Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling quite badly with lack of meaning in my life lately. I mean, last week was pretty productive, but unfortunately that didn’t last.
Last Sunday, I was also discussing my comment that everything will be okay in 2034 with my wife. As regular readers of this blog know, I got the idea from the book 2034. Not that I’ve read it, but it’s about the next world war and I somehow decided to flip things around and say that everything will be okay. Originally, I was sort of serious, like I used to be about 2021 back in the early years of my blog. Now though, the only way I can picture 2034 is it being the end of the world in some kind of nuclear war.
My wife put things into perspective for me, saying that while it’s possible there’ll be a war between the U.S. and China in the coming decade, Europe most likely won’t be involved. That doesn’t mean there aren’t other risks, of course, but it sounds unlikely that the world is going to be blast to hell in 2034 or before.
This, however, doesn’t feel entirely comforting. The thing is, I’ve built my life around the idea that I won’t have ten more years to live. I’ll be 48 in 2034. That isn’t young, but it’s way too young to be dying of natural causes.
It somehow feels safe to say I will die in 2034 anyway. This allows me the luxury of not making any long-term plans. It allows me to take life day by day, week by week. It also allows me not to worry about my quality of life in the long run, which if I do think about it, doesn’t look good. My one-on-one has to be reassessed at the end of 2026. I’m scared that it’ll be cut and I’ll be forced to take more sedating medications to deal with the resulting challenging behavior. If that’s my life from 2027 on, all I can hope for is that it doesn’t last long.
Also, if life drags on past 2034, there’s no urgency to help me improve my quality of life. Not that there is according to the powers that be anyway. The team manager literally asked me what I’d do if everything isn’t alright by 2034. This was six months ago, when I was actively considering ending my life. I’ve not been actively suicidal since, but my life being finite has been on my mind all the time. And I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I really want to make the most of the remainder of my life, but on the other hand, I am paralyzed by, well, I honestly don’t know what, and this leads me to think that I’d be better off dead.
A Multitude of Musings 
This has to be really hard on you. I’m sorry your feeling this way. Your quality of life matters, and the powers that be should be making you comfortable, and making your life worthwhile so that you feel it is. I’m sorry this isn’t happening now for you. Xxx
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Thanks so very much. Often the only thing keeping me from ending my life is a sliver of hope that eventually they’ll get my point.
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Reading this made me think of my husband if you asked him were he things he will be in 2034 he would say dead, me I will hopefully not be dead.
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Oh I’m so sorry about that, your husband thinking he’ll be dead by 2034 too.
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No one knows when or how the world will end except God.
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Well yes, possibly. I’m not religious so I doubt even a god exists.
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Ill be 88 in 2034. I hope your premonition of WW3 is wrong, but if it holds off that long with the craziness going on now… They’ll probably lob a few H-bombs on Europe just because they can, so don’t worry about it.
I am sorry you feel so down, and I hope your fears for your treatment in the coming year are not realized and somehow it’s better than you expect and more what you deserve as a human being.
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Thanks for your kind, if a bit cynical comment. I try not to worry indeed, because well I can’t do anything about the global craziness.
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2034 seems so far away, but it really isn’t. I will turn 68 that year and more and more I wonder when WWIII will begin. There is so much conflict with various places and power hungry leaders all over. I am sure it is just a matter of time. Add in global warming and sustaining life will get harder and harder the more we pollute. I do however think I will survive into my 80’s from family history of survival – 80s, 90s, and one grandma saw 100. With health condition that makes things more unpredictable. I do have days of unbelievable fear of the future and “the end” like this, but there are still some reasons I want to stick around. Search for those reasons Astrid. There are positives in everyone’s lives. Even if it just a chance to make one person smile on a day in the future, it is worth it to be here. You touch other lives and from cooking for your other residents to creating and gifting your artistic creations you do I am sure you bring joy to many. And your post share information and thoughts that can impact your readers here at WordPress. Be well and try to focus on the coming 2026 instead of 2034, I know easier said than done but we need to live in the present or there will be nothing in the past to remember except worries and pain.
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Aw, thanks so much for this extensive and very insightful comment! I particularly love your last sentiment about focusing on the present rather than the future. Thanks also for reminding me of all the ways in which my life is meaningful. This makes me feel appreciated.
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You are appreciated, Astrid. Hope these last days of the year treat you well.
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That means a lot, thank you!
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You are most welcome.
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