Hi everyone. Today’s topic choice was hard once again, so I eventually decided on one related to yesterday’s topic of codependency. Today, I am going to describe the characteristics of adult children of dysfunctional families.
First, what is a dysfunctional family? It could refer to a family in which one or both parents are alcoholics or addicts. This was how originally ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) was started, but later “and dysfunctional families” was added. Dysfunctional families are, in this sense, also families in which one or both parents are abusive or neglectful.
What effects does growing up in a dysfunctional family have on adult children? Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families has a laundry list of characteristics of adults who grew up in dysfunctional households. This list includes being an approval-seeker, being frightened by angry people and frightened of personal criticism, having low self-esteem and stuffing or denying your feelings.
Most of these characteristics are what Lindsay C. Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, calls “internalizing” traits. However, depending on your role in a dysfunctional family, you could also end up externalizing your trauma. By this I mean that you end up being toxic or abusive yourself. This particularly happens to adult children who were the “golden child” or “hero” in an abusive family. A “golden child” is a child who is praised excessively and used to uphold the family’s “perfect” image. These children are often the parents’ “favorite” and may get spoiled. As Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, says, however, being spoiled excessively is traumatic in its own right.
I myself exhibit both internalizing and externalizing traits of being an adult child. I could, for instance, relate to at least half the items on the “laundry list”, but also can be emotionally volatile and demanding. I was, also, usually treated as the family’s “golden child”. This sometimes makes me feel sad, but I try to focus on self-awareness and healing instead.
A Multitude of Musings 
My father had an alcoholic father who was mean when he was drinking. It made my father determined to not be like him and work hard to get away. I am very thankful that the problem didn’t continue with my father.
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I am so sorry your father grew up with an alcoholic father but so happy he was able to break the cycle.
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The last line of your post reminded me of an experience I had that helped me move toward self-awareness and healing.
When my parents died, I was weirdly able to take more responsibility for how my own life plays out. Whatever good or bad that they did, it’s all on me now. That proved to be a liberating thought for me and also one that led to compassion for my parents who had their own problematic birth family environments.
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That’s such an empowering message, thanks so much!
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I have cousins who had two alcoholic parents. Today I’ll be thinking about how that made them who they ended up being.
I’m finding your series interesting.
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Thanks for commenting. I’m so sorry your cousins had to go through this.
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Me too.
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Maybe the worst tragedy of dysfunctional families is that it keeps getting passed down. It takes a lot of work to escape the conditioning and many just don’t have the energy to do it.
This is an interesting series, Astrid.
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I completely agree. I am childfree and one of the reasons is the fact that I would get as easily frustrated (or more so) by a child as my parents got with me.
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I understand why you’d be leery. I’ve got 2 sons close to 40 now. If I’d been thinking straight I probably would have remained childless also. That said, I’m glad I was blessed to have given birth to them and raised two fine human beings. I did the best I could and it seems it was good enough?
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Thanks for sharing. I’m glad your sons seem to be happy.
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Now, I didn’t say that. I said they were decent human beings. 🙂
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Oh I’m sorry for misinterpreting your comment.
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No worries, my friend.
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I can relate to a lot of this list of characteristics, coming from a disfunctional family, where I am the adult child of an alcoholic. X
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Oh, that’s so tragic. I really feel for you.
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My late husband was the child of an alcoholic father. He was truly an awful abusive man. He and his sister managed to break the pattern and go into health care, caring for others. His sister was (retired now) a drug and alcohol counselor.
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The “He was… awful…” is referring to my father-in-law, not husband!
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Ah yes, I figured that out.
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I’m so sorry your husband and his sister went through this but so glad they managed to break the cycle.
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Thankfully this isn’t something I am familiar with, my dad did drink a lot at one point in his life but it didn’t last long maybe a few months when mum told him to chose between the grog and his family, he choose his family and stopped drinking for a long time and when he drink from then on it wasn’t all the time just times like Christmas and NYE
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I’m so happy your Mom gave your Dad this ultimatum and he chose to stop drinking. Thanks for sharing.
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Wow… I pick up on a lot of the things on that laundry list. I always worry about my daughter though and how her dad’s drinking may still affect her as an adult. This was an informative blog!
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Thanks for commenting. I’m glad you worry about your daughter, because this means (at least, that’s what I hope) that you’re there for her if she does experience negative effects of having grown up with an alcoholic parent.
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You are welcome. Yes, I am here phone or text or front door should she need anything.
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