…Not Life Experience Deductible

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. As I shared before, my birthday is next week. I’ll be 39. This means that next week will mark the start of my 40th year on this planet. It isn’t necessarily something I take too seriously, except that my best friend, who is “only” 36, loves to remind me that I’m the older one of us. Then again, life starts at 40, right?

We were joking about age again this afternoon when my best friend came up with a new mantra for me. I’d have to explain here that, for years when I was in the psych hospital, I had a profile signature at the forum my best friend and I know each other from (and at many other autism and mental health forums). It was: “Time spent in psychiatric institutions is not life experience deductible.” With this mantra, I meant to counter the professionals who told me that proper help and treatment, a long-time place to reside, etc. could wait because I was still young. Yes, seriously.

Now the mantra my friend came up with was: “The first 40 years aren’t life experience deductible.” This is actually the polar opposite of “Life starts at 40”.

While I believe that, indeed, the first (nearly) 40 years of my life matter as much as however long I have left here on Earth, I do believe that it’s never too late to create a brighter future. And that doesn’t have to include huge leaps forward. It can include small sparks of joy. In this sense, nothing I go through or accomplish each day is life experience deductible. Yes, it’s incredibly frustrating that things in the care system progress at such a slow pace, but that doesn’t disqualify the meaning of everyday pleasures.

Written for Fandango’s One Word Challenge for today, which is “mantra”. I love doing these little freewrites.

Bittersweet Birthday

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. As you may know, my birthday is next week. It is a bittersweet day in ways that it isn’t for most people. After all, yes, many adults, particularly those who are childfree, no longer celebrate their birthday because they have the money to buy themselves presents and a day to remind yourself that you’re getting older isn’t special to them anymore. It never was to me, as I hated growing up as a child due to all the expectations set on me.

Now though, I no longer mind getting older. In fact, when I turned 30, it felt exciting because I could finally join the over-30s groups on Facebook.

I do still have mixed feelings about my birthday though. I shared more about this last month. My birthday is rather bittersweet. However, bittersweet does include sweet.

For the most part, I like to turn the end of June into a celebration. It’s summer after all, which is my favorite season. This year, I am once again going to make a cheesecake for my fellow residents and treat them to a burger and salad. I am also still childishly excited about my presents. I know, I can buy myself whatever I want. That is, not really, of course, but I mean I have the financial security to buy my own presents. Still, it’s fun to know what others come up with as gifts for me. Yes, even the rather odd thrift store finds my parents usualy come up with. And by odd, I mean that they’re cheaper in the regular store than at the thrift store. I’m not a thrift store gal, but I appreciate those who are.

Sharing this post with Moonwashed Musings.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (June 14, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this hot Saturday evening. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. No more coffee for me, as it’s 7:30PM. I was just discussing possibly creating a mocktail someday, but not today, as I don’t have the right equipment. It’s the right weather though. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather, as usual. Early in the week, the daytime temperature didn’t even reach 20°C, but yesterday and today were hot with a high of 30°C. It’s also pretty humid. We got some rain today and there are thunderstorms in the forecast. Tomorrow, the temperature’s supposed to be less hot: about 23°C.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you that I did still meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day this week. I went for bike rides on Monday, Thursday, Friday and today. On Thursday, we rode the side-by-side bike to a shopping center about 10km away. I wanted to buy fruit and look for a hat or cap to protect myself when in the sun. I have a giant straw hat, but don’t like how large it is. Then again, it’s supposed to protect my eyes too. I didn’t find a hat or cap I liked, but I did buy peaches. Yum!

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you about my creative endeavors over the past week. On Tuesday, I made a new necklace and today, I made four pineapple charms out of polymer clay. These are to be used as decorations for the living room. They’re currently still curing in the oven.

If we were having coffee, I’d also moan once again about the institution’s policies regarding where packages are supposed to be delivered. And about PostNL. I ordered a number of jewelry-making supplies on Tuesday, which were sent out by the store on Wednesday. On Thursday, PostNL would’ve delivered them, but they were too busy (as they usually are). They tried to deliver my package today, but the place that usually picks up packages here on grounds is closed on weekends, so PostNL sent my package on to a pick-up point. And to make matters worse, the pick-up point isn’t even within biking distance. I hope that the package will arrive at the pick-up point Monday morning, and I hope that my Monday afternoon staff will be able and willing to drive me there too. It’s all very frustrating! PostNL used to have a pick-up point in the next town, but that apparently closed.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d talk about the stressors re my upcoming birthday. I initially wrote a post on this topic yesterday, but decided to delete it.

My birthday is on the 27th and I initially waited on my parents to take the initiative to schedule a visit and they apparently waited on me. Then on Tuesday, my bestie and I were discussing this and I realized that I would probably regret it if I didn’t meet my parents for my birthday this year. I mean, they’re in their 70s, so I won’t have many years with them left.

Then came the stress of figuring out what we’re going to do. My bestie proposed we drive to Groningen, which is the big city nearest to where my parents live. I asked my parents about this and my father immediately came up with an idea of showing us around some library museum thingy. We usually eat out for my birthday too, so I asked my parents to find a restaurant. They got the impression that I wanted a Thai restaurant like last year and the year before, so came up with one. Thing is, they’d never been there and the reviews were horrible. There was even a customer who said there’d been plastic in their food and, on top of that, the restaurant admitted it but wouldn’t give a discount.

Then I came up with another idea: to go to a chicken restaurant about 45 minutes from my parents. However, this restaurant is in a tiny town with nothing to do. I also asked my sister to recommend restaurants in Groningen. She initially reacted disappointed that I hadn’t invited my parents over here the day my sister and her family are coming, so I was like “Screw it!” and came up with the chicken restaurant. My sister eventually recommended some places, but these sounded more like diners than restaurants. Finally, my bestie decided to look up good restaurants and found something which sounds good to all of us.

I still feel quite a bit of stress about my birthday, as I don’t have a good relationship with either my parents or my sister. I will however get through it.

Reminders to My Struggling Self

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. In one of my many collections of journaling prompts, I came across a prompt about what you’d like to remind yourself of the next time you’re in a downward spiral. I’m pretty sure I responded to this prompt already at least once, but I’ll do it again. After all, today is the first day in a while that I didn’t have any significant stressors. Not that I’ll likely look at this list when I’m spiraling into crisis, but oh well. Here are some notes to my struggling self.

1. I have a friend. My spouse and I may be in the process of divorcing, but that doesn’t mean we won’t stay friends.

2. I have supportive people to connect with online and in real life. I’m thinking of my in-laws, but also of my support circle online. Some of these people, I’ve known for 15 years.

3. My staff may not always do the right thing, but they mean well. Yes, it’s a myth that they’re completely working in my best interest (simply because they have other people’s and the organization’s interest in mind too), but they do want to help me.

4. I have survived much worse than I’m enduring now. This doesn’t mean that my current suffering isn’t valid, but it does show that I am strong.

5. I am allowed to feel like crap, but wallowing in my feelings doesn’t help the situation.

6. The world may not have been made for me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t work towards improving it.

7. I can still write. And I can still create with polymer clay and other materials. I can express myself.

8. I can still move. Even if walking is painful (it currently is, but thankfully less so than it used to be), I can move in other ways.

9. I know myself best and know what’s best for me. I should really use my voice.

10. Pain (be it physical or emotional) is temporary. Things will (most likely) get better.

11. I have the capacity to find joy in little things. Such as homemade latte, my staff having repaired an old handmade necklace, or a staff complimenting me on my ability to adapt that particular moment.

12. A day doesn’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to listen to what my former assigned staff at the intensive support home said: that I’m negative because I didn’t have a perfect day even when my day schedule was followed without interruption. I am allowed to say “Okay” when people ask me how I am. I am not a bad person for not being upbeat.

13. I’m not a monster for being in crisis. I am still me.

I’m joining Thursday Thirteen (even though it’s still Wednesday here). I’m also joining #WWWhimsy.

Shades of Blue

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This month, the Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge is “blue”. I have written several posts addressing the color blue. It is one of my favorite colors, probably my favorite after purple. Oh wait, now that I think of all the beautiful shades of blue, I actually believe as a general color category, blue is even better than purple. Sorry, lilac.

There are so many wonderful shades of blue. I once took a quiz on Dictionary.com to determine how much I knew about the different words for various blues. The only one I got wrong the first time I took the quiz, was the meaning of “cerulean”. I was unsure when I retook it today too, but remembered that my first instinct had been incorrect back then so selected the next thing that came to mind. And this time, I scored 8 out of 8 correct answers. That doesn’t mean that I don’t tthink cerulean should be purplish.

Since the quiz did not explain every shade of blue clearly, and there are many more that weren’t mentioned in it, I just looked a few up. Since I do have some concept of color despite being totally blind now, I can imagine what colors would look like. No-one can be sure whether I’m correct, but that applies to sighted people’s internal perception of color as well.

Blue is the color I have the most shades of in polymer clay and I don’t even have all of them. I have Fimo blue (true blue, so blue as blue should be, apparently), brilliant blue, pacific blue, aqua, blue ice quartz, blue agate and peppermint, which contrary to common sense is blue not green. I also have Premo cobalt blue and ultramarine blue, as well as Cernit in several shades of blue that I can’t remember. In this sense, it’s interesting to note that I hardly create anything primarily blue out of polymer clay. I think I need to change that.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (June 7, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s past 10:30PM, so I should really be in bed and I certainly shouldn’t be drinking coffee. Then again, this is a virtual get-together, so I’ll gladly pass you a virtual cup of your favorite beverage. Let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite unpredictable but mostly chillier than I’d like and also rainier. At the end of last week (I believe) I was even awoken by a thunderstorm in the middle of the night. And if you know me well enough, you’ll know that I hate thunderstorms.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, thankfully, it wasn’t raining on any of the evenings we did the walking event I mentioned last week. That is, not during our walks at least. I’m also proud to say that I completed the event and earned a medal. I’ve always been surprised at the fact that participants in the big Nijmegen four-day walking event only earn an actual medal every five years. Of course, I can probably guess the reason: the medals we get are cheap and not something a neurotypical adult would appreciate. As such, participants in the Nijmegen thing are as happy with a simple mark of completion as I am with the medal. We also got free ice cream at the end of the event (well, those who’d actually completed the event and earned all their checkmarks). I chose whipped cream-flavored ice cream.

Did I mention that originally, my staff had agreed with me that I’d use a wheelchair as needed during the event? That wasn’t an option according to the staff accompanying me. I sort of understood, but was annoyed at the lack of clear communication. Thankfully, I was able to complete the event on foot.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I had two physical therapy sessions this week. One was on Wednesday and it was originally intended for another dry needling session. However, because of the walk that evening, we decided to do the dry needling on Friday and for the physical therapist to just loosen up my leg a bit.

On Friday, I had my second dry needling session and it hurt like crazy. Afterwards, I got a bit dizzy. However, it’s now nearly 36 hours after the treatment and at least for now the pain is less than it was last week. I’m also hopeful that this will actually in a few days turn out to have significantly lessened my leg pain.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I haven’t been very crafty over the past week. On Monday, I created a polymer clay bear using a new-to-me skill: filling it up with tinfoil. The foil needs to be crumpled very tightly to prevent air bubbles forming in it and there’s also the risk of air bubbles getting trapped between the clay and the foil. Air bubbles will expand and can cause the layer of clay to crack. This happened with the bear too, but still, I’m pretty content with the result.

If we were having coffee, I’d say that I did enjoy thinking up new ideas for creations. I badly want to craft a standing unicorn someday, but it needs a wire armature. I had been reading up more on sculpting with clay, but my book doesn’t include a unicorn or horse (it’s a book about creating animals). So what did I do? I asked ChatGPT. It came up with what sounds like a pretty doable tutorial. I did have a few questions that I asked in a polymer clay group on Facebook. I still need to figure some things out, but I’m confident I will be able to create a wire armature someday and as a result craft a standing unicorn. I already got one of the student staff here quite excited for helping me make it.

“Paper No Longer Exists.”

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m once again participating in Esther’s Writing Prompt, which this week is “paper”. I could be writing about my rather disastrous attempts at paper crafting, but did so already in 2022. I could also write about my first diary, which I kept on Braille notes stuck into a handmade notebook. That would be a short post, as the diary was short-lived. I only regularly kept a diary once I got a computer.

Instead, a phrase I read in a teen magazine back in 2006, comes to mind. The magazine interviewed a futurologist, a person who scientifically tries to predict the future. They asked whether the teen magazine would still exist in 2020. The futurologist said it would not be in the same form, because “paper no longer exists in 2020”.

He probably meant paper tabloids and magazines, not paper in general. More generally, he probably meant that our digital age would’ve progressed so far that people would no longer read traditional paper media. That isn’t entirely true even in 2025, though I wish it were (because that’d make media much more accessible to me).

In other ways, the futurologist was spot on about life in 2020, though not in a good way. He predicted we’d have found a cure for cancer and AIDS by this time. This was what soothed my mind each time I had a health anxiety attack and worried about cancer: if I just made it to 2020, it’d be cureable. As we all know, it isn’t and most likely won’t be anytime soon. That being said, the flip side of the cure the futurologist predicted, did turn out to happen, ie. a global pandemic. And actually exactly in 2020.

Back to paper. I just reread the article and it said that digital paper, which the futurologist claimed would completely replace regular paper, would look just like traditional paper but be wirelessly refreshable. I know some people have digital photo frames, but I haven’t heard of refreshable paper that’s as thin as the regular kind.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: the magazine I got the article out of, no longer exists.

Today’s Small Joys (June 1, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Today is a mixed day emotionally. In the morning, I was quite tired and this frustrated me. At night, I also experienced frustration at the fact that, tomorrow morning, there’ll only be temp workers on this side of the home. We’ll see how it goes though and right now, I want to write and not just moan. So I’m joining Sunny Sunday and sharing this day’s small joys.

1. Doing my hair. I rarely do anything with my hair except for brushing it, but today I decided I wanted it in a ponytail. I have a dozen scrunchies and selected one that has a really velvety texture.

2. Perfume. I also decided to spray on some perfume. I rarely do this and wasn’t sure anyone other than me would notice, but my best friend did.

3. A white Kinder Bueno. Usually my best friend and I buy one to share when we’re at Hema, my best friend’s favorite store. We were there this afternoon, but only to have lunch. I said I wanted to pop into Aldi for some quark and my best friend apparently needed groceries too. It still surprised me that, when dropping me off at the institution, my best friend gave me the Kinder Bueno.

4. A pun on the word “quark”. For those not from Europe, quark is like thick yogurt (sometimes wrongly called cottage cheese). My friend though found another meaning, some type of physics term, and kept asking me whether I wanted “hadron-yogurt”. This is something I truly love about our friendship: the tons of inside jokes that no-one else understands.

5. A large stroopwafel (cookie) with my evening coffee. According to my foo plan, I only get those on Fridays and Saturdays, so it was great having a treat.

6. Lovely comments from my readers. I am so glad I don’t rely on search engines like Google (thank you not, AI) to drive traffic to my blog. I do really hope blogging will withstand the influx of AI.

7. Speaking of AI, having some more creative ideas thanks to a ChatGPT convo I had several months ago and was reminded of today. Specifically, I had ChatGPT create a Premo polymer clay color recipe for the color of my best friend’s car and was reminded of this when a person in a Facebook group asked for Premo color recipes. There are plenty on Etsy, but in that group, we aren’t allowed to mention vendors. Another commenter said a lot of it is experimenting. I am now wanting to start experimenting with colors. I know the result will likely be poor because of my blindness, but I love the creative flow this idea gets me into.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 31, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. I originally wanted to write another post first, but got distracted by a dozen other ideas. It’s 9PM here, so no more coffee for me. I need to drink plenty of water because I have some extra fluid in my right leg. Let’s have a glass of water and let’s chat. Or if you’d like coffee, fine by me too.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. For most of the week, it’s been quite rainy and too chilly for my liking, even though the daytime temperature was probably still higher than it should be. Today though, we have sunshine and a daytime high of 25°C.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I haven’t been as physically active as I’d have wanted to be. Like I said above, I have some unwanted fluid in my right leg. My leg also hurts from muscle knots. I had a dry needling treatment at the physical therapist’s on Tuesday and am having another one next Wednesday. I am not 100% sure it’s working, as on Thursday my pain was worse and besides, I don’t know which pain or limitation is from the muscle knots and which is from the fluid build-up.

Today was a good day in the walking department though. Next week is the institution’s four-day walking event. I’m going to take part in the 3km walk, but I’ll be allowed to sit in a wheelchair as needed (thankfully, this event isn’t as strict on walking as some others are). That way, I can take part in the festivities and enjoy the experience but don’t need to overexert myself.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you about my creative endeavors over the past week. I finished two unicorns for the home’s volunteers on Monday.

That day, I also found out that one of the student staff would be leaving. He didn’t work with me, but I know him because he used to be a student staff at the care facility in Raalte before coming here. Back then, we used to go on walks together, taking his camera with us and snapping pictures which my image description app could then describe. The app wasn’t nearly as advanced as it is now, so I might want to look up some of these pictures and run them through Be My Eyes now.

Anyway, I wanted to craft something for him but didn’t know what until my best friend asked me what his hobbies are. I initially said that I don’t know, then remembered our photographing adventures back in Raalte and said “photography”. My best friend immediately suggested I craft a camera. I had never done so, but my best friend gave me some suggestions. Here’s the result. Be My Eyes recognized it immediately and even said that the photo of the back I took might be of a miniature camera.


If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I cooked pasta for my fellow residents on Thursday. It wasn’t as good as it could’ve been, because the veg had been overcooked and generally speaking the meal was a bit bland. Better luck next time.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that yesterday, on the student staff’s last shift, I played DJ again at the other side of the home. I initially played some Dutch-language songs that were apparently not well-known, but finally I chose “Oerend hard” by Normaal and that had my fellow residents loudly singing along.

Overall, this week was a good one except for the pain.

Blindness Doesn’t Bind Me

Posted on by Astrid

I am blind. This is, in a sense, an advantage. Not because it means I’m more capable in some way than sighted people. Of course, I could be more capable than some sighted people in some ways, but that’s not due to my blindness.

I say my blindness is an advantage in that it allows me an easy explanation for my challenges when I don’t want to elaborate. Other blind people – those in the “competent blind adult” community – may think I’m setting a bad example. Honestly though, I don’t care.

I know blindness shouldn’t bind me. It shouldn’t keep me from achieving my goals. But neither should autism. Or mild cerebral palsy. Or any of my other disabilities alone.

But I don’t want to have to pull my every disability apart to see how it does or does not – or should or should not – limit me. I am not blindness, autism, cerebral palsy or whatnot. And yes, I know I’m more dependent than other people with my diagnoses. But I am not my diagnoses. I am myself and I lead a meaningful life as much as I can. And that includes not letting other people define what that is.

Written for Three Things Challenge #MM75. I didn’t know how to fit in the word “abound” and actually had to look up its definition to be sure I would, if using it, use it correctly.