Last week, I had a meeting with my nurse practitioner. We discussed my experience of being multiple, of having roughly 25 different selves. We also went into part of the reason I’m like this: childhood trauma.
There are selves who are pretty loyal to my parents. They keep wanting to call them, visit them. They keep worrying about what happens to them shoudl they fall ill. My parents are in their sixties, so it is pretty well possible that their health will fail anytime within the foreseeable future. Of course, I don’t hope so and they’re still pretty active, but well, religion aside, no-one has eternal life.
Then there are parts who have stopped caring about loyalty and who are focusing on me. One of these selves emerged shortly after my grandma’s death last May. This event seemed to be cathartic, having caused me, or at least that part of me, to let go of the idea that my parents will ever be what I wish them to be. Just like I won’t be what my parents wished me to be, they won’t be what I wished them to be.
This split between wanting to be loyal to my parents and wanting to move on with life and my own process, also comes to light on this blog. I usually write pretty openly about my experiences, but each time I keep wondering what my parents will think if they ever read this. Part of me doesn’t care, as I’m not lying about my experiences or feelings. Part of me feels I’ve been scapegoated enough that I have a right to tell the truth even if it hurts. Yet part of me still feels I have to be loyal, show respect, honor the people who brought me into this world.
Linking up with Five Minute Friday. The word for this week is “loyal”.
A Multitude of Musings 
I use to feel the same way with my family, you are loyal to your family and you do the right thing because they are your family. But there is only so much you can take and deal with family or not.
I was thinking about it one day how much time I spent doing for my family that took away from things I wanted to do or time with my kids. How they treated me in the end no matter what I did for them and how it was never enough or good enough. They always take take take never there if I needed anything. Just to tell me how horrible I was doing, how it was my fault or what. Never to help. I thought family is supposed to be there for you no matter what and help just like I had been for them. Here they aren’t they just bitch and complain and make life miserable, I would not let a friemd or stranger on the street treat me this way why am I letting the people who supposedly “love” me and care about me treat me this way? I have friends who treat me more like family than my family. Thats when I decided that family or not I was not going to be loyal to those who were not to me. Why spend time doing for people who careless about me my family and my time. Now my kids and me come first and life has been so much happier. Letting my mom move in giving her one more chance thinking things would be different was a huge mistake.
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Family relationships can be so difficult. May God be with you as you navigate the answers to your questions. We need to be loyal–but that doesn’t mean we need to accept other people’s version of us. We must be loyal to God, to ourselves, and to our family (and if that means setting boundaries and helping them get help, than that’s what we have to do).
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May God grant you wisdom on how to honor your parents as He would have you do so. Blessings and peace to you.
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