I Don’t Owe Anyone a Grateful Heart

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Today’s prompt for Reena’s Xploration Challenge is quite fitting. Reena asks us to ponder the paradox of gratitude and resistance.

Sometimes, by being grateful, we can bring about change. I am reminded of a story in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books in which nurses on one floor were irritated with another floor’s nurses for their constant negativity. Instead of fueling the conflict by becoming negative themselves, the nurses wrote a lengthy gratitude letter to their colleagues. I am not sure whether this was exactly what the story was about, but this was at least the message I took from it. The fact that the one group of nurses focused on the positive rather than giving in to the other group’s toxicity, turned the situation around for the better.

At other times though, particularly when there’s a power difference between two people or groups of people, gratitude becomes passive resignation. In this case, while it can be helpful in the short term to the oppressed person to keep a positive outlook, if the oppressor takes gratitude as acceptance, in the long run nothing will change.

I will give an example from my own life. Regular readers of my blog know that I’ve been accused of having a negative attitude by many people in positions of power, such as my care staff and treatment providers in various care settings. An example is being told I ought to be happy that anybody wants to work here at all. Well, no. While it’d be easier for me in the short term if I could just accept the umpteenth random stranger for my one-on-one care, in the long run it’d mean I’d always get assigned the random temp worker because regular staff would rather support the others and chill out with other regular staff while they can. Besides, even if it’d cost me less effort to resign than it costs me to rebel, I don’t owe my staff a positive attitude. If there’s anyone for whose sake I should have a grateful attitude, it’s myself.

It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with this whole idea. I feel intense guilt whenever a staff throws some variation of “be happy anyone wants to work here” at me. I am also constantly reminded in my head of my assigned staff at the intensive support home, who was disappointed in me for never having a perfect day even when they’d followed my day schedule completely and had always assigned me regular staff. Which, for the record, never happened.

I, for clarity’s sake, don’t think violent resistance is the answer. When I have a meltdown over some rule I disagree with, being aggressive will always end in me being restrained. However, there’s a whole world between aggression and passivity. And sometimes, unfortunately, the people in positions of power are so caught up in their reality of being the ones to decide, that they (either willfully or not) ignore my less obvious attempts at resistance.

For example, last week I was trying to resist the “one chance” rule about orienting new staff. I tried going along with what the staff wanted, but this only led to further abuses of the rule. I tried talking sense into the staff, but this didn’t work either. Finally, on Saturday, I had the most massive meltdown. I am not proud of my behavior at all. In fact, I really wish I could’ve solved the issue without being aggressive, if for no other reason, then because the staff are far stronger than me and I ended up being restrained. In the end, I thankfully finally got a meeting with the behavior specialist on Monday and the rule got ditched. Now all I can hope for is that my main message, that I have to consent to every individual rule or agreement affecting me unless the behavior specialist uses the Care and Force Act, got through to everyone.

19 thoughts on “I Don’t Owe Anyone a Grateful Heart”

    1. Thank you. I don’t expect not to have any more meltdowns indeed. However, it’s important that my care team understand that just because they are in a position of power doesn’t mean they get to act on that power as they please. Unfortunately, the problem is most staff don’t even realize they are in a position of power.

      Like

      Reply

  2. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and experiences Astrid, staff in any institution have power, whether they realise it or not. The most important thing they should be doing is empowering the people they are supporting. Often they don’t get the right training, or sadly they are not the right people for the positions they hold. I hope you get the right kind of support, support that will help you flourish ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks so very much. I do believe a lot can be done to train staff on when to use and not to use their powers. Awareness goes a long way. However, this awareness should be taught to managers too, because they are the ones the staff should be able to turn to for support when they’re overworked.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  4. I’m so sorry you melted down but, being grateful is not an action or non-action. Gratefulness is just a feeling. It can be felt without doing anything at all. It can be felt and spur action, like the letter you mentioned.

    It’s a good feeling. It makes you happy. I write in a gratitude journal. Most of my things I am grateful for are my son who has profound disabilities. Other things I am grateful for are my job. Sometimes I write of being grateful for being alone.

    The point of a gratitude journal is not to give others gratitude, but to find gratitude in your life for yourself. The staff member was wrong for saying what they said, and you do not owe them gratitude, but you do owe yourself gratitude.

    Everyday you don’t melt down, be grateful to yourself for having the strength to avoid it. Write down, I am grateful that I didn’t melt down and was proud how I handled the rude staff member. Over time, you will see all the times you managed to handle people that treated you badly and you will be even more grateful for how you have been so you don’t feel bad about having meltdowns anymore.

    I am keeping you in my thoughts.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Thank you. Indeed, I agree 100% that gratitude helps me personally. What I meant to say is that I don’t have to show gratitude for poor life circumstances just to please others. Gratitude is something for myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  5. What you wrote is so true. I agree that sometimes it takes a melt down to get the attention of those with power, no matter how much we would rather they would pay attention before it got to that point.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. So sorry things got to the point of you having a meltdown before they would pay attention to the requests you have made multiple times. A little respect for others can really go a long way and it does not seem the staff has much. Quite sad. I hope things have improved (and continue to do so) for you. You are worth respect and positive care.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you. I know things were a lot worse at my former home, but that doesn’t mean they’re okay here. Like I’ve said before, a lot of staff don’t realize they’re actually working in our home, so they have kind of like a “my house my rules” attitude. Plus, many are chronically overworked, something for which I don’t blame them but which they shouldn’t shove down onto me either.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. The overworked part is hard to solve. At least here there is a shortage of workers for care facilities and even nurses in hospitals too. I am sure it is not an easy job, but there have to be more people willing to dedicate their day fully to the work. Not all jobs are perfect, but you can’t take that out on the ones around you either.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

          1. All those cuts made by people who sit behind desks with huge salaries and have never worked in any of the situations where they are changing the rules and cutting the costs. I still think those making decisions should have to experience the work place they are affecting and see how they would like it!

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply

  7. I share this discomfort of ever-changing attendants. A bond with a doctor, beauty service provider or driver should be personal, but it is getting difficult in the gig economy. You log into an app, book a service and see a new face to help.

    I prefer going to a salon, rather than call people home for a service, just so that I can have a steady staff for the service.

    Thanks for joining in, Astrid!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.