I Am Overwhelmed

Yesterday I sat in front of my computer for an hour or more typing up a blog post, only to erase it again because I couldn’t find the proper words to finish it. Today I’m trying again.

I am horribly overloaded. To be honest, even the mere thought of having to write a blog post, adds to that. So why do I do it? I guess this post won’t get many views or much engagement at all, so why bother? Then again, I may be able to get my rollercoaster of emotions to slow down a bit if I write stuff down.

Last Saturday, I attended an online meeting of CP Netherlands, the national charity for people with cerebral palsy and their parents. I wasn’t sure whether to attend, as I’m not 100% sure my mobility impairment is severe enough to count as CP. Of course, the other attendees advised me to get a referral to a rehabilitation physician to find out.

Of course, just self-understanding isn’t a reason to get assessed for CP as an adult. However, I’m noticing that my mobility gets somewhat worse and I experience more pain. This could be my being overweight, of course. I will also get orthoses soon to help with the position of my feet. This might help.

In the meeting and later in the CP Facebook group, I shared how all my past professionals said my issues weren’t due to the disability they were assessing for. For example, the occupational therapist from the blindness agency said that my difficulties weren’t due to blindness. The OT for the psych hospital said my motor ability was more or less fine. At least, I didn’t have significantly less strength in my left hand than my right. The neurologist consulted when I earlier complained of worsening mobility, said it wasn’t my hydrocephalus either or if it was, my issues were not severe enough to warrant risky surgery. I agree. However, ultimately, my psychologist concluded everything was fine and I was just being dependent.

I asked my staff to talk to the physician for my facility and maybe the physical therapist about my mobility impairment. I after all do experience worsening pain and what may be spasticity. I’ll hopefully hear back soon.

Then today I experienced terrible sadness. I was overwhelmed by some sounds other clients made in the living room, but felt bad going to my room. My assigned staff said maybe I expect too much of myself. I mean, I’m half convinced that I’m deteriorating, which my staff doesn’t see. Maybe I indeed need to take a break. Lower the bar on my step goal now that my broken Fitbit won’t notice anyway. Stop wanting to write a blog post everyday, or really more than one. Be content with just two or three 20-minute walks a day and relaxing the rest of the day. I’m not sure. This feels so much like giving up.

14 thoughts on “I Am Overwhelmed

    1. Oh thanks so much for saying that. I do feel that way with respect to neurodivergence such as autism indeed, but somehow physical issues feel different to me. I wouldn’t judge someone e lse for wanting a diagnosis for CP just for self-understanding though.

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  1. If you want to and enjoy writing one or more blog posts a day, I think you should. Assuming that your feeling good about writing them is because you do enjoy it or find it to be an otherwise worthwhile activity. Doesn’t depend on whether a few or a lot of people read, but on how expressing yourself makes *you* feel. … Some of my posts never get read, but for me, the writing is the reward, not the readership.

    And also, what the previous responder said. Confirmation is good, and one does not need an excuse to examine, classify, and verify the facts of an experience.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment. I do agree that writing helps me and it still helps me even if it doesn’t get read, but I’m generally very self-conscious where it comes to my writing.

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    1. Thanks for your comment. Well I understand it if health professionals say they don’t have the expertise for this, but it’s all too easy to chalk stuff up to dependency or the like then.

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  2. Nothing wrong with not blogging if your stressed, sometimes a break is just what is needed. With your healthcare staff, it is easy to get overwhelmed but you’ve always done a good job advocating for yourself so I’m sure it will all workout. Hugs from all of us.

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  3. Today sounds like a tough one for you so thank you for taking time to post. Some days many of us are reading and empathasizing and sometimes there are no words, just thoughts towards your wellbeings and hope that tomorrow will be better. If blogging helps slow down the head miles then let it rip Astrid. This is your space and your blog: and trust followers to support you in ways that reflect their personal style. I know I tend to “hide” when things overwhelm me and wish I could get it all down and out there, I feel that would be a release. So I admire that you are able to do that so eloquently. Never apologise, as I said before this is your place in cyberspace. Take care today and no it is not quitting. Cyber hugs – in COVID times – from my space to yours xx Linda

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    1. Thanks so very much for commenting and for the cyber hugs. I know I tend to be pretty self-critical where it comes to my blogging. Maybe I need to let that go a bit.

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