I Am My Top Priority?

Today I decided to buy The Goddess Journaling Workbook by Beatrix Minevera Linden. This book of journaling prompts focuses on the Greek goddesses to explore yourself and keep a manifestation mindset all through the year. The first goddess to be explored is Persephone. She was led into the Underworld by Hades and ate a pomegranate there. This fruit was the fruit of the dead, so Hades could really keep her in the Underworld forever. Eventually, Hades and Persephone’s mother Demeter reached an agreement to keep Persephone in the Underworld half the year and in the upper realm the rest of the year.

Persephone’s story is used as a metaphor for our darker side and our mistakes that follow us throughout life (like Persephone’s eating the pomegranate did). The first prompt in Persephone’s chapter is titled “You are your top priority”. It asks us when we didn’t put ourself first.

Well, my first thought is: am I really supposed to be my own top priority? My husband often says he values me more than himself. I tend to reply that I value him more than myself too. Whenever I doubt that I value him more than myself, I feel guilty. But really, I currently choose myself over my husband whether that’s supposed to be so or not.

It wasn’t always this way. Until I made the decision to try to go into supported housing on September 20, 2018, I always put others first. Not just my husband, but literally almost everyone seemed more important than me.

I was diagnosed with dependent personality disorder in 2016. Though the diagnosis was made for all the wrong reasons, there is some truth to it. I remember my psychologist used my lack of resistance to her opinions against me and she was right. Until I decided to ask for a second opinion in November of that year, I never openly fought her list of ongoing misdiagnoses and mistreatments. It’s interesting that, later, she said I am very assertive but maintained that I have DPD nonetheless.

What also comes to mind, is that as a child and even as a teen, I always did what others wanted and put them before myself. I remember at one point using the Persephone myth to describe how I felt about my relationship to my classmates in high school. (Remember, I went to grammar school, so the classics were taught a lot.)

Still, I was thought of as self-centered or selfish even by my parents. This is probably because, in a materialistic way, I did put myself first. I was often jealous when my sister got gifts. Indeed, she did get more than I did, but I got more attention, albeit most negative.

Now I do generally put myyself first. I decided to go into long-term care despite no doubt disappointing my husband a bit. I mean, of course I struggled greatly living semi-independently, but it wasn’t like I was dying. Or maybe sometimes it was, because I did take two overdoses that could’ve killed me. Then again, wasn’t I selfish for doing this?

Linking up with Life This Week.

11 thoughts on “I Am My Top Priority?

  1. Self-care used to feel selfish but I no longer believe that. I hope you are OK and doing better these days.

    Thank you for linking up for Life This Week. I have created a list of lovely regular linkers such as you on the right hand side of my blog. It’s now showing more of the community that gathers here each Monday to share our stories. Great to see you here too. Next week’s optional prompt is to ‘share your snaps’….hope you will be back. Denyse.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This will sound terrible but I will always defend somebody’s right to suicide. If somebody looks at their life and decides that it is better to end it, I feel I have no right even to have an opinion. It is bad for the people around the person, but perhaps not for the person themself. I am usually very good a general knowledge but I have a big gap when it comes to mythology (greek or otherwise!), so thank you for telling me about Persephone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just saying, I wasn’t suicidal when I took those overdoses. I’m not sure what your point is in saying you respect people’s right to die by suicide. I don’t think it’s a selfish decision in any way if that’s what you mean, but in the vast majority of cases, a suicide attempt is a sign of something else. I’m glad I was able to educate you about Persephone.

      Liked by 1 person

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