Lindsay C. Gibson – A Multitude of Musings

Hi everyone. Yesterday I listened to the most recent episode of the I Have ADHD podcast. It was on parenting and specifically on how to raise an emotionally mature child.

The concept of emotional immaturity as the problem behind many challenges parents and their adult children face, was first populated by Lindsay C. Gibson. She was a guest on the podcast episode too. However, emotional development as its own thing isn’t just her idea. As regular readers of my blog know, I occasionally write about how it relates to challenging behavior as seen in individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. The person behind this theory also focused heavily on coregulation (though I’m not sure he used this word yet) as a means of allowing individuals with disabilities to grow emotionally. So does Gibson.

In her latest book, which is geared towards parents, Gibson has a chapter on things not to do when raising a child. I haven’t read the book, but in the podcast she mentioned hitting as an example. Oh my, did it hit home (no pun intended)! Gibson explains how tempting it can be to spank your young child, but goes on to say that if you set this precedent, what will you do when the kid is fourteen or sixteen? What will they do, I wonder. My mother used as an excuse for smacking me in the head and worse that I was fifteen, not three. I’m pretty sure she did spank me when I was three too as that’s what parents did back in my day. That’s not an excuse though.

Another example Gibson gives is never to invalidate your child’s feelings. This is an extremely hard one, honestly. I mean, on a daily basis when I express my insecurity, I hear my staff respond with things along the lines of “There’s nothing to be scared of”. Well, so you think, but you’re not in my head and my body.

It’s unfortunately worse with my parents. Last Sunday, I had a lengthy text conversation with my mother, because she demanded to know why I don’t feel safe meeting my parents without my best friend. I didn’t give her the explanation she wanted, because I know that’d lead to further invalidation. Rather, I set a boundary that I won’t be meeting her and my father without my best friend present, period. Let’s just say that, after a lot more harsh words towards me and my best friend, I decided to cut off contact.

I did take away from the podcast episode that I’m myself also very emotionally immature. Not that I didn’t know this already, as I’ve explained multiple times when discussing emotional development before. However, a positive takeaway was the fact that self-reflection can help us grow emotionally if we’re genuinely curious about ourselves and others. With my parents, this ship has sailed. I’m also childfree, so no need to worry about continuing the cycle with my own kids, but I do believe that curiosity and self-reflection help any relationship.

Hi everyone. Today’s topic choice was hard once again, so I eventually decided on one related to yesterday’s topic of codependency. Today, I am going to describe the characteristics of adult children of dysfunctional families.

First, what is a dysfunctional family? It could refer to a family in which one or both parents are alcoholics or addicts. This was how originally ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) was started, but later “and dysfunctional families” was added. Dysfunctional families are, in this sense, also families in which one or both parents are abusive or neglectful.

What effects does growing up in a dysfunctional family have on adult children? Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families has a laundry list of characteristics of adults who grew up in dysfunctional households. This list includes being an approval-seeker, being frightened by angry people and frightened of personal criticism, having low self-esteem and stuffing or denying your feelings.

Most of these characteristics are what Lindsay C. Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, calls “internalizing” traits. However, depending on your role in a dysfunctional family, you could also end up externalizing your trauma. By this I mean that you end up being toxic or abusive yourself. This particularly happens to adult children who were the “golden child” or “hero” in an abusive family. A “golden child” is a child who is praised excessively and used to uphold the family’s “perfect” image. These children are often the parents’ “favorite” and may get spoiled. As Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, says, however, being spoiled excessively is traumatic in its own right.

I myself exhibit both internalizing and externalizing traits of being an adult child. I could, for instance, relate to at least half the items on the “laundry list”, but also can be emotionally volatile and demanding. I was, also, usually treated as the family’s “golden child”. This sometimes makes me feel sad, but I try to focus on self-awareness and healing instead.