Emotionally Immature

Hi everyone. Yesterday I listened to the most recent episode of the I Have ADHD podcast. It was on parenting and specifically on how to raise an emotionally mature child.

The concept of emotional immaturity as the problem behind many challenges parents and their adult children face, was first populated by Lindsay C. Gibson. She was a guest on the podcast episode too. However, emotional development as its own thing isn’t just her idea. As regular readers of my blog know, I occasionally write about how it relates to challenging behavior as seen in individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. The person behind this theory also focused heavily on coregulation (though I’m not sure he used this word yet) as a means of allowing individuals with disabilities to grow emotionally. So does Gibson.

In her latest book, which is geared towards parents, Gibson has a chapter on things not to do when raising a child. I haven’t read the book, but in the podcast she mentioned hitting as an example. Oh my, did it hit home (no pun intended)! Gibson explains how tempting it can be to spank your young child, but goes on to say that if you set this precedent, what will you do when the kid is fourteen or sixteen? What will they do, I wonder. My mother used as an excuse for smacking me in the head and worse that I was fifteen, not three. I’m pretty sure she did spank me when I was three too as that’s what parents did back in my day. That’s not an excuse though.

Another example Gibson gives is never to invalidate your child’s feelings. This is an extremely hard one, honestly. I mean, on a daily basis when I express my insecurity, I hear my staff respond with things along the lines of “There’s nothing to be scared of”. Well, so you think, but you’re not in my head and my body.

It’s unfortunately worse with my parents. Last Sunday, I had a lengthy text conversation with my mother, because she demanded to know why I don’t feel safe meeting my parents without my best friend. I didn’t give her the explanation she wanted, because I know that’d lead to further invalidation. Rather, I set a boundary that I won’t be meeting her and my father without my best friend present, period. Let’s just say that, after a lot more harsh words towards me and my best friend, I decided to cut off contact.

I did take away from the podcast episode that I’m myself also very emotionally immature. Not that I didn’t know this already, as I’ve explained multiple times when discussing emotional development before. However, a positive takeaway was the fact that self-reflection can help us grow emotionally if we’re genuinely curious about ourselves and others. With my parents, this ship has sailed. I’m also childfree, so no need to worry about continuing the cycle with my own kids, but I do believe that curiosity and self-reflection help any relationship.