How I Coped With Losing My “Job”

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This week, one of the prompts for Writer’s Workshop is to write an essay titled “How I coped with losing my job”. I don’t do well writing fictional essays and have never had a “real” job, in the sense of a paid position or even volunteer work. I did, however, once “lose my job”, in that I got told the day center I went to couldn’t keep me there anymore.

This happened sometime in January of 2018 at my first day center with my current care agency. They had had me there for eight months, in two different groups, but when I was struggling to cope at the second group, they could no longer serve me or so they said.

I felt really distressed about this. The most frustrating aspect was the fact that they blamed me for no longer being suited to the center, while in reality, three new clients had been accepted into my group and no additional staff had been hired. I remember the reason they said it was me being the problem, not the new clients, was the fact that I’d been having meltdowns shortly before they arrived. Now I know that any anticipated change will cause me distress and that doesn’t mean I’m just a problem client. However, in hindsight, I’m pretty sure they wanted me gone sooner rather than later all along, for the simple reason that I don’t have an intellectual disability.

Thankfully, I wasn’t told to leave on the spot, but got time to find a new place. I initially had no clue how to, but did remember that, in 2010, I had been helped by the Center for Consultation and Expertise (CCE). I told the staff that I wanted to involve them again.

This was a bit of a hassle, as my community psychiatric nurse from the mental health agency said I’m far too high-functioning for the CCE. I applied nonetheless and got an orientation meeting in May of 2018.

In the end, I didn’t need the CCE for finding a new day center, but the consultation was what led me to accept that living independently with my partner wasn’t working and I needed long-term care.

I did feel intensely frustrated, like I said, at being “fired” from this day center. However, in the end, I don’t blame the staff, who were just powerless in the face of my challenging behavior. I think the manager, who didn’t look beyond my psychiatric diagnoses, is partly responsible. So was the psychologist from the psychiatric hospital, who more or less made the manager accept me on partly false premises.

Youth: Issues Specific to Intellectually or Developmentally Disabled Children #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Phew, we’re almost done with the #AtoZChallenge. For my letter Y post, I thought I’d talk about issues specific to youth with intellectual and developmental disabilities.

Children, disabled or not, by definition, are still growing and developing towards their full potential. As a result, most developmentally and intellectually disabled children and young people will not qualify for long-term care. They are, instead, served under the Youth Act, which falls under the local government. This means that their parents or carers will need to reapply for care at least every year.

Most children with intellectual or developmental disabilities will go to school. Like I mentioned before, those with milder disabilities, due to “suited education”, are forced to go into mainstream classes. This particularly applies to autistic or otherwise neurodivergent children with an average or above-average IQ, but when doing research for this post, I found out that children with a mild intellectual disability (IQ 55-70) won’t qualify for special ed unless they have additional needs too.

Children with moderate to severe intellectual disabilities and those with mild intellectual disabilities and additional issues will usually go into special education. Usually, these schools have different educational levels depending on the severity of the child’s disability. I heard that some schools allow pupils in the highest level to take part in the lowest level regular school, called practice education, part-time. Practice education has only recently become part of the regular, diploma-earning educational system; until I think last year or the year before, pupils in these schools would just earn a certificate.

The most profoundly disabled children, who are deemed “unteachable”, will go to day centers for children and adolescents with intellectual disabilities. Some of these day centers do have a “school prep” group too.

I feel very strongly that “suited education” and the Youth Act leave behind a lot of children with intellectual and developmental disabilities. I mean, the government wants to cut the youth care budget even more and, though I understand this given the fact that one in seven children nowadays receives a form of youth services, this should not affect children with genuine intellectual and developmental disabilities. Like myself twenty to thirty years ago, though in my case being left behind was due to my parents’ denial.

Unique: A Rant on the Demise of Individualized Care #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter U post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to rant really. I am not feeling well and really feel like, as an individual with developmental disabilities, my unique needs are missed in favor of what “everyone” or “the group” needs.

Back in like 2009, on my first WordPress blog, I already wrote a blog post criticizing care profiles for their doing away with individualized care. After all, care was now grouped into “care heaviness packages” (the old word for care profiles) based solely on one’s primary disability and one’s score on a rating scale, rather than there being different care classifications for each different sort of care (eg. support, personal care, housekeeping, etc.).

This is not what I want to talk about in this post though. Rather, I want to talk about the individual’s care needs being shoved under the carpet because they do not align with what that particular home is used to providing in general. And, in the case of my current home, it isn’t like there aren’t exceptions.

I cannot go into detail without breaching confidentiality – although really the staff shouldn’t have told me confidential information about other clients, truthfully. However, my home consists of “the group”, which are six clients or six clients plus me, and then there’s either me or I’m part of “the group” depending on whom you ask and when, and then there’s a client who gets full-time one-on-one. The one-on-one client is exempt from almost everything “everyone” needs to deal with, such as temp workers, regular switches in staff, of course alone time, etc. I don’t know all the reasons behind this and even if I did, I wouldn’t be allowed to disclose them here, but I frequently find myself being jealous of this client because her needs seem to take precedence over everyone else’s.

Then when competing for having our needs met, it’s me against “the group”. The home employs an extra full-time staff member to do my one-on-one even though I don’t qualify for full-time one-on-one, so I figured this should be a no-brainer: we all get our needs met, since I’d get my one-on-one and then there’s still even some hours when there’s an extra staff for “the group”. “The group” should be in luck! Well, no such thing: I am in luck if I get my one-on-one according to my day schedule and even then staff complain that I ask for too much if I ever so much as dare leave my room once during my time without support.

As for the temp workers, well, my needs get met last, because “the group” needs at least one regular staff and even if there are three regular staff members on shift, usually the fourth will be sent to support me so that the second won’t have to explain too much to number three.

In another situation, too, my individual needs get shoved under the carpet in favor of what “everyone” needs, ie. when I’m treated harshly for having a meltdown. I often hear staff say that they’d treat my fellow clients the exact same they treat me. Well, it may be so, but I’m not my fellow clients. I am me and I have my own unique needs.

Technology and Its Usefulness for People With Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I am back with my letter T post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today, I want to talk about technological advances and their usefulness (or lack thereof) for people with intellectual or developmental disabilities.

There exist a myriad of technological devices to presumably help people with intellectual or developmental disabilities. Some include alternative and augmentative communication (AAC) devices. While these are not for everyone, some people definitely benefit from them. Some of these technologies require a special device, but there is an increasing number of AAC apps available for conventional smartphones and tablets.

Other technologies are used to help people with more severe intellectual or developmental disabilities have different sensory experiences. For example, there’s a thing called the CRDL (pronounced “cradle”), which can be used by a disabled person along with their caregiver. When the device is touched in various ways, it produces different sounds and if I’m correct even vibrations.

Other pieces of technology merely help a person to relax, such as the InmuRelax, a sort of pillow which produces a soundscape when held in order to calm people during the night. Having used the Inmu a few times, I can say I prefer my music pillow, which is far cheaper.

Then there are of course interactive “pets”. These are not stuffed animals and should not be treated like toys, so people with severe or profound intellectual disabilities are probably not suited to handle them. Rather, they are electronics with some fur around them to make them look like real-life cats or (small) dogs, which people can then stroke or cuddle with gently. These interactive animals are mostly intended for people suffering from early to mid-stage dementia rather than for the intellectually disabled, although I’ve seen them being well handled by more capable intellectually disabled people who realize these are like pets, not toys.

Lastly, there currently is a research project going on with “social robots” in long-term care for people with intellectual disabilities. These robots could be programmed to, for instance, remind clients to take their meds, do certain tasks, or they could even ask them questions. It is kind of intended that the robots would become a “buddy” to the intellectually disabled person. I honestly cringe at the idea. Not the reminders or even if the robot woke me up with a cheery “Good morning, Astrid, what would you like for breakfast?”. I am reminded of a time my psychologist, back in like 2013, asked me whether I was okay with a robot doing my morning routine. When I said “Hell, no!”, she saw this as a sign of dependence. I currently start my day on my own anyway, so whether it’s my vibrating, beeping Apple Watch waking me up or a robot, I don’t care. And as for the reminders, I’ve actually thought about asking my staff to help me learn to use a day scheduling app. However, the cringe-worthy thing for me is the “buddy” part. Yes, I know long-term care needs to be cut, but a robot isn’t going to replace human interaction if you ask me.

Long-Term Care for People With Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone and welcome to my letter L post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today, I want to talk about long-term care as it pertains to individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. My post is going to be a bit centric to the Dutch situation, as that is what I know best.

In the Netherlands, people who need lifelong care fall either under the Long-Term Care Act or the Social Support Act. Criteria for the Long-Term Care Act are very strict, as it covers lifelong 24-hour care in a care facility (or in some cases at home, but I don’t know that much about that). In other words, to qualify for this type of care, you need to prove that you will never be able to live without 24-hour care. The Social Support Act covers community-based supports, but also temporary supported housing, such as independence training for young adults. (Care for under-18s is covered by the Youth Act, which is in some ways similar to the Social Support Act but covers more domains.)

The Social Support Act is implemented by the local government. This means that, if you decide to move while receiving social care, you’ll need to reapply. Since care under the Social Support Act isn’t lifelong either, you will also often need to reapply. Some cities will grant significantly disabled people funding for five years, but some won’t and this means you’ll need to have a “dinner table talk” as assessments are called, each year. On the other hand, under the Long-Term Care Act, your right to your care profile is lifelong and countrywide.

Care profiles make up the funding classification system in long-term care. These care profiles are based on one’s primary care ground and then on one’s level of care needed. There are criteria for each care ground and then criteria for each level. For instance, for intellectual disability care profiles, an IQ below 85 that was apparent before the age of 18 is required. I do for this reason obviously not qualify for an intellectual disability care profile. My care profile is based on visual impairment.

Until 2021, psychiatric disorders, and that included autism if you happened to have an IQ above 85, were exempt from qualifying an individual for the Long-Term Care Act. The reasoning was that mental illness is treatable, so individuals with psychiatric disorders cannot prove they’ll need 24-hour care for the rest of their lives.

Back to care profiles. For intellectual disability, there are I think six different profiles. Most people with profile 3 and 4 (profiles 1 and 2 no longer exist) will live in community-based supported housing. I am more familiar with people with care profile 5 and 8, which are severely intellectually disabled people who need a lot of (profile 5) or total care (profile 8). I am also familiar with profile 7, which is for individuals with an intellectual disability and significant challenging behavior. My visual impairment care profile is comparable to profile 7 in intellectual disability.

These three profiles I mentioned, are the only ones that can qualify a person for “extra care”, ie. what I usually refer to as one-on-one support. Extra care, unlike the care profile itself, is temporary and specific to the regional Care Office. For this reason, if I am to move out of the area of my Care Office, I will lose my one-on-one and my new care agency will need to reapply.

Legal jargon aside, what is it like living in long-term care? Well, most agencies for the intellectually disabled have one or more main institutions but they do aim for community-based living when possible. In fact, when integration was hyped up in the 1990s, some agencies simply demolished their institutions and started moving even the most severely disabled or behaviorally challenged individuals into the community. Back in 2006 or 2007, I criticized a documentary criticizing this move, saying it was poor care that caused deinstitutionalization to fail. However, let me just say I’ve made up my mind.

Brain Injury As It Relates to Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. We’ve arrived at my letter B post in the #AtoZChallenge. I struggled with what topic to choose for this letter, but eventually settled on brain injury. As you will find out, this type of disability has a kind of controversial relationship to intellectual and developmental disabilities. After all, many people view an intellectual or developmental disability as necessarily present from birth. The American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities (AAIDD), however, considers an intellectual disability as having originated before the age of 22. In the Netherlands, the age of onset cut-of for an intellectual disability care profile in the Long-Term Care Act is 18. As such, people who acquired a brain injury in childhood affecting their ability to learn, are diagnosable as having an intellectual disability.

With respect to other developmental disabilities, such as autism, the diagnostic waters get even muddier. I, for one, was diagnosed as autistic at age 20 despite having suffered a brain bleed as an infant. Then, ten years later, the diagnosis was removed again because apparently a brain injury no matter how early on precludes an autism diagnosis. However, I could not be diagnosed with acquired brain injury-related neuropsychological or behavioral difficulties either, because these would have required a clear before/after difference. Besides, I am blind too, so most neuropsychological testing isn’t possible on me. As a result of this, I ended up with just a regular personality disorder diagnosis. Now I’m not 100% sure I don’t have a personality disorder, but it’s certainly not all there is to me diagnostically.

In the Dutch care system, people with acquired/traumatic brain injury usually fall under physical disability service providers, unless they have really severe challenging behavior. In that case, they usually either end up in an intellectual disability facility or a psychiatric hospital. There are a few specialist mental health units for people with brain injury, but these are treatment-based, not living facilities. There are also nursing home units for people with brain injury, but these cater towards people over 65.

Saying Goodbye to Mental Health Services

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. October 10 is World Mental Health Day. In honor of this, many bloggers are writing about mental health this week. As a person with serious mental health challenges, I think I need to offer up my contribution too. However, mine will be a bit different, in that just last Tuesday I had my for now final appointment with a professional from a mental health service.

I did not usually share details of my less than stellar experiences with my psychiatric nurse practitioner on the blog, but let me say that my appointments, except for those concerning medication, over the past three years, have for the most part been useless. Maybe my expectations of an assertive community treatment team were too high. For those who don’t know, an assertive community treatment team is an outreach-based team that treats the most severely mentally ill, usually care-avoidant patients. As a result, a lot of the care they do is more like support and steering towards services than actual therapy. They do have a psychologist on the team, but the majority of clinicians are actually community psychiatric nurses.

Back when I got kicked out of the psych hospital in 2017, I did need such a team, as I needed lots of support in my daily life. However, once I’d moved into long-term care, maybe an assertive community treatment team wasn’t the most logical choice of treatment teams. And yet that’s where I ended up.

Not to say it’s all my or my referring agency’s fault. My nurse practitioner did flat out refuse to refer me anywhere else even when he should have realized he couldn’t provide the kind of treatment I needed. He also claimed we were doing “trauma treatment” by merely talking over my mental health struggles, which happen to be trauma-related, occasionally. In my opinion, it was neither specifically trauma-focused nor treatment.

Now I know that my staff and the behavior specialist at the care home are probably as capable as my mental health professionals were at helping me deal with my everyday instability. Neither can provide trauma-focused therapy, while both can provide a listening ear (my staff at my old care home at least often better than my nurse practitioner, in fact).

I did, of course, start my topiramate and pregabalin while in treatment with my now former mental health team. This I do credit the team’s psychiatrist hugely for. I don’t honestly think an intellectual disability physician would’ve been able to come up with this idea and I’m not sure a consulting psychiatrist would’ve gotten the idea either. Then again, now that I’m on a stable dose of both meds and only wanting to slowly decrease my aripiprazole, my agency’s intellectual disability physician can manage that.

All this combined got me to conclude that I don’t think I want mental health services anymore. If I or any of my current professionals ever change our minds, I can always get referred back to a mental health agency.

I Give In: Following My Heart to My New Care Home #31Days2022

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. The optional prompt for day 2 in the 31-day writing challenge is “give”. Again, this is a bit of a freewrite as I prepare for the move to my new care home on Wednesday.

You see, when I originally moved to my current care home in 2019, it was the first place that wanted me. I also had some rather odd preconceived ideas about the kind of place I needed to be in to get my needs met. I thought that, in order to get a high staff/client ratio, you needed to be in a home for severely or profoundly intellectually disabled people. After all, places I’d known before in the psychiatric system, had a much lower staff/client ratio and so did so-called “supported housing” facilities for those with milder intellectual disabilities. (I did already know that I wanted to be in a place for people with intellectual disability rather than mental illness even though I’m not intellectually disabled, because the intellectual disability services approach is far less training-focused than that on the mentally ill.) At the back of my mind, I did know about a few homes on the care agency’s main institution grounds that catered towards those with mild or moderate intellectual disability with severe challenging behavior, but I couldn’t get the right “care profile” (on which your funding is based) for that. Not at the time, at least.

So I accepted the room at my current care home. It didn’t feel that good right from the start, but what else could I do? I was hardly getting by living with my husband. And, indeed, I don’t know what I’d have done had I had to survive lockdown while living independently. Unsuitable as this home may’ve been, it was a much-needed step on my journey.

Once I lived in my current care home, where all my fellow residents have profound intellectual disability, it became apparent pretty quickly that I needed more intensive behavior-related support than my care profile would allow for. I was first very scared when I heard that my support coordinator was applying for the highest care profile – the one I would’ve needed for the homes still at the back of my mind. After all, at first, my funding had been denied altogether. Not just the highest care profile – any long-term care funding. Were they going to re-assess me all over again? It turned out not: either I’d get the higher care profile or I’d remain in the lower category, but my funding couldn’t be taken away. Within a month, we heard the good news that my funding got upped to the highest care profile. Five months later, my additional one-on-one support got approved.

Still, I didn’t dare give in to my wish to move to one of the “intensive support” homes on main institution grounds. Not consciously, at least. When no-one was looking, I did look all over the care agency’s website to see the descriptions of their homes, all while saying I didn’t want to move.

In fact, at my care plan review last year, I said I was 95% sure I wanted to stay here and those other 5% were because of the distance to my husband. My husband said I needn’t worry, as it’s not like there are dozens of places for me to choose from. Then again, I don’t need dozens to choose from.

The home I’m moving to on Wednesday, is again the first home that wants me. However, it is also the home that stood out to me on those searches on the care agency website. It is most certainly not perfect – I know that before I’ve even moved in. However, I have my hopes up that I won’t regret having given in to following my heart.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (September 7, 2022)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday again, so it’s time for the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here are Joyce’s questions and my answers.

1. Tell us a little bit about the best birthday you’ve ever had.
I honestly can’t decide on any specific one. Birthdays were always stressful when I was a child, but they’ve gotten easier as I got older. Now that I think of it, I’m going to pick last year’s, my 35th, because it wasn’t as loaded as the ones before and I got some of the loveliest presents.

2. In what way(s) have you changed in the last five years?
Five years ago, I was struggling greatly living with my husband. I had already had my first major mental crisis, but not my second or third and I was still trying to uphold the image of myself as the successful psych survivor. As such, the most important way in which I’ve changed over the past five years, is having learned to embrace myself with all my limitations, rather than wanting to prove my capabilities to the world. It’s a delicate balancing act and sometimes I wonder if I’ve swung too far to the dependent side of things. I’m trying to reclaim some of my fierce self-reliance indeed, without losing the self-determination I didn’t have five years ago. For those who don’t know, living with my husband rather than in a care facility wasn’t my choice; instead, I had been kicked out of a psych hospital in May of 2017 for allegedly misusing care. I am so glad my community support team and I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to be in long-term care after all. Now I need to find the balance between passive dependency and stubborn self-reliance.

3. What’s your favorite thing about the street on which you live?
The fact that the care facility is right at the end of the street, overseeing the meadow, so it’s relatively quiet.

4. The Hodgepodge lands on National Beer Day…are you a beer drinker? What’s a recipe you make that lists beer as one of the ingredients? If not beer, how about yeast?
I can’t stand beer, doesn’t matter whether it’s alcohol in it. I honestly don’t know any recipe with beer or yeast in it. That being said, my father used to make bread from scratch, including “waking” the yeast for the dough. That expression always made me laugh.

5. As I grow older I would like to be a woman (or man, if there are any men in the HP today) who…
Practises expressing gratitude everyday.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Speaking of my answer to #2, I had an interesting conversation with the student staff today. I have as soon as I came here expressed that I’d prefer not to be helped with my personal care by male staff. When discussing this with this student staff a few days ago, I said that I could try to do my personal care myself if there’s no female staff available. This staff either understood this to mean that, if he works on my side of the home, I’ll do my personal care by myself, or I thought he understood it this way. Rather, I had meant it if no female staff are available at all.

It may seem weird that, if I can do my personal care by myself if absolutely necessary, I may want help with it sometimes or most times. The reason has to do with the fact that doing my personal care costs me a lot of energy without giving me much satisfaction at all. I don’t personally feel that self-reliance is an end goal in itself, so I get help with my personal care. Thankfully, my staff agree. Then again, I can’t expect there to always be a female staff in the home, so when there isn’t, I make the choice to invest the extra energy into my personal care in order to preserve my dignity as a married woman.

My Ideal Space

Posted on by Astrid

I have been thinking about my ideal living space lately; a space I can feel safe, secure and at home in. When I wrote my post describing my safe space a few weeks ago, I realized that, other than the unicorns, I could almost recreate my safe space right here in my current care facility. In fact, I have nothing to complain about my room, with my private bathroom, kitchenette and even my own balcony.

So why do I feel I want to move to a different care facility, and why, in fact, do I feel like I actually want to sacrifice some of the aspects that make my current room great, in order to live in a more suitable care home, and what does “more suitable” even mean? I’ve said many times that I want to move to institution grounds, because then I’d be able to feel like I’d be more sheltered when going outdoors. Thankfully, most of my current readers didn’t know me fifteen years ago, or they’d call me crazy now for such a 180-degree turn from saying institutionalization is bad and community care is always preferrable to now wishing to be institutionalized myself.

This post was written for this week’s Six-Sentence Story link-up, for which the prompt word is “space”.