Today, I feel stuck in the twilight zone between good and bad. I’m not feeling as hopeless as I was two weeks ago, but I can’t quite say I’m feeling happy either. I really feel numb. This seems to be the story of my life anyhow. I’ve rarely felt truly happy. Sometimes, I feel dysregulated, desperate, out of control. Some other times, I feel a glimmer of joy. That rarely lasts long. This afternoon, I experienced such a glimmer of joy when making a necklace. Then this evening, I was in a small crisis again.
Still, I have this instinct to survive, to go on. I still keep this bottle of hope that I know at some level will always be available to me. Even at times when I’m most dysregulated, I haven’t intentionally taken steps that would really end my life. I still, deep down, have this will to continue.
Now if only I could put the energy I’m putting into merely keeping hope alive, into actually practising contentment. If only I could pick up that bottle of hope from the shelf, instead of letting it sit there until I (someday, probably never) find the perfect life circumstances. Keeping hope alive is one thing, but living a life of joy and contentment, is quite a bit further up there.
This post was written for Eugi’s Weekly Prompt and Michelle’s July 1 writing prompt
A Multitude of Musings 
We believe in you, pick up the bottle of hope!
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Thank you. 🙂 I’ll try.
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I feel many share your feelings, perhaps at different levels of frustration. Hang on to that bottle of hope and keep writing, Astrid!
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Thanks so very much. I often feel that I’m the only one who feels this way, but it’s comforting to know you think I’m not.
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You’re welcome, Astrid.
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You’re trying, and I think making progress and that counts for a lot. Take care my friend
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Thank you so much! 🙂 Your support means a lot.
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You’re welcome my friend
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Been there, too, many times. But as long as you have the bottle you’ll find your content life. You are not alone in these experiences! 🤗
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Thank you so much. I’m so glad in a way that I’m not alone. 🙂
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You are definitely not 🤗
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