My Worst Fear

This week, one of Mama Kat’s writing prompts is to share one of your fears. I have a lot of fears and phobias, to be honest. I probably would even meet the criteria for generalized anxiety disorder if it weren’t for my autism, which encompasses a lot of worry in itself already. In fact, when my former psychologist had removed my autism diagnosis, she at one point considered diagnosing me with GAD.

She ended up diagnosing me with dependent personality disorder though. And, as much as I used to fight this diagnosis, it fits in some important ways: being left all alone is probably one of my worst fears.

I obviously didn’t tick that box when filling out the screening questionnaires for my independent second opinion after said psychologist’s diagnosis. I also ticked the box for “very difficult” rather than “impossible” on the WHODAS (assessment of level of disability) question on being on your own for a few days. Obviously, that only got me assigned a lower number on level of disability, not a different diagnosis, but I wasn’t aware of this. Besides, my diagnostician was able to see through my not having ticked that one box, so, though she didn’t diagnose me with DPD, she did recommend I work on my self-confidence.

Whether it means I’m pathologically dependent or not, I don’t care though: I fear being left to my own resources. And to be honest, no amount of kicking me in the butt has helped with this so far. Neither have so many years of independence training and therapy. I guess I just need to live with it. And that’s okay at least as long as the authorities aren’t going to see this as a reason to revoke my access to long-term care.

I mean, it’s not just fear. I fear being left to my own resources because I legitimately have no clue how to live my life independently on a daily basis. I can, with a lot of difficulty, perform most activities of daily living, such as showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed. I now mostly get help with these, because it costs me a ton of time and energy having to do them on my own. For those saying I used to do these things by myself, I would like to add that this came at a cost to my dental health and physical hygiene. But if I really had to, I probably could do all of this. However, where it comes to housework, I’m pretty much lost. I cannot prepare my own food. Like, when I lived on my own in 2007, I ate bread without toppings because I couldn’t put them onto my bread. I wouldn’t die doing this for a few days, of course, and there the “very difficult” answer on the WHODAS may be correct. But it would be my worst fear come true.

Mama’s Losin’ It

15 thoughts on “My Worst Fear

  1. I think when people have limited resources to able to do things on their own, it makes much more sense to put those resources into doing activities that are fulfilling and meaningful rather than using them all up just trying to meet basic needs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was interesting cos i learned that people fear being alone in more than one way if that makes sense, thank you for sharing and for this insightful post, take care

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Greetings and peace to you.
    Your testimony is very close to me. I like you have one hard fear which sometime becomes almost panic.

    You’ve written about your reading the Scripture. I’m too. There is many verses about fears – and all of them could be destroyed by only trusting to Divine Word.

    Sometimes fears obscure my eyes so strong that only prayer helps me to continue to do something, in spite of them.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Such an open and honest post. You know yourself and your limits better than anyone, so well done for seeking the help that you need to make your life a little easier. You’re a real inspiration. x 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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