Unsettling Dream

Last Monday, I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner. First, I said that I was doing pretty well. This is a big step for me, as I’m not normally accustomed to saying I’m well. He started talking about decreasing the frequency of our appointments and possibly even working towards ending my treatment. While I was able to say that this is far too early for me, at least talking about termination, it all still unsettled me.

I mean, I’ve had my latest med tweak only two weeks ago. Two weeks prior to that, I was in a major crisis.

Honestly, looking at it this way, it seems nuts that he even mentioned terminating. This honestly confirms my fear that if I’m doing well, it automatically means I’ll lose my help. Thankfully, I was able to keep myself from panicking and calmly told him that I’m not ready to stop my treatment now or in the foreseeable future. After all, I still want to lower my Abilify dose and that’d take a psychiatric provider to supervise too.

We eventually agreed on a re-evaluation in December or January and to keep the frequency of my appointments as it is now until then at least. My nurse practitioner already seemed to make it pretty clear he really wants to decrease our appointments by then, but oh well.

The following night, I had my first trauma-related nightmare since going on the topiramate. It wasn’t a direct reliving of a traumatic event, thank goodness. However, my dreams rarely are.

In my dream, I was standing on top of the Erasmus building of Radboud University in Nijmegen, a 20-storey building. Someone I didn’t recognize but who sounded strangely soothing was holding me in a comforting embrace. Then, she said: “Sit down please. I can’t hold you any longer.” Just as I was going to sit down, my right leg slipped and I was standing there with my right foot hanging in mid air. Then I awoke. I immediately realized the symbolism in this dream.

I had the sensibility to press the call button and the night shift came by. Thankfully, she didn’t just soothe me, but encouraged me to actually tell her my dream, which I did. She then confirmed that I’m not in Nijmegen now, but in Raalte.

Needless to say, I’m going to make sure at my next appt, my nurse practitioner understands that just because I’m doing well for a few weeks, doesn’t mean I’m ready to quit my treatment.

15 thoughts on “Unsettling Dream

    1. It’s probably just that it’s been six months or so since we started our current appointment frequency and he has to evaluate it once in a while for insurance purposes. Felt weird though indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. You’re right, it may be a problem that IQ-wise, I’m smarter than most people helping me indeed. Emotionally, not so.

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  1. Wow, that’s sad, and rather weird in a way, that as soon as you’re improving, your nurse practitioner is talking about quitting, or even lessening the frequency. I mean, you don’t have some single, short-term problem that’s solvable by a half year’s worth of appointments, you have CPTSD which I guess can rarely be dealt with in such a short space of time, and I suppose saying something like this right away as soon as you’re doing a bit better could be potentially triggering. Even if it was due to an insurance evaluation, the hurriedness of it feels rather insensitive and it’s understandable that you’d react to such a thing with some sort of a fear of getting better. I don’t think I’d react much different than you honestly, even though I am not in therapy or anything like that right now and don’t have PTSD.
    And that dream sounds quite hardcore with the symbolism. When I have something difficult that I’m trying to process in my mind, I also tend to get dreams that seem to pertain to this in a symbolic yet weirdly clear way and sometimes it’s eerie and I really dislike the way it impacts me sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for validating me. I agree, I have a chronic mental illness, whatever the diagnosis (BPD, C-PTSD, DID or whatever) and wouldn’t even be in treatment with this team if I didn’t. To my nurse practitioner’s credit, I may’ve misunderstood his talking about termination as talking about discharging me from the team when what he probably meant was discontinuing our treatment sessions with him specifically. This team is an assertive community treatment team, where the main focus is on nurses doing support, not actual therapy. That being said, indeed I was quite triggered by his mention of working towards termination.

      As for the dream, I usually don’t get direct relivings of my trauma, but rather dreams that are connected to it in some kind of way that’s obvious to me but not to someone not familiar with my life story.

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  2. The shortsightedness of the healthcare system is really discouraging to me. “Okay great, you’re doing better now so therefore let’s immediately cut off support” is not an acceptable or sane response to mental health issues. Particularly when dealing with pharmaceutical medications, whose effects can take months to kick in fully (and you’re not guaranteed they’ll help or work, either!).

    I’m really glad you stood up for yourself and said “no, it’s not okay to start backing off and praying for the best now.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for supporting me! Like I said, it might’ve been just that it was time for an evaluation for insurance purposes, but even then the situation was a bit off.

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