Dissociation and the Dissociative (Freeze-Based) Trauma Response #AtoZChallenge

Hi everyone and welcome to my letter D post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today, I want to talk about dissociation and the dissociative (freeze-based) trauma response.

Readers who’ve followed my blog for years or who’ve read my “About” page, know that I used to have a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder (DID). Dissociation exists on a continuum from everyday daydreaming on to full-on, polyfragmented DID. I am somewhere in the middle.

First, what is dissociation? Dissociation is a disconnect between the usually integrated functions of identity, perception, thinking and memory. There are basically five different forms of dissociation:

• Amnesia (memory problems), which can range from brief moments of “spacing out” to years of “lost time” in your personal life history. It can also be full-on lack of memory but also lack of emotional memory. I, for example, often experience the thing where I act as though I have no memory of doing or experiencing something, but do remember it at the back of my mind.


• Depersonalization, which refers to the phenomenon of not feeling real. Parts of your body may feel numb without a medical explanation. It can also refer to the experience of “watching yourself”.


• Derealization: the phenomenon of feeling like the world around you is unreal. I experience this on a regular basis, when it feels as though I’m interacting with the world through an invisible wall.


• Identity confusion. This one has always baffled me and for a long time I thought this is actually normal. I mean, I have no clue who I am, but doesn’t everyone at my age? And even at nearly forty, I struggle to realize that no, in fact most people don’t experience this.


• Identity alteration. This, at its most severe, refers to the experience of having “multiple personalities”. It can, however, also refer to distinct patterns of behavior, thinking and perception that “do not feel like you”, even if these distinct personality states do not have their own names, ages, etc.

Pete Walker refers to dissociation as the freeze-based trauma response. I’ve always struggled with this, because I rarely literally freeze. I, however, do often “space out”, watching myself from a distance. I also experience the existence of several distinct personality states. Now that I’m older, they are no longer as separate as they used to be when I was in my teens and twenties. However, the identity confusion is still very real, like I said. In fact, I believe it’s a lot worse now than it used to be when my “pieces” still were more separate.