How I’m Feeling (Or Something Like It)

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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I’m not sure how I feel right now. It’s past 11PM and I badly want to write, but don’t have the slightest idea what about. That’s probably why I’m turning to the WordPress Daily Prompt, which is quite generic today if you ask me. Or is it? Maybe it’s just that I, being quite intellectually-focused, don’t know how to answer this.

Wait, I was an Enneagram type 4, right? I guess not. I’m perpetually confused as to whether I’m a 4w5 or 5w4. Maybe that means I’m some other type entirely. Or the Enneagram is just pseudoscience (which I know it is but feel in my heart that it’s not).

But I digress. I’ve been feeling all sorts of things today. In the afternoon, I rode the side-by-side bike to the next town to buy some groceries. I also bought a hand mixer and a baking tray, because next week I’m going to bake Biscoff blondies. This was a fun activity, so I felt good. Retail therapy, I guess.

In the evening, I felt overloaded because my spouse was telling me a story on the phone at the same time that a staff entered my room. This had me feeling stressed out for an hour or so.

Then I felt excited again, as I was going to craft a special coffee for my fellow residents and staff. It’s special because it had hazelnut-flavored coffee syrup in it and foaming milk on top. I’m no barista or even close, but I liked the activity. One of my fellow residents, the last time she got my special coffee, was over the moon about the “liquor” in it.

Now it’s 11:30PM and I’m probably supposed to be in bed, but I don’t really feel tired. I think I’m just going to read some more blogs and then go to bed.

Romantic?

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
What’s your definition of romantic?
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Well, this is an interesting question. One could define romantic as a form of attraction, ie. being in love or having a crush on someone. In that sense, I would say I rarely if ever experience it. I mean, I had childhood crushes, but the reason I called these crushes was more because that’s what everyone else called them. You know, when a girl and a boy hang out, they are almost automatically assumed to be in love. And even when I found out I liked girls more, I still said I was “in love” because everyone my age had a boyfriend or girlfriend.

When I met my now best friend, both of us probably had similar thoughts of what sharing our life was supposed to mean. We now realize we weren’t looking for a romantic partner but for a best friend. So that’s what we are. We are technically still married, but we aren’t in love. Honestly, never were.

Then, “romantic” can refer to an expression of thinking someone is special. In this sense, I am quite romantic. I am a sucker for hearts even though they make my best friend feel slightly uncomfortable now that we’ve clarified to each other that we aren’t in love. In this sense, the feeling of having a crush on someone, for me, is quite different from feeling that they’re special. I must admit I’m still figuring these things out though.

Daily Habits I Already Do That Improve My Quality of Life

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?
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So many times, we think about the habits we could add to our daily routine to improve our quality of life. I at least do and then the only thing I do is make a list of them, but I don’t actually add most habits to my daily routine. I must admit, there’s very little I do literally everyday. This, however, is a nice reminder to look at the tiny things I do (almost) daily that improve my life.

  1. Get up at a reasonable time. I used to be a big one for lie-ins until late morning or early afternoon. Now though, I always get up between 8AM and 8:30AM. Yes, also on weekends. I sometimes go back to bed after breakfast for about half an hour, but I consider that my chill moment rather than me needing the extra sleep.
  2. Eat breakfast. I sometimes skip lunch or dinner, but I never skip breakfast. This hasn’t always been the case. Like, when I was a teen usually the first thing I’d pop into my mouth would be a candy bar or two from the school vending machine. Even when in the mental hospital, I’d often not wake up until mid-morning or later and would skip breakfast.
  3. Brush my teeth. This is another one that hasn’t always been this way. Like, in the mental hospital I’d skip toothbrushing more often than I’d actually do it. The staff thought that I just didn’t want to brush my teeth and,, since I had a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, this was considered “my choice”. However, I struggled with the feel of the manual toothbrush, the taste of toothpaste and I’d often simply forget to brush my teeth.

    Now, I get reminded to brush my teeth and my staff supervise me. Though I haven’t found a solution to the toothpaste issue, using an electric toothbrush helps a lot already.
  4. Go for a walk. Or several. This is something I don’t literally do everyday, but 99% of the time, I go for at least one longer walk.
  5. Call or text my spouse. Social interaction helps improve quality of life too, so I include this one. I sometimes am so busy with my morning activity that I don’t text my spouse until early afternoon, but not a day goes by when we don’t interact.

Looking at this list, most of these habits I do in the morning. That’s so interesting, since I consider myself a night person. Things I do in the evening that improve my life, however, aren’t usually literally daily habits.

My Favorite Type of Weather

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite type of weather?
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I am pretty sure I answered this question before when rambling on for one of Paula Light’s former #TGIF posts. At least, I did share that Erwin Kroll, the Netherlands’ most well-known meteorologist during the 1990s, said in an interview for the kids’ audio magazine I subscribed to at the time, that partly cloudy weather with a daytime temperature of 22°C was his favorite and I probably added that mine wouldn’t be far off. I’d prefer slightly warmer weather, but I don’t care for daytime highs in the high 20s, let alone 30s or above.

At night, I prefer a temperature below 10°C. Oh wait, I’m being a bit difficult, as with daytime highs in the 20s, you hardly ever get night-time lows below 10°C.

I used to hate rain with a passion, but now, though I don’t care for it, I will still go outside if it’s drizzling a little. I still can’t stand snow, sleet or hail.

As a side note, I had a discussion with one of my staff a few days back. He said he’d love for the daytime temperature to be 20°C now. I said me too, and we will more than likely get our way sooner rather than later given the speed of climate change, but this does mean summer highs will be in the 40s too. Be careful what you wish for…

My Dream Room

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
Write about your dream home.
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When I saw this prompt, I was pretty sure I had written a zillion posts answering this very same question on here already, but when I did a quick search on my blog, I found just one: a post I wrote in 2021. This was long before I decided to move out of Raalte and then move out of the intensive support home again. Then again, neither of those moves had to do with the interior of the homes I resided in.

In fact, my room in Raalte was the best room I’ve had in a care facility so far, except for maybe my apartment in the independence training home. My current room, though not bad, is one of the worse ones in terms of its set-up. For one thing, it’s the very first room from the living room. This has its positives, but a huge negative is the fact that the living room television is literally set against my room’s wall. I’m not complaining – when I came into care, I never sought a dream home. I sought reasonably good care.

Now, to actually get to the point, I’m going to share some things my dream home would have.

First, it’d not be large. It’d not be a home at all, really. More like a studio. After all, I already occasionally got lost in my apartment in the intensive support home. I’d like a room similar to the one I had in Raalte, really, maybe slightly larger. It’d have its own bathroom and kitchen, of course, like I had in Raalte too. It would, unlike my room in Raalte, be on the ground floor and have a door that would lead to a patio where I could sit outside on warm days.

The bathroom would be luxurious, with its own bathtub for me to relax in. The kitchen would have all the things I need to cook a simple meal with assistance, like a microwave oven, fridge, etc.

Lastly, there’d be an armchair for me to relax in. Then there’d be all my regular furniture, such as my desk, craft table, cabinet and bed. Now that I think of it, I wouldn’t want a sensory waterbed, as then the room would be either too crowded or too large for me to navigate. I’d maybe like an additional sensory room. Not yet sure of that one.

I would, of course, decorate my room/apartment/whatever. I’d have my walls painted the same pink color I currently have on my wall here at the care home. My spouse reminded me that I had originally wanted my wall here to be painted lilac. I replied that I’d already written in this post that I’d go with pink, so pink it will be. I would add colorful, handmade wall art. In fact, this might become a reality here in my current room someday in the not too distant future, as one of my staff helped my fellow residents create wall art with colorful pieces of felt and I’m pretty sure with her help I could do a similar work.

What “Playtime” Means to Me #Bloganuary

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt from #Bloganuary asks us about playtime. What does “playtime” mean to me? Do I play in my daily life?

Honestly, it depends on how one would define “playtime”. I, as someone who does not work, could consider my day activities “playtime”. I mean, there are individuals who do work-like day activities, but I don’t. Indeed, I’m pretty sure I consider working with polymer clay “playtime”.

For 2024, I am considering restarting some adapted version of The Artist’s Way. I mean, I cannot do Artist’s Dates completely by myself, but I can be more creative doing them than I would otherwise be. As Julia Cameron says, doing the work of the Artist’s Dates and other tasks in the book is really play, and I’m pretty sure I agree.

I also sometimes do actual things considered “playtime” by most adults, such as go on swings or roundabouts. We have adult-size playground equipment on institution grounds that I occasionally go on.

No Longer Defective #Bloganuary

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s daily prompt for #Bloganuary is to share about your biggest challenges. At one point, I believe I wrote on this blog that my biggest challenge ever is my poor distress tolerance. Right now, I’d like to take it to a deeper level and say that my two biggest challenges are basic mistrust and a sense of being defective. I think the sense of being defective is even worse. This stems from my being an Enneagram type Four – or my being a Four is a result of my sense of defectiveness. In fact, the most distressed Fours are called “Defectives”. The healthiest are called “Appreciators”.

Being an externally-oriented Four – I’m undecided as to whether my instinctual variant is Social or Sexual -, I commonly blame others, be they in my past or present, for my sense of defectiveness. Now it is true that my parents commonly alternated between idealizing and devaluing me, that I was severely bullied in school and that I suffered numerous other traumas. That’s an explanation. It’s not an excuse.

There’s a thing I forgot to list when writing my not-quite-resolutions for 2024 earlier today: to work on personal growth more. I mean, honestly, I’m pretty stable where it comes to the most severe of (C-)PTSD symptoms. I do still get nightmares and flashbacks, but they do not ruin my day nearly everyday. Rather, my main issues are probably clinically classified as personality disorder symptoms, shameful as that feels to me to admit. I may or may not need a therapist to work on those, and if I do need one, I may or may not be able to find one. I can, however, work on exploring my issues on my own. I want to stop seeing myself as defective and start moving towards becoming the appreciator I know I can be.