Hi everyone. Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “miss”. I immediately thought of the fact that I miss my mother. No, scratch that: I miss Mommy. I miss a mother I honestly never had.
When I was little, my mother did try to stand up for me to my father, who’d been adamant that if I didn’t meet his expectations for me, I wasn’t worth raising. Not even worthy of life. As regular readers of my blog know, my father asked the doctor when I was an infant in the NICU whether I should still be treated aggressively given my possible future quality of life. The doctor was adamant that they were keeping me alive no matter what.
As I get older, accept more care and show more and more that I’m unable (and unwilling!) to conform to my parents’ rigid ideas of a person with a life worth living, I find that my mother is the one most vocal about the fact that she’d rather die than than live like this. And by she, she means me.
Nonetheless, I can’t keep from texting my mother. I honestly wish I could full on go no contact, but that’d be extremely hard if not impossible. I’m working on making sure that at least she will never be appointed to be my medical power of attorney. I am thinking hard about the difficult choices should I actually deteriorate to the point of no longer being able to make my own decisions. The first step, after all, is making those wishes clear.
However, all this doesn’t keep me from missing Mommy. That is, missing a mother who unconditionally loves me whether I’m disabled, queer, neither or as in my case both.
A Multitude of Musings 
I can relate to this. I miss the mother I never really had. Mine up and left when I was a young adult and I feel like I missed out on so much. That is good that your mother will never be appointed to make decisions for you when it comes to medical things. Your parents sound so harsh on you. I can’t imagine wanting to ever give up on my girls even if they were in the NICU, that would make me want to fight for them even more and I have a gay daughter and I love her just as much as the straight one.
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Thanks for your kind comment. For clarity’s sake, my mother claims her comments about how she hates to see people in care homes and would rather be dead than live like this, are made out of love too. Re your daughter (the lesbian one, or does she herself prefer the word “gay”?): I know you say you love her just as much as the straight one but please do realize this means supporting her and her partner as much as you would your straight daughter and her partner. What I mean is, just because you aren’t in shock about her orientation anymore (I know you said you were at one point and I don’t judge you for that, as society unfortunately still sees heterosexuality as the norm), that still doesn’t mean you’re treating her as an equal to yor straight daughter. Please note, I don’t know enough about you and the bond with your daughters to know whether any of what I say might apply to you but just saying you love your daughters equally isn’t enough. My parents, after all, would never tell anyone that they value my sister more than they do me, but it’s crystal clear from their actions.
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must be so hard, I feel for you, you do deserve a life, and if your life looks different from the life your parents thought you’d have, that is okay, too!
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Thank you once again for the validation.
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