I Am a Rock #SoCS

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “roc”. I didn’t know that even is a word, but we can use words with “roc” in them too. I was immediately reminded of “rock” and then of the Simon & Garfunkel song “I Am a Rock”. As I assume most of you will know, it goes like: “I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”

This reminded me of the fact that, at around age thirteen, I would describe my class as a country with lots of states and one of them, me, would be an island. Think Hawaii. This, of course, symbolized the fact that I felt like an outsider or even an outcast in my class.

One day, I showed a girl in my class the piece about the island. This girl promptly decided to type on my laptop and let my text-to-speech read: “Astrid is my friend.” She probably felt pity for me, as the friendship never lasted. It was rather based on rules, as was my entire class’s associating with me.

Like, before I found my way around the school by myself, classmates had to sighted guide me around. There was an entire schedule which had the girls be sighted guide and the boys carry my backpack, until I decided, with a little nudging, that I could carry my own backpack. I mean, yes, it was heavy with my laptop and all, but so is every early secondary schooler’s backpack. From then on, the boys would sighted guide me too.

This meant I had to sit with them during recess. After the island story incident with my “friend”, she and her clique allowed me to sit with them everyday during recess even if it wasn’t their turn to be sighted guide.

At the beginning of my second year at this school, I decided I’d had it with sighted guides and especially with the schedule. I tried to find my way by myself, often struggling, but this was better than to have people assigned to me who didn’t want to associate with me. Quickly, that became the entire class, including my “friends”.

I am a rock. I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. Literally. By the end of my second year in this school, I had mastered the coping mechanism of detaching from my surroundings and myself. I felt like I lived in a movie. I still feel that way at times, even though I have no need (I hope) to escape my current life.

14 thoughts on “I Am a Rock #SoCS

  1. Hugs from me too. I have good friends now, but my childhood was like yours even though I had sight. I still don’t know why I was so disliked, except I was usually the new girl because we moved so often. But other new girls were sometimes liked, especially if they were pretty…

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  2. I had never heard that song before, but Simon & Garfunkel never disappoint. That song is pretty sad, though. 😦 I do relate with the lie in the song that goes, ” I have my books and my poetry to protect me.”

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  3. Oh, I’m literally having a deja vu right now! 😀 When I went to a mainstream (well, semi-mainstream school) there also was a schedule for people as for who was to guide me when, it was soooo cringey! I was definitely not actively disliked but had no friends there either, except for one visually impaired girl who often helped me without being asked for it but we didn’t really have anything to talk about or bond over and it wasn’t genuine at all on either side. Eventually she ended up spreading such rumours about me and my family, don’t even know why, that it ended up with a court case, quite an interesting experience.
    I totally feel you on this rock and island thing. I’m really glad that you don’t have the need to escape from your current life but I also know that old coping mechanisms can still get in the way.
    Hugs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so very much! I’m so sorry you didn’t have friends at the inclusive school. As for escaping as a coping mechanism, unfortunately I use it regularly now even though I know rationally that I’m safe now.

      Liked by 1 person

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