmanageable monster.

6. Work on self-improvement in the areas of communication, mindfulness and distress tolerance. This is a biggie, but I feel that I really need to work on better interpersonal skills.

7. Broaden and deepen my creativity. I may want to explore hobbies that I have tried before but thought unsuitable, such as jewelry-making. I also hope to develop my skills further in the hobbies I already pursue, such as polymer clay, smoothie making, etc. I hope to do more baking and cooking too.

8. Blog and write more regularly. I wrote 110 posts over 2024, which is a big disappointment for me. I hope I’ll be able to blog more often. I also hope to write more regularly in general.

9. Stay at this care home. I’m really hoping that I won’t make another stupid mistake and end up moving again, either because the powers-that-be think that I want to or because the staff consider me unmanageable.

What do you hope to achieve in 2025?

Gratitude List (December 29, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m doing a gratitude list again. As usual, I’m linking it up with Ten Things of Thankful. Here goes.

1. A nice Christmas-themed walk around institution grounds on Tuesday. We were able to see lights, listen to a barrel organ playing festive jingles and at the end of the walk, we could do some crafty things like decorate a clementine with cloves and create a paper rose.

2. The fact that the labeling tape I ordered online early in the week, actually arrived on time for my visit to my in-laws on Christmas (where I’d had it delivered) and the tape also fit into my home’s label printer. I as a result was finally able to label my new clay.

3. Fries. I always have to include several food-theemd thankfuls, don’t I? On Tuesday, we had French fries.

4. Seeing my spouse and in-laws on Christmas.

5. Making salad on Boxing Day. A student staff’s mother had made homemade Turkish-style meatballs called köfte.

6. Being able to play DJ at the home’s dance party on Friday. Another student staff had brought his large Bluetooth-enabled speaker and I asked him if I’d be allowed to connect it to my iPhone and be the DJ. That was so cool! At first, I played ABBA like I’d requested the staff do the previous time we had a party. Then I put on a random EDM playlist, but that wasn’t well-received, so I switched to my own personal playlist of Dutch and dialect songs.

7. Getting in lots of exercise minutes today. I took three longer walks.

8. The fact that my support coordinator reassured me that, pending my one-on-one renewal request, things will stay the same for now and no hours will be cut. Officially, my one-on-one needs renewing by January 1 and we haven’t heard anything yet. I’m still struggling with my current hours particularly in the evenings, so I really hope that things won’t get worse. We’ll see.

9. Meeting up with my spouse again yesterday. And looking forward to going to our house over New Year’s.

10. The fact that the festive season is almost over. I can’t stand all the chaos.

Gratitude List (December 22, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful today. Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for over the past week.

1. Pizza. Technically, this is one from last week. Last Sunday, there was no meal delivery service meal I liked, so I chose to get takeout pizza. I chose one with onions, mushrooms, bell peppers, sausages and fresh garlic.

2. Another food one: my Christmas hamper. This year, we had the choice between a food hamper either regular or low-cal, a beauty hamper or a crafty one. Figuring that budgets are tight, I decided to go for the regular food hamper, as I doubted what was in the others would be of interest to me. I got marshmallows, chocolate, chips, whipped cream and waffles, cocoa and maybe I forgot something. Oh yes, I did: pretzel sticks, but I gave those away. I probably gained several pounds from enjoying the food and I have the marshmallows and chocolate still unopened.

3. Oh wait, another food one and a more likely cause of weight gain: a new staff had gotten chocolate with salted caramel as a welcome present to the care agency, but she didn’t like salted caramel, so gave the bar to me. That one is gone by now.

4. The fact that I was able to take a bath on Wednesday. I used a bath bomb that changed colors and had a nice scent (although for the life of me I can’t remember which).

5. My decreased antipsychotic dosage that I started on last Friday. I’m now on 15mg of Abilify a day. So far, I haven’t been significantly more irritable.

6. The fact that the days are officially getting longer now. Man, do I hate winter and especially the darkness.

7. A good visit from my spouse today. We hadn’t seen each other last week, so the visit felt extra special. We went shopping at Hema, my spouse’s favorite store, and ate lunch there too.

8. The fact that I was able to go for a walk today despite the weather being rather gloomy in the afternoon. Thankfully though, no rain in the evening.

9. The fact that I’m still creatively inspired. And generally more motivated to do things than I used to be.

10. Peace. I mean both inner peace and outer peace. That is, I’m still experiencing anxiety, but it isn’t nearly as severe as it was several months ago. I’m also so grateful that, at least for now, I live in peace.

Gratitude List (December 1, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s nearly 11PM as I write this. I feel motivated to write, but can’t really think of a lot to write about. However, a gratitude list is always good. I’m joining in with #TToT. It’s been forever! Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for this past week.

1. Inspiration to craft. I mentioned this yesterday too and have been claying again today. I also have many ideas floating around in my head.

2. A visit to a nearby market again. I got fried calamares at the fish stand. I also bought spicy olives.

3. The pasta salad with tuna we had yesterday. And the fact that it wasn’t used as an extra but as the main meal.

4. Sleep. I’ve been sleeping a lot over the past few days. Not always at night, but who cares?

5. Warm clothes. I’m nursing a cold, like I said yesterday, and, though I don’t have a fever, I do feel more comfy wearing warm clothes.

6. The fact that I managed to talk out a recent issue with a staff today. She tried to assign me a temp worker on Friday even though there were other options. It turned out she hadn’t fully understood the agreement.

7. The fact that I now feel at least a tiny bit comfortable with the new staff. With the latest addition to the team, I struggled a bit, but we had a good time on Thursday.

8. My mental state. I’m still experiencing anxiety on a daily basis, but it’s a lot less severe than it used to be.

9. Motivation to write. Like I said yesterday, this is a sign that my mood is improving.

10. The fact that I no longer live independently. I was reminded of the fact that I’m intensely grateful for this again this evening when my spouse called me because of stress related to our house. I feel a bit guilty for not being able to help, but at the same time I’m so glad I no longer have this responsibility, because when I did, it didn’t mean less stress for my spouse and it did mean significantly more stress for me.

Things I Appreciate About My Current Care Home and the Care I Get

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I tend to lean towards pessimism about life in general and my care is no exception. However, I do feel that there are definitely positives about my current care home and the care I get. This evening, I’m struggling a bit with mistrust. It’s sometimes hard to realize that my staff truly want the best for me, but they do. For this reason, I’m using this post as an opportunity to share the things I appreciate about my care home and the care I receive.

1. My room. When moving here from the intensive support home, I was cautioned that my living space would be much smaller here. It is, but this I see as a positive rather than a negative. I only have one room as opposed to a separate living room and bedroom, but this means I can actually find all my belongings in one place. My room is large enough for all my stuff and this was something I hadn’t expected.

2. The lawn/yard adjacent to my room. I have a little terrace that I have a table and two chairs on, as well as a large lawn. I share it with the resident in the room next door, but she doesn’t use it at all.

3. The fact that I could choose the color for one of my walls. Okay, they didn’t have my favorite color, lilac, but I can’t see it anyway and my spouse, who can, thinks pink is much better.

4. My one-on-one support. It’s not perfect, but it’s as good as can be given the current circumstances. I have enough time for day activities.

5. The fact that staff don’t push me to be more independent than I can be. I had a pretty bad experience with this at the intensive support home. For example, staff would ask me why I was independent enough to climb over my fence during an outburst but not independent enough to tell the shampoo and shower gel apart when showering. As if these two are in any way similar! And even if they were, I’m autistic and struggle massively with executive dysfunction, as well as my energy level varying significantly from day to day.

6. The fact that the female support coordinator makes most decisions for me rather than the male one even though she is actually responsible for the other side of the home. I have had some issues with the male one, who isn’t the most socially adept, and I’m so glad they were able to make a working arrangement.

7. The fact that I get female staff for my personal care all the time. I’ve always made it very clear that I don’t feel comfortable with males helping me with this. However, at the intensive support home, I was often told I either could accept the male staff or figure out a way to do said task independently, even when there were female staff available.

8. The fact that staff have agreed not to assign me unfamiliar temp workers unless absolutely necessary. At least, that’s how most staff have explained it to me. The male support coordinator corrected me when I said I’m happy that as a general rule I won’t get unfamiliar temp workers, so now I’m not sure whether I was too optimistic. It’s still early days too, but I’m trying to be grateful.

9. My two assigned staff. Both are female, one being in her sixties and quite experienced and the other a young student staff who however has a lot of knowledge. They both have my best interest in mind.

10. My signaling plan. A signaling plan is a plan that details the various phases of alertness or emotional stability in order for everyone to help the client prevent emotional outbursts or other states of over- or under-alertness. My support coordinator at the intensive support home had herself changed mine without my knowledge or consent. Thankfully, I was able to retrieve the one I had in Raalte and we were able to build a new plan based off that.

11. The fact that, if I have concerns, I can E-mail my assigned staff and support coordinator and they’ll take my concerns seriously.

12. The fact that my fellow clients are a lot less disruptive than the ones at the intensive support home. I still experience overload from the sounds my fellow residents make at times, but it’s manageable.

13. The fact that I won’t be kicked out of here. I’m not entirely convinced of this yet – no, scratch that, I’m not convinced of it at all -, but at least so far my staff are saying they’re happy I’m here.

I’m linking this post up with Thursday Thirteen.

Daily Habits I Already Do That Improve My Quality of Life

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?
View all responses

So many times, we think about the habits we could add to our daily routine to improve our quality of life. I at least do and then the only thing I do is make a list of them, but I don’t actually add most habits to my daily routine. I must admit, there’s very little I do literally everyday. This, however, is a nice reminder to look at the tiny things I do (almost) daily that improve my life.

  1. Get up at a reasonable time. I used to be a big one for lie-ins until late morning or early afternoon. Now though, I always get up between 8AM and 8:30AM. Yes, also on weekends. I sometimes go back to bed after breakfast for about half an hour, but I consider that my chill moment rather than me needing the extra sleep.
  2. Eat breakfast. I sometimes skip lunch or dinner, but I never skip breakfast. This hasn’t always been the case. Like, when I was a teen usually the first thing I’d pop into my mouth would be a candy bar or two from the school vending machine. Even when in the mental hospital, I’d often not wake up until mid-morning or later and would skip breakfast.
  3. Brush my teeth. This is another one that hasn’t always been this way. Like, in the mental hospital I’d skip toothbrushing more often than I’d actually do it. The staff thought that I just didn’t want to brush my teeth and,, since I had a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, this was considered “my choice”. However, I struggled with the feel of the manual toothbrush, the taste of toothpaste and I’d often simply forget to brush my teeth.

    Now, I get reminded to brush my teeth and my staff supervise me. Though I haven’t found a solution to the toothpaste issue, using an electric toothbrush helps a lot already.
  4. Go for a walk. Or several. This is something I don’t literally do everyday, but 99% of the time, I go for at least one longer walk.
  5. Call or text my spouse. Social interaction helps improve quality of life too, so I include this one. I sometimes am so busy with my morning activity that I don’t text my spouse until early afternoon, but not a day goes by when we don’t interact.

Looking at this list, most of these habits I do in the morning. That’s so interesting, since I consider myself a night person. Things I do in the evening that improve my life, however, aren’t usually literally daily habits.