How I’m Feeling (Or Something Like It)

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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I’m not sure how I feel right now. It’s past 11PM and I badly want to write, but don’t have the slightest idea what about. That’s probably why I’m turning to the WordPress Daily Prompt, which is quite generic today if you ask me. Or is it? Maybe it’s just that I, being quite intellectually-focused, don’t know how to answer this.

Wait, I was an Enneagram type 4, right? I guess not. I’m perpetually confused as to whether I’m a 4w5 or 5w4. Maybe that means I’m some other type entirely. Or the Enneagram is just pseudoscience (which I know it is but feel in my heart that it’s not).

But I digress. I’ve been feeling all sorts of things today. In the afternoon, I rode the side-by-side bike to the next town to buy some groceries. I also bought a hand mixer and a baking tray, because next week I’m going to bake Biscoff blondies. This was a fun activity, so I felt good. Retail therapy, I guess.

In the evening, I felt overloaded because my spouse was telling me a story on the phone at the same time that a staff entered my room. This had me feeling stressed out for an hour or so.

Then I felt excited again, as I was going to craft a special coffee for my fellow residents and staff. It’s special because it had hazelnut-flavored coffee syrup in it and foaming milk on top. I’m no barista or even close, but I liked the activity. One of my fellow residents, the last time she got my special coffee, was over the moon about the “liquor” in it.

Now it’s 11:30PM and I’m probably supposed to be in bed, but I don’t really feel tired. I think I’m just going to read some more blogs and then go to bed.

Wings and Arrows: How the Enneagram Types (and Other Personality Types) are Interconnected #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter W post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about the interconnectedness of various traits that might, if looked at another way, actually distinguish between personality types. I’m starting with the Enneagram wings and arrows, as I know those best, but may also branch out into other typologies.

Like I shared in my general post on the Enneagram, even though you are thought to be one out of nine different Enneagram types, the types are connected via wings and arrows. I will explain this using my own Enneagram type, which is Four, as an example.

First, each Enneagram type has two wings. In the case of Four, these are Three and Five. The wings complement the main type to form a more complete personality. Most people use both wings, though many use one more than the other. For example, I use my Five wing more.

As a Four, I tend to be dramatic and emotional, while my Five wing allows me, type Five being the Investigator, to look at things more intellectually. The Four with a strong Five wing is sometimes called the Bohemian. Had I had a stronger Three wing, I’d be characterized as the Arisstocrat, because type Threes are usually goal-driven.

Then there are the arrows. These connections determine which way each type moves under stress or in exceptional health. Fours move to type One in health and to type Two in stress.

Of course, a stressed type Four is not the same as a regular type Two. A regular Two, being the Helper, will possibly be a bit codependent but not to an extreme degree, whereas a stressed Four will be overly dependent and needy. As such, one Enneagram type is not better than another, but each type will use the positive qualities of one arrow when particularly healthy and the negative traits of another when particularly stressed.

I relate to characteristics of many Enneagram types. This is understandable not just because of the wings and arrows, but also because each type with two others will be in a particular triad and, depending on your perspective, these triads will be different. For example, type Four is with Three and Two in the heart-centered triad )which means that these types make decisions primarily based on their heart). In another respect though, types Four, Five and Nine are in the same triad, which, if I remember correctly, is based on reactivity.

In a similar way, MBTI types are grouped by primary cognitive function, but they can also be grouped by the dichotomous letter combination. What I mean is, in the latter case, INFJ and INFP are similar, while in the former, they couldn’t be different.

Of course, like I’ve said before, everybody is unique and we all could relate to traits of different types.

Unique: Using Your Individual Qualities for Personal Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m currently quite triggered and feeling unsafe, so this is going to be a bit of a ramble. For my letter U post in the #AtoZChallenge, I’d like to talk about how each person is different and how to use your own unique qualities for personal growth.

Some people like to categorize or label themselves or others, for example using the MBTI, Enneagram or another personality test. There is nothing wrong with this in itself, but if you take your labels too seriously, you run the risk of not seeing the person you yourself are.

For example, I’m an Enneagram 4. For the longest time, I thought that because I identify most with this type, I also had to identify with similarly-described types in other categories. If you’ve seen my post on the MBTI, you’ve seen that for a long while, I identified as INFJ. I still am not sure whether I’m an INFJ or INTJ and basing my identity solely on a meme, isn’t quite wise. That being said, the reason I forever thought I must be an INFJ, is in part that I identify most with Enneagram type 4. However, the Enneagram is based on core motivations, whereas the MBTI is based on cognitive preferences, so why would an Enneagram 4 need to be a Feeling type?

Personality tests, like I’ve said, can definitely help understand yourself. However, they are not the be all and end all of self-understanding. Neither is any other method of identifying yourself as one particular type or another. Not even deep introspection. Yes, it will lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself, but if then you decide to narrow your identity down to a type or even a rating on the Big Five, you’re not doing yourself justice. You are unique, after all. And yes, so is everybody else.

Therapy, Counseling and Coaching for Mental Health and Personal Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter T post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about therapy and other forms of support when you’re dealing with mental health problems and/or when you want to grow as a person.

Generally speaking, therapy isn’t for personal growth, although as a person you may grow when overcoming mental health problems. What I mean by this, is that your therapist isn’t just a sounding board and they aren’t your friend. If you’re feeling pretty good overall, formal therapy at least here in the Netherlands isn’t what you should be looking for. After all, therapy is aimed at helping you, in as little time as possible, to overcome your mental health problems. Here in the Netherlands, in fact, there’s a limit on the number of psychotherapy sessions you can get covered by health insurance. Of course, you could pay out of pocket for more, but if you’re reasonably well-adjusted, why should you?

Coaching and counseling are much more affordable and accessible because anyone can call themselves a counselor or coach. This also means that you’ll find coaches or counselors who align with almost any spiritual or psychological teaching. There are Enneagram coaches, for example, even though the Enneagram is actually nonsense. Did I, a person who frequently writes about herself as an Enneagram type 4, just say that? Yes, I did.

There are, of course, also coaches or counselors who do work within the framework of science-based psychology and education. For example, many people call themselves ADHD coaches and they do (I assume) have some knowledge of the current ideas surrounding ADHD.

Psychotherapy is, here in the Netherlands, often heavily protocol-based depending on your diagnosis or main problem. This is also what I’ve often found frustrating. Like, when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, my psychologist wanted to do schema-focused therapy, but the modes and all that didn’t fit in with my experience of being plural.

At other times, therapy didn’t suit me because, while I sort of understood the theory, I wasn’t able to apply it in practice. This is why I eventually stopped doing dialectical behavior therapy.

I personally don’t do well with therapies that are merely focused on skill-building or that are primarily verbal (talk therapy). I have had the most success with art and movement therapies. I currently do movement therapy based on the Sherborne method. This is a sensory and attachment-based therapy approach. For example, today my therapist brought a multisensory tool called CRDL. When both of us touched the tool with one hand and touched each other’s hands or arms, the CRDL made different calming sounds. This is helping me regulate far better than any DBT skill helped me.

Introversion: How to Know If You’re an Introvert #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today in my contribution to the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about introversion. This, like being a highly sensitive person, is another trait that’s often described in a positive, special-sounding way by those who identify with it and as a negative trait by those who don’t. Of course, as with most traits, introversion vs. extraversion is a continuum with most people not being at either extreme.

So what is introversion? The concept was originally brought into the public’s awareness by Carl Jung. According to Jung, introverts’ main source of energy comes from within rather than from the external world. For example, introverts get energized when alone and get overloaded when having to interact in a group.

It is not, as such, the same as shyness or social anxiety. Introverts, after all, do not necessarily fear interacting with others; it simply drains their energy.

Introversion is also not the same as loneliness. In fact, introverts need considerable time alone in order to recharge. I think many introverts actually feel more alone when surrounded by a large group of people than when they’re spending time in solitude.

Like I said, most people are neither explicitly introverted nor explicitly extraverted. For example, I for one get overstimulated in a group, but also don’t do well when alone for a long time. Like I said when discussing the Enneagram, my instinctual variant is one-to-one. That being said, preferring one-to-one interactions over group chatter is also a sign of introversion.

In other respects, I’m not really an introvert. This, once again, however relates to the positive traits of being an introvert. For example, introverts prefer to have one or two truly close friends rather than a large circle of acquaintances. While this is true for me, it’s not like I form deep connections easily.

Most societies in the developed world tend to value their more extraverted members. In this sense, it is understandable that introverts want to know how to deal with the world around them, a world that doesn’t primarily cater to them. For this reason, as with HSPs, there are many self-help books focused on introverts. There is also some overlap between being an introvert and being a highly sensitive person.

Enneagram: The Nine-Point Circle of Personality #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m late writing my letter E post in the #AtoZChallenge, because I didn’t have time to prewrite it. Yesterday, I was at my and my spouse’s house to say goodbye to our cat, who had to be put down today. When I came back to the institution, I didn’t feel well enough to write my post for today, hence why I’m writing it this evening. My letter E post is about the Enneagram.

What is the Enneagram? The Enneagram of personality is a system of nine different interconnected personality types. Its origin and history are disputed, with many people claiming it has ancient roots. Modern ideas about it, however, mostly come from Bolivian psycho-spiritual teacher Oscar Ichazo in the 1950s and Chilean psychiatrist Claudio Naranjo in the 1970s.

The basis of the idea are the nine points on a geometric figure called enneagram. There is some so-called “sacred geometry” behind the ways the points are connected. For example, the points 3, 6 and 9 are connected and so are the other six points. It has something to do with the fact that one divided by seven is a repetitive number sequence with no three, six or nine in it. I don’t know the details though.

For clarity’s sake, the Enneagram is not science-based, but that doesn’t keep people in the fields of leadership and spirituality from using it.

Like I said, there are nine types on the Enneagram. These can be divided into different categories. For example, there are the centers of intelligence, which are heart (types 2, 3 and 4), head (types 5, 6 and 7) and body (types 8, 9 and 1). There are also instinctual subtypes of each Enneagram type, namely social (SO), sexual/one-to-one (SX), and self-preserving (SP). Everyone uses all three instincts, but one is more dominant than the others.

The nine Enneagram types are mainly defined by a person’s core motivations, or what drives people to act in a certain way. The types are:


  • Type 1: the perfectionist/reformer. Their core desire is to be good/right and they strive to be correct, appropriate, virtuous and ethical.

  • Type 2: the helper/giver. Type Twos want to be appreciated and seen as helpful people.

  • Type 3: the performer/achiever. Type Threes want to be valued and successful.

  • Type 4: the romantic individualist. Fours’ main desire is to be authentic and to find their own place in the world.

  • Type 5: the observer/investigator. Fives mainly want to be competent and capable.

  • Type 6: the loyalist. Sixes mainly want to be secure, safe and supported.

  • Type 7: the enthusiast. Sevens mainly want to be happy, unrestrained and satisfied

  • Type 8: the protector/challenger. Eights’ main focus is on being independent and protecting themselves

  • Type 9: the peacemaker. Nines are mainly focused on being at peace and maintaining harmony.

Like I’ve often said, I’m most likely a type Four. More specifically, I’m probably an SX4.

Comparing Myself to Others as an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’ve reflected on the Enneagram as it relates to me several times before. I often use Enneagram-based journaling prompts for this. Today, a prompt that was designed for those who are type One, the “Perfectionist”, spoke to me. I’m not a One, but, as a Four, I gravitate to type One when in a good mental state. The prompt was how I judge myself and whether I compare myself with others.

Since the prompt resonated with me, I decided to look at the prompts designed for type Fours. There, I found one that asked me who I compare myself to.

I am by no means an expert on the Enneagram, but the first prompt made me think of comparing myself in order to judge and maybe boost my achievements. In other words, if someone else can do something, I should be able to do it too. The prompt for type Fours, on the other hand, made me think of comparison as the beginning stage of envy. In other words, if someone else appears to have or be something I am not or don’t have, I wonder: “Why not me?!” Or worse yet: “Why them?!”

I think that comparing yourself to others can be healthy, when it is done in a constructive way. I’m not saying that Ones’ way of comparing themselves to others, is always healthy. After all, comparing your achievements to others’ can lead to self-defeating beliefs too. In other words, if someone else can do something you can’t, you may be just as likely to fall into the trap of wondering “why not me?” as I am when someone seems to have an “ideal” life.

For me, indeed, comparing my achievements to those of others, sometimes leads to low self-esteem. However, it can also lead to self-motivation. Sometimes I see the possibilities and use this to inspire my own creativity, while at other times, I see that others are “better” and end up wallowing in self-limiting beliefs. This is the fundamental difference, I think, between the question aimed at type One and the question for type Four: Ones are asked how they compare themselves to others, whereas Fours are asked who they compare themselves with. I, as a Four, often end up feeling bad when comparing myself with others. When I, however, let go of the “who” in the comparison, it doesn’t mean I won’t feel disappointed in myself, but chances are higher that I won’t see it as a personal flaw. And no, this is not a way of saying Ones are better than Fours, though of course as quite an unhealthy Four, I feel this way a lot. I’m saying that, when I let go of the “who” when comparing myself with others and instead focus on the “what” of other people’s achievements, I can use this as inspiration for my own personal development.

Clawing My Way Out

Posted on by Astrid

There have been many times when I had to creep out of a very dark, deep pit of despair. I try not to wallow in depression, but, as an Enneagram type Four (and I in no way mean to blame that for all my shortcomings), I struggle to disengage from my feelings and actually live. That is, unless I so completely disconnect from my feelings that I’m in fact pretending they’re nonexistent, something that in turn can lead to my feelings eventually overpowering me and my falling back into the pit. When this happens, I can choose to either stay there or claw my way out and so far, I’ve thankfully always chosen the latter!

I’m thankful that, even though it’s fall and this is usually a season for misery and melancholy for me, I haven’t found myself in the dark valley yet. Let’s hope I can skip it this year!

This post was written for this week’s edition of Six Sentence Stories. The prompt word is “claw”.

Reading, Watching and Listening Lately (September 2, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I originally intended to do a reading wrap-up, but then decided that I want to include things I’ve watched or listened to as well. I hope that means my post is still welcome with It’s Monday! What Are You Reading? (#IMWAYR). I’m also joining Bookish Bliss, Musings and More.

Reading

I said this a few days ago already when writing about my love of memoirs, but I recently started reading a book by a relatively new foster care momoirist. The book is called Jacob’s Story and is written by Louise Allen. I think that title is horribly unimaginative, but the story is good. Louise mostly writes from her own perspective, but the prologue parts are written from other people’s perspectives.

I’m also reading a children’s book, Shamrock’s Seaside Sleepover (Unicorn University, #3) by Daisy Sunshine. The first two books in the series, I finished in one sitting but I apparently didn’t feel as much in tune with my inner child when first picking this one up.

Lastly, I’ve been diving deep into the Enneagram again by reading The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut. I’m not a Christian, so most Enneagram books don’t fully speak to me as they’re Biblically-based. I still, as a spiritual seeker, find some elements to be useful though. However, this book is totally accessible to people of all spiritual or religious walks of life.

Watching

I don’t currently have a subscription to any streaming services except for YouTube Premium. I also haven’t watched anything of note on YouTube recently.

Listening

First off is the podcast The Art of Growth. I listened to an episode published some months ago in the series Nine Love Languages, specifically the one on type 4. This was also what got me into reading Chestnut’s book.

I also am a lover of true crime podcasts. The episode of the podcast Cold Case Files I listened to recently had me totally chilled to the core. It’s called The Perfect Murder.

I usually listen to podcasts on the app Downcast. I used to love Overcast, but they stupidly revamped that app so I no longer use that one. Besides, though both apps are in English, only on Overcast does VoiceOver recognize that, which is a drawback since it then starts reading the titles of Dutch-language podcasts with a strong English accent. I’d rather have it the other way around, as on Downcast. Both apps will let you manually add podcasts from a URL, but both have a search feature too, through which I found the podcasts I mentioned.

Experiencing Envy As an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Lately, I’ve had some real struggles that got me thinking hard about myself. I often want to love myself and that, interestingly, seems to include denying my less than stellar qualities. Then again, if I really want to love myself as I am, that includes accepting my shadow side too.

Today, I am focusing on one of these aspects of myself I’m not so proud of: envy. I’m exploring this from an Enneagram point of view.

As those who’ve read my other Enneagram-based posts know, I’m a type Four. Fours’ core vice is envy. More specifically though, I’m a sexual/one-to-one (SX) type where it comes to instinctual variants. These are not just focused on envy, but on competition.

I don’t necessarily consider myself very competitive in sports or games or whatever. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. However, I realized I’m an SX type when reading the first chapter of The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut and watching some YouTube videos too. I realized I do compete with my fellow clients for care.

Like, I can’t stop claiming that one particular fellow client doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Whether that’s true, doesn’t even matter to me, as I honestly couldn’t care less about his care. In that sense, I’m not competitive. Oh wait, that’s a lie. I didn’t start competing for care until I met the full-time one-on-one client at the intensive support home, so in this sense, it does matter what others have.

I do also believe envy is part of what got me to decide to enter a forum my spouse is active on recently (I left when my spouse called me out). My intention wasn’t to spy on my spouse, but rather I was envious of the connections my spouse had made through that forum. Never mind that I am on a ton of forums myself and could have developed genuine connections if I just cared to put in the effort. I probably have myself and my being a Four to blame for the fact that I never feel like I belong anywhere. Which makes me think, maybe I really am not an SX type, but a social (SO) type. I do need to look into instinctual variants more.