Zodiac, Etc.: Astrology for Personal Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter Z post in the #AtoZChallenge, I’m writing about astrology. This may be seen as cheating once again, as astrology is about as far removed from science as can be, but then again my topic is personal growth and some people do believe in astrology and use it for self-development. I realize I already wrote a bit about the topic for my letter T post in 2020, which also covered tarot. Like you may’ve noticed during this year’s #AtoZChallenge if not the one in 2020, I believe firmly in picking what works for you and leaving the rest whether it’s science-based or not. Like, I personally do find the Enneagram helpful and I occasionally do visit astrology forums online too. I just wanted to make clear that I’m not claiming there’s any evidence behind it.

So what is astrology? Astrology is the belief that the position of the stars and the celestial bodies they form in space have an influence on people and the natural world. The Zodiac sign, or sun sign, is the celestial body closest to the sun at the time of an event (usually a person’s birth). Mine is Cancer. There are other signs that are important in astrology too, such as the person’s moon sign.

What does someone’s Zodiac sign say about their personality? Honestly, nothing. I mean, I did a quick Google search for personality traits of people with the Zodiac sign Cancer and, though the first two hits (I was too lazy to look any further) included somewhat similar traits, they are incredibly broad and I no doubt would be able to find different descriptions if I weren’t so lazy. For example, Cancers are supposed to be caring, creative and intuitive. They also supposedly value long-lasting relationships. Well, doesn’t everyone? Oh, and we care about traditional values. Not me! But maybe that’s because I was born prematurely and should really have been a Libra. Just kidding.

Youth to Midlife: At What Point is Personality Development Complete? #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m cheating a little with my letter Y post in the #AtoZChallenge, because I’m not really talking about any Y topic. That is, my topic for today is personality development from youth to midlife.

Many people believe that someone’s personality development is more or less complete by the age of eighteen. This isn’t true. The last phase in emotional development, which covers people’s individuation from everyone else, isn’t complete until a young adult has reached age 25 or so.

Similarly, cognitive abilities such as executive functioning, which is important for impulse control, haven’t fully developed until a person is in their late twenties.

As such, can we say that someone is well and truly an adult by the age of 30? Not necessarily. After all, life experiences also contribute to adulting. This means that in today’s society, where people leave home later, many don’t start a family until they’re in their mid-thirties, etc., with respect to life choices, someone hasn’t truly faced the most difficult ones until they’re around age 40. Which is midlife whether you want it or not. Yes, Millennials like me might want to pretend to still be youthful, and this makes sense from a personality development standpoint, but we’ve most likely had (nearly) half our life behind us.

What does this mean if you want to work on personal growth? What does it mean when you’re struggling with a personality disorder? Personality disorders are said to start in early adulthood and be stable over time, but are they?

I try to see it as there being hope. People with certain personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, do experience improvement of their symptoms as they get older. In fact, when I was in my mid-twenties, my psychiatrist told me my dissociative and emotion regulation problems (which were at the time not diagnosed as BPD, by the way) would likely get better as I got older. So far, they haven’t, but then again I (hopefully) still have half my life ahead of me.

Xennials, Boomers, Gen Z, Etc.: Does Your Generation Determine Your Personality #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Wow, we’ve arrived at the dreaded letter X! Now let me tell you X, by recommendation of one of the founders of the #AtoZChallenge (I don’t remember who) several years ago, was the first letter I decided on a topic for. This topic isn’t necessarily related to personal growth or even psychology, more to sociology. However, it’s fun nonetheless.

My topic for today’s post is generations. The idea that people of one generation have similar traits that differ from those of another generation, is tempting. Like, we all grew up at different times in history, so doesn’t it make sense that the technology available to us, the major world events of our teen years, etc. affect our personality?

The short answer to this though is “No”. Yes, young people (Gen Z currently, those born between 1995 and 2010) have a different attitude to life than older people like Gen X (birth years 1965-1980) or Boomers (1945-1965). They, for example, tend to have a more laid-back work ethic (also known as them being lazy) and a more relaxed view towards the future.

I see this myself in all the temp workers who are self-employed, most of them in their early to mid twenties. They clearly are in there for the quick money (self-employed temp workers get nearly twice as much as regular employees) and have a rather short-sighted attitude, such as not having disability/sick leave insurance.

If you read this, you may wonder why I said generations don’t have different characteristics. The reason I said so is it’s not their generation, but their age. When other generations were in their early twenties, they had a similarly laid-back attitude towards work or school. As an example, I’ll give my father (Boomer): he was in college for ten years free-wheeling through different majors and never finished anything. As he got older though, he did develop a more serious work ethic.

So what generation am I? I was born in 1986 so am none of the generations mentioned in the title. Xennials, after all, are on the cusp between Gen X and Millennials, roughly birth years 1977-1983. Instead, I’m a core Millennial. And it’s definitely the best generation to be in. After all, in our teens, we got a world-shattering terrorist attack to adapt to, in our twenties, we survived the Great Recession, and in our thirties, we survived COVID. If that doesn’t make us resilient, I don’t know what does. Just joking.

Wings and Arrows: How the Enneagram Types (and Other Personality Types) are Interconnected #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter W post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about the interconnectedness of various traits that might, if looked at another way, actually distinguish between personality types. I’m starting with the Enneagram wings and arrows, as I know those best, but may also branch out into other typologies.

Like I shared in my general post on the Enneagram, even though you are thought to be one out of nine different Enneagram types, the types are connected via wings and arrows. I will explain this using my own Enneagram type, which is Four, as an example.

First, each Enneagram type has two wings. In the case of Four, these are Three and Five. The wings complement the main type to form a more complete personality. Most people use both wings, though many use one more than the other. For example, I use my Five wing more.

As a Four, I tend to be dramatic and emotional, while my Five wing allows me, type Five being the Investigator, to look at things more intellectually. The Four with a strong Five wing is sometimes called the Bohemian. Had I had a stronger Three wing, I’d be characterized as the Arisstocrat, because type Threes are usually goal-driven.

Then there are the arrows. These connections determine which way each type moves under stress or in exceptional health. Fours move to type One in health and to type Two in stress.

Of course, a stressed type Four is not the same as a regular type Two. A regular Two, being the Helper, will possibly be a bit codependent but not to an extreme degree, whereas a stressed Four will be overly dependent and needy. As such, one Enneagram type is not better than another, but each type will use the positive qualities of one arrow when particularly healthy and the negative traits of another when particularly stressed.

I relate to characteristics of many Enneagram types. This is understandable not just because of the wings and arrows, but also because each type with two others will be in a particular triad and, depending on your perspective, these triads will be different. For example, type Four is with Three and Two in the heart-centered triad )which means that these types make decisions primarily based on their heart). In another respect though, types Four, Five and Nine are in the same triad, which, if I remember correctly, is based on reactivity.

In a similar way, MBTI types are grouped by primary cognitive function, but they can also be grouped by the dichotomous letter combination. What I mean is, in the latter case, INFJ and INFP are similar, while in the former, they couldn’t be different.

Of course, like I’ve said before, everybody is unique and we all could relate to traits of different types.

Values and Vision: Determining What’s Important in Life to You #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m still struggling a bit, but I was pretty creative again today. Besides, I’m still going strong with the #AtoZChallenge and that’s an accomplishment in its own right. Today’s letter is V and I want to talk about values and how to have a vision for your life.

Like I shared when discussing positive psychology, living a life in accordance with your values is part of living the Good Life, which is the second step on the ladder to happiness. Having a vision in life, ie. something bigger than yourself to live for, is part of the highest step in happiness, the Meaningful Life. If it’s merely something personal you want to accomplish, a life vision can also help you if you’re “just” on the second step. But how do you decide on your values and create a vision for your life?

Most people live by many different values. When Googling, I actually found long lists of possible values. For example, one started with achievement, authenticity, autonomy, beauty and I’m pretty sure I forgot some starting with A and B. However, the key to living your life with intention is to narrow them down and decide which five or so are the most important to you. You may then even be able to choose two or three that are your absolute top priority. These are your core values and these will most likely be fairly stable throughout adulthood. Deciding whether your decisions align with these values, will guide you on your path towards a more meaningful life.

A way to figure out your core values is to have an honest conversation with your inner wise person, ie. yourself as a person nearing the end of their life. How would you like to be able to look back at your life?

You will, when you’ve figured out your core values, also be able to set a vision for your life. Put simply, this is what you ideally want to see when you reflect on your life near the end of it.

So are core values actually science-based? In general, yes, but it depends on how you use them. If you merely write down a few values and never actively work on living by them, you will not gain anything from them. Yes, that includes my choosing a word for the year and only thinking about it once a month when it was time to do my monthly reflection. However, if you hold all your important decisions up against your core values, they will certainly be helping you live a more meaningful life.

Unique: Using Your Individual Qualities for Personal Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m currently quite triggered and feeling unsafe, so this is going to be a bit of a ramble. For my letter U post in the #AtoZChallenge, I’d like to talk about how each person is different and how to use your own unique qualities for personal growth.

Some people like to categorize or label themselves or others, for example using the MBTI, Enneagram or another personality test. There is nothing wrong with this in itself, but if you take your labels too seriously, you run the risk of not seeing the person you yourself are.

For example, I’m an Enneagram 4. For the longest time, I thought that because I identify most with this type, I also had to identify with similarly-described types in other categories. If you’ve seen my post on the MBTI, you’ve seen that for a long while, I identified as INFJ. I still am not sure whether I’m an INFJ or INTJ and basing my identity solely on a meme, isn’t quite wise. That being said, the reason I forever thought I must be an INFJ, is in part that I identify most with Enneagram type 4. However, the Enneagram is based on core motivations, whereas the MBTI is based on cognitive preferences, so why would an Enneagram 4 need to be a Feeling type?

Personality tests, like I’ve said, can definitely help understand yourself. However, they are not the be all and end all of self-understanding. Neither is any other method of identifying yourself as one particular type or another. Not even deep introspection. Yes, it will lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself, but if then you decide to narrow your identity down to a type or even a rating on the Big Five, you’re not doing yourself justice. You are unique, after all. And yes, so is everybody else.

Therapy, Counseling and Coaching for Mental Health and Personal Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter T post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about therapy and other forms of support when you’re dealing with mental health problems and/or when you want to grow as a person.

Generally speaking, therapy isn’t for personal growth, although as a person you may grow when overcoming mental health problems. What I mean by this, is that your therapist isn’t just a sounding board and they aren’t your friend. If you’re feeling pretty good overall, formal therapy at least here in the Netherlands isn’t what you should be looking for. After all, therapy is aimed at helping you, in as little time as possible, to overcome your mental health problems. Here in the Netherlands, in fact, there’s a limit on the number of psychotherapy sessions you can get covered by health insurance. Of course, you could pay out of pocket for more, but if you’re reasonably well-adjusted, why should you?

Coaching and counseling are much more affordable and accessible because anyone can call themselves a counselor or coach. This also means that you’ll find coaches or counselors who align with almost any spiritual or psychological teaching. There are Enneagram coaches, for example, even though the Enneagram is actually nonsense. Did I, a person who frequently writes about herself as an Enneagram type 4, just say that? Yes, I did.

There are, of course, also coaches or counselors who do work within the framework of science-based psychology and education. For example, many people call themselves ADHD coaches and they do (I assume) have some knowledge of the current ideas surrounding ADHD.

Psychotherapy is, here in the Netherlands, often heavily protocol-based depending on your diagnosis or main problem. This is also what I’ve often found frustrating. Like, when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, my psychologist wanted to do schema-focused therapy, but the modes and all that didn’t fit in with my experience of being plural.

At other times, therapy didn’t suit me because, while I sort of understood the theory, I wasn’t able to apply it in practice. This is why I eventually stopped doing dialectical behavior therapy.

I personally don’t do well with therapies that are merely focused on skill-building or that are primarily verbal (talk therapy). I have had the most success with art and movement therapies. I currently do movement therapy based on the Sherborne method. This is a sensory and attachment-based therapy approach. For example, today my therapist brought a multisensory tool called CRDL. When both of us touched the tool with one hand and touched each other’s hands or arms, the CRDL made different calming sounds. This is helping me regulate far better than any DBT skill helped me.

Shame and Guilt: How to Deal With Difficult Emotions #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter S post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about how to cope with hard-to-deal-with emotions such as shame and guilt.

First, what are shame and guilt? Shame is a complex emotion that usually arises when you think you’ve failed. Shame is not really focused on the specific action that causes you to feel bad about yourself, but rather it is focused on your identity. As a result, shame can cause you to feel inadequate or worthless.

Guilt, on the other hand, is an emotional response to thinking you’ve done something wrong. It, unlike shame, is linked to the specific mistake you made and it as a result often prompts you to try to rectify it.

Put simply, shame is an emotion that prompts people to hide, whereas guilt prompts people towards justice.

How do you deal with shame and guilt? First, identify what shame feels like for you. For instance, where do you feel it in your body?

Then, identify your shame triggers. Shame and guilt are both triggered by specific events. However, shame often leads us to feel like we as people are flawed, rather than us having simply made a mistake. As such, we often lose sight of the specific situations that trigger us to feel shame. Try to identify these.

Then, identify and challenge the specific thoughts that cause you to feel like you’re altogether bad. Shame can be helpful in pointing out ways in which you’ve failed, but these mistakes do not make you a failure as a person.

Finally, right the wrong. Do what it takes to rectify the mistake you made that caused you to feel shame. For example, if you’ve damaged another person’s stuff, buy new stuff or give them money or whatever. At the very least, apologize. And do the work necessary to prevent you making the same mistake again. Going into hiding out of shame doesn’t do any good. Admitting your guilt and making amends does.

There are other difficult emotions I could’ve mentioned here, such as bitterness and anger (except that these don’t start with the letter S). These are in a similar way related to each other that shame and guilt are: while bitterness leads people to inaction, anger leads people to fight for what they believe in. Anger, of course, can turn to the extreme of rage and then be inappropriate, but in general it’s healthier to be angry rather than bitter. In every situation, it is recommended to watch for all-or-nothing thinking that can lead you towards hopelessness and self-defeat.

Resilience and Post-Traumatic Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter R post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to talk about resilience. Resilience, basically, is the ability to bounce back when faced with challenges. It is also linked to post-traumatic growth.

First, what characteristics and attitudes make someone resilient? These include optimism, the ability to regulate your emotions, and the ability to see failure as helpful feedback rather than wallowing in self-blame.

Several factors contribute to resilience. Some of these are most likely genetic. Early life experiences play a role too. However, that doesn’t mean that resilience can’t be learned to some extent. For example, you can learn to break out of negative thought patterns, to regulate your emotions, to look for positives during a setback and to see failure as a learning opportunity.

Some people believe that experiencing a traumatic event, makes you less resilient. This isn’t necessarily true though. This is where post-traumatic growth comes in.

Post-traumatic growth is the experience that survivors of trauma are able to develop in a positive way after the traumatic event. For example, they recognize their inner strength for having overcome their trauma, form stronger connections with loved ones as well as other survivors, and find new opportunities for finding meaning in life.

The reason post-traumatic growth happens, is the fact that traumas force a victim to re-evaluate their sense of self and their stance in the world.

Not everyone who experienced trauma, will experience post-traumatic growth, but about half to two-thirds will. Again, whether you will experience post-traumatic growth, is related to how resilient you are in general.

So how do you learn to cultivate resilience? You can learn to reframe challenges as opportunities and, as a result, look at the benefits of stress. After all, viewing stress as solely negative, may lead to an additional stressor, ie. “stress about stress”.

Other ways of cultivating a positive outlook on life, such as practising gratitude and self-care, can help too.

Questionnaires and Personality Tests for Self-Improvement and Diagnosis #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter Q post in the #AtoZChallenge, I’d like to talk about personality tests and questionnaires. How valid are self-report questionnaires for personal growth? Do they have any validity in diagnosis?

The short answer to these questions is that it depends. After all, many people especially those with some knowledge of the thing being tested, will answer in such a way that they’ll get the results they want or expect. Even people who don’t know how the test works, may distort their answers because they think the test works in a certain way or because they think others want them to answer in a certain way. Or sometimes even because they don’t understand the questions.

For example, when I was eleven, I was tested with this weird sentence completion test that included open-ended questions. An example I remember clearly was the psychologist asking me “When I can’t sleep, I…”. I replied “I’ll try to sleep”. I had absolutely no idea what to say, not because I thought the psychologist wanted a particular answer but because the question was far too open-ended. Similarly, my lack of emotional awareness at the time often made me choose the middle option on rating scales. This was judged to be manipulativeness, but it wasn’t.

Like I shared before, many personality tests include a “liar scale” or validity subtest. An example on the Big Five test I got in college is “I always feel equally good”. I honestly answered with “strongly disagree” and totally thought it’d make me score high on neuroticism. Instead, that particular question and others I answered honestly got me to score above-average on the validity scale. That isn’t to say I didn’t score high on neuroticism though.

I don’t personally think it matters that many self-report questionnaires can lead to a strong confirmation bias, especially if you’re using the test for personal development only. That is, if you want to hear that you’re great, you will always be able to find validation for that. Whether lying on self-report questionnaires will help you on your journey, is another thing, but if you aren’t consciously manipulating the test, chances are there’s some truth to the result anyway. I don’t recommend relying on a test alone to determine anything about yourself, but to also always do your own research. Similarly, in clinical settings, while self-report questionnaires are somewhat useful, professionals also need to rely on observations.