Creating Glimmers

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Friday Writings is “Glimmers”. A glimmer is the exact opposite of a trigger, something that brings you a sense of safety or joy.

Let me say that I often struggle with the fear of experiencing positive emotions, so even glimmers could be triggers in a way. I have yet to figure out why this is and what to do about it.

That is, one thing I do about it is to create positive experiences for my inner child parts that aren’t connected to the past. An example of this would be reading stories about unicorns. I don’t think my mother ever read me stories about unicorns as a young child, so unicorns bring out the playful inner child in me without the memories of my childhood attached. I can probably safely say that unicorns are a glimmer for me.

Another glimmer are my stuffed animals, but I honestly think the same applies that is the reason I love unicorns: they can’t be connected to my childhood. I currently have five stuffed animals on my bed, but the oldest one I’ve had for about four years.

I wonder why this is, honestly, given that my childhood, though not stellar, wasn’t horrifying either. Ah, who cares as long as I have my unicorn stories, unicorn polymer clay cutters, stuffed anymals, including several unicorns, etc.? Let me just live love laugh in unicorn land. If only it were this easy…

26 thoughts on “Creating Glimmers”

  3. I think that’s a very creative as well as delightful way to handle the dilemma! I too have a number of the stuffed toys now which I didn’t have as a child. I too love unicorns. I too had a childhood which, ‘though not stellar, wasn’t horrifying either’ – yet it was sufficiently flawed to do me damage which it took years of therapy later to counteract. My mother couldn’t help it but I felt a lack of warmth from her, and I felt constantly criticised and found wanting. I escaped into books.

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    2. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It makes me feel less alone. I, unfortunately, don’t get therapy and never really did, because, though I was in mental health treatment for over 15 years, it was mostly based on managing behaviors and ever-changing diagnoses.

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        1. I’m not sure what part of the world you’re in, but here in the Netherlands, mental health care is funded for by basic (mandatory) health insurance but it is very diagnosis-driven. This means that your diagnosis dictates what treatment you can and cannot receive, rather than the symptoms you’re presenting with. This led to me falling through the cracks a lot and to eventually stopping seeing a mental health professional altogether, not because I was “better” but because it wasn’t helping much anyway.

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          1. I’m in Australia. I’m 83 now, and started my six years of psychotherapy when I was 25, so I don’t really know what things are like here now. Except that more recently, but already more than 10 years ago, I had some excellent help from a clinical psychologist in dealing with my late husband’s dementia and death. I think in both cases a lot depended on the kind of person I was lucky enough to find, much more than labels and methods. But it sounds as if it would be very hard to circumvent the bureaucracy in your system.

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            1. It is unless you pay out of pocket, which I at one point did consider doing, but I just can’t afford that honestly. Maybe I’ve also been unfortunate, in the sense that I am multiply-disabled in addition to suffering from trauma-related symptoms, so many professionals think I’m too complex.

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              1. That’s sad, and I would think also very annoying. Which brings me back to my first comment: good on you for finding such a creative way to put glimmers in your life despite the challenges. Also, there is nothing disabled about your writing – a powerful, articulate voice!

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                1. Thank you so very much for saying all that. Yes, I love writing and it helps me cope with life, which is difficult enough being that I’m multiply-disabled yet of (above-)average intelligence.

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    1. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons my mother never read me stories about unicorns. I grew up in the 1990s, but even if unicorns were a thing then, my parents mostly read me and my sister children’s classics.

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  6. I love that you are treating your inner child so gently! Unicorns are a really wonderful way to do that. There is something so magical and child-like (in the very best way) about them.

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  7. I really am liking your piece here, I can relate sooo very much. I didn’t know what a unicorn was until out younger daughter’s childhood literataure. My inner me needed them also. I still have a few of my childhood toys, they a joy to my inner self most times I take notice. I have some, quite a few, like a hundred, newer to me, new, old, and antiques.

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