Fighting the Depression Demon

I was in yet another crisis yesterday. When the extra staff was about to leave, I crashed and started crying. The staff felt somehow obliged to stay and, when she finally left, another staff tried to comfort me. I cried for like three hours.

Then today it seemed to start all over again. I decided to call my husband, who told me to push the depressive thoughts away. I was going to say I feel like a selfish monster for having even unconsciously made the staff stay yesterday, but my husband said that I need to push away those thoughts too.

My husband kept repeating that I’m not a monster and I need to stop those thoughts now. He said that these thoughts are destructive. I find it hard to understand, but maybe on some level I do. I mean, I feel that I’m wicked and that’s why I’m depressed and that’s why I ask for more and more help and that’s why people leave me and that’s why I’m depressed. I can see now that this is a vicious cycle. I’m not sure it isn’t true, but I remember from the little cognitive behavior therapy I took years ago that really it doesn’t matter. It’s non-functional. Or destructive even. And that’s what matters.

My husband tried to remind me that God loves me. I kept getting stuck on technicalities such as the fact that I wasn’t baptized. At first he told me: “So then get baptized if it helps you.” I can’t see how I could be baptized in this time of social distancing.

Then my husband started to tell me that I am at a crossroads and can take one step towards despair or one step towards hope each second. Maybe even if I don’t get baptized at this point, because well I can’t, I can take a number of baby steps towards hope. Towards God.

Lord, please help me take every second as it comes. Please help me choose each second to take that one step, even if it’s a snail’s step (or crawl, whatever snails do), closer to You.

Lord, thank you for bringing my husband into my life. Thank you for speaking through him and reminding me to live positively. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now I’m totally clueless about the supposed format of prayers, so I have no idea whether this was a proper one. I trust God hears me whether my prayer was written properly though.

12 thoughts on “Fighting the Depression Demon

  1. I think the depression demon tends to overgeneralize. Even if a thought or an action was selfish, that doesn’t make the whole person selfish, but the depression demon doesn’t want to see that difference. It seems like a difference God would see, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry you are not doing well due to depression! I understand what you are feeling and I know how much it hurts.
    Only 2 weeks ago I was at my lowest; I thought I couldn’t go on anymore. But I started being kind to myself and speaking positive affirmations every morning and every night. I started seeing myself more positively; I started really being kind to myself for once because I deserve it and so do you.
    I would recommend going on youtube and finding some positive affirmations to repeat over yourself. You will be surprised how much better you will feel!
    Keep going, lovely; life really does get better 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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