Breaking Point #WotW

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again, as well as participating in the Word of the Week linky. I’ve been struggling intensely over the past few weeks and am wondering how much longer it’ll take before I reach breaking point. Or whether there is such a thing as a single breaking point, honestly. I mean, I’ve been comparing the build-up to my being quite likely burned out to the horrific experiment (I tell the animal-loving part of myself it’s just a thought experiment, but I doubt it is) of the lobster in hot water. You know, the idea that if you throw a lobster into boiling water, it’ll jump right out, but if you gradually boil it, it won’t notice until it’s too late and then it’ll die. Realizing this actually happens makes my inner vegan sick! But I digress…

First, I’d like to talk about the weather. It’s been mild with daytime temps between 14°C and 18°C, but the nights have been a lot colder. We had a little rain early in the week, but none over the past few days and there’s none in the forecast for the upcoming week either.

Then, let me share how things have been going. I’m increasingly overloaded and have had quite a few incidents of crying uncontrolably over the past week. I’ve also been engaging in some compulsive self-imjurious behaviors, particularly at night. I’ve almost literally needed the night shift each night over the past few weeks. Each evening, I’m telling myself I won’t need them tonight and feeling guilty when I do. Most night staff are still understanding and kind, but it’s only a matter of time before they, like the regular staff, will grow weary.

Unfortunately, my support coordinator and assigned staff aren’t on the same page. The rest of the team are all over the place. Most are struggling intensely with feelings of powerlessness. Some admit that they wish they knew how to help me, while others act out their feelings by screaming in my face that if I go on like this, no-one will be there for me anymore. The first group, I feel some level of compassion for even if I don’t know how to show it. The second, I only feel scared of. I’m currently actually terrified for the times the staff who screams about there being nobody for me anymore the loudest will be supporting me. This is the same staff who shoved the “one chance” rule down my throat a few months back, but she’s also the same staff with whom I used to do quite many fun activities. She’s not a bad person or a lazy staffer, but she’s most definitely overworked.

I see it’s a vicious cycle: I’m distressed, exhibit more challenging behavior, which frustrates the staff, who then act out in more repressive ways, causing me even more distress… and unfortunately it’s the staff who show the least harmful repression to me who see the most of my obvious distress. I’m extremely scared of where this will end. My worst fear is the harsh staff being seen as more effective and their actions therefore being reinforced. I’ve heard of more than one current client at this institution being “bullied” (staff’s words) into compliance and I know even the Center for Consultation and Expertise is all for ABA (applied behavior analysis), including in many cases aversives.

I do try to see some glimmers each day. I however sometimes feel guilty when I can’t appreciate them or end up spiraling over some apparently tiny detail when I did enjoy some meaningful activities that day. I constantly hear the staff’s (same staff who screams that soon there’ll be nobody) words that I have nothing to complain about because I get familiar staff and enough one-on-one ringing in my ears. I try to remember my support is better already than it was at the intensive support home, but that only contributes to more guilt over my inability to be upbeat.

Recently, after a few incidents in which I’ve become physically aggressive, I’ve been thinking I should be forcibly medicated or even euthanized. My inner animal lover sometimes contributes to this. If aggressive dogs are put down, shouldn’t I? My wife, who is a vegan, countered that just because aggressive dogs are currently put down, doesn’t mean that’s the way it should be.

18 thoughts on “Breaking Point #WotW”

    1. I’m not 100% sure of the reason I’ve been spiraling more quickly lately, but the downward spiral already started four years ago when first a few and then honestly about half the staff at my then care facility left and my care got worse as a result. I was transferred too another home not even half a year after that, officially voluntarily but when I quickly realized that my new home was a living nightmare and asked to be transferred back, the higher-ups said no because the staff at the old home couldn’t handle my behavior. I was eventually moved to my current home, where though staff try their best and some tiny upward changes have been attempted, the general trend is still downward.

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  3. This was really hard to read, in the sense that I could feel how heavy everything is for you right now. The way you describe that “slow boil” feeling… it honestly captures burnout in such a painfully clear way.

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially with support that feels inconsistent or even scary at times. No one should feel afraid of the people who are supposed to help them. That cycle you described makes so much sense, and it’s not a personal failure, it’s a situation that needs care and understanding.

    And I want to gently say this: you are not something to be “dealt with” or compared to being put down. You’re a human being who’s overwhelmed and hurting, and that deserves support, patience, and safety. I’m really glad you have your wife in your corner.

    I hope things ease for you soon, even in small ways. You deserve to feel safe and supported. 💛

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  4. So sorry you have been struggling. Sending love and hugs. Try not to be too hard on yourself, the night staff sound lovely and I hope they continue to be patient and understanding. That isn’t good about your support coordinator and assigned staff not being on the same page and no one should be screaming in your face!! It sounds like a them problem with them being overworked but it seems to be that way everywhere. My eldest works in care and there just isn’t enough staff which isn’t fair on the residents.

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    1. Thanks for your supportive comment. Yes, at least part of the problem is the staff being overworked, but there’s nothing that can be done about this. At least not by me or the staff themselves.

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  6. This makes me feel so sad. My daughter has been spiralling too, probably the reason my post was so rushed and nearly forgotten this week. I care for her because nobody else will. It’s different when it’s staff looking after you though. I have shouted at my daughter in the past out of frustration, but in all honesty, just keeping my calm helps her calm down. This gets me abuse from everybody else as they say I am pandering to her. I have, over the years (of which there have been many) come to the conclusion that I’m right and they are wrong. My daughter comes first. I only wish you had the same care. I will keep you in my thoughts. I really hope you can pull through this and find some kind of happiness again.

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind comment and I apologize for not having commented on yours (I did read it) or anyone else’s for that matter. I’m so glad you’re trying your best to keep calm even when your daughter is spiraling.

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  7. I’m sorry you are at breaking point. I don’t think forcibly medicating you is the way to go. I think kindness validation, and helpfulness, not screaming in your face, will go a long way in supporting you!

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    1. I think so too, but the entire care system is so used to “behavior management” rather than support. Heck, antipsychotics are even sometimes referred to as “behavior medication” and that’s exactly what they are in my case, since I’m not and never have been psychotic or manic.

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  8. I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling intensely lately and are feeling overloaded. I really hope that things start to feel lighter for you soon. That’s awful to have your staff support screaming in your face like that. Not knowing how to help you is one thing, but screaming in your face is a completely unacceptable response. I hope that you are able to get the support you need and feel less overwhelmed by things soon.

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    1. Thanks so very much. Unfortunately things have only gotten worse over the past ten days. I’ll meet with the substitute behavior specialist tomorrow but I doubt anything’s going to change for the better.

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  9. I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. Go easy on yourself. Let me share with you. I go to work every day to make a difference, I have a stressful job and I don’t need to work for financial gain. There are easier and better paid jobs I could be doing, but I love the job I do, helping my students ( I had a stool thrown in my direction today, it missed) I don’t need to put myself a risk. I don’t go to work to put myself in harms way. I go to work because every day, someone makes me smile, someone says thanks for helping me. I hope you have a member of staff that feels this way about you. I bought my students some sweets today, last week I gave them all a sticker. Today a student showed me they still had their sticker on their jumper. My students are 15 & 16 years old. #wotw

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    1. Thanks for your kind comment. I’m so sorry you experienced aggression but glad you weren’t hurt. I’m also very happy you cherish the good moments at your job.

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