Listening to My Inner Voice(s)

The day two prompt in The Goddess Journaling Workbook is about listening to your inner voice. This is incredibly hard. Not just because I have multiple inner voices, but because a lot of them carry shame.

Today I found out Onno van der Hart, one of the world-s top experts on dissociation, had his psychotherapy license revoked indefinitely for violating a patient’s boundaries. He was the main proponent of the structural dissociation theory. This theory is controversial in its own right, as it dehumanizes alters. For example, therapists are supposed to only talk to the host or apparently normal part, who is then supposed to relay messages from the other alters or emotional parts. One of the main problems with this is shame. The host often feels uncomfortable sharing the other alters’ thoughts because they are painful.

So, as an act of radical rebellion, I am going to now let each alter who’s willing to speak on this issue share their thoughts.

I knew this. DID is bullshit. It’s not real, at least in my case. I’m so happy I am not diagnosed, as this Onno van der Hart, a so-called expert, took twenty years therapying with a client only to make her dependent and then dump her like a pile of poo.

I’m scared. I wish I still had the diagnosis so I could get trauma therapy. I want my therapist to comfort me. I don’t want to integrate, but I do want to process stuff. I’m not sure. I’m scared that no-one will believe me now that the Netherlands’ top expert on DID lost his license.

I don’t want no fucking therapy. I don’t want to be forced to be anything I’m not. I just want to be me and be myself and be accepted.

Fuck. I’m manipulative. The whole trauma thing is made up.

Well, I realize I’m not really even capable of letting each of us share their honest thoughts. I still find that I was going to redact out the four-letter words. I feel tons of shame surrounding this whole controversy and the DID thing as well.

As a side note, Onno van der Hart wasn’t sued for his theory of structural dissociation. I think it will continue to guide psychotherapists and the multidisciplinary guideline for treating DID. Van der Hart lost his license for boundary-violation, including unloading his own personal problems onto the patient, sending her unsolicited, emotionally laden E-mails, etc. My husband said he was just trying to cash on her and if no-one saw it, something’s wrong with psychotherapists in general. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

10 thoughts on “Listening to My Inner Voice(s)

    1. In case you’re referring to Van der Hart losing his license, that’s completely justified. The boundary-violation was well-documented by the patient and doctors or therapists don’t lose their license here over something minor. There’s a lot wrong with trauma therapists here in the Netherlands, but I never expected such a high honcho to behave in such a shitty way.

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      1. Yes it is hard. Especially the parts who feel as tho they are making it up and being manipulative etc. it’s a defeated stance (valid), but delegitimises our experience. But the amnesia makes it hard to legitimise and it’s not something I feel like I am super proud of or want to shout from the rooftops you know. So I get where the parts are coming from.

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        1. That makes sense. We don’t often experience amnesia, so we often feel invalid. We don’t think DID/OSDD is anything to be ashamed of but we aren’t particularly proud of it either.

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  1. Boundaries are so hard, and we rely on therapists so much. They are human and so mistakes get made. The mistakes can be so much more damaging when it’s clergy or a therapist—people with so much power over us—versus someone who is more an equal

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