I am one of those autistic people who doesn’t like to be left alone. That is, I do need a significant amount of alone time, but it has to be on my terms. That might seem weird or normal, I don’t even know. I mean, I’m used to it being seen as weird here at the care home. Staff see it as a sign that I crave attention somehow. Which, even if it were true, well, attention is a normal human need.
I am not sure where I’m headed with this post, but I often feel like a fake autistic for feeling like I don’t want or need to be left alone when I’m in distress. Probably because my former psychologist at the psychiatric hospital used it as a reason to diagnose me with dependent personality disorder. Which I might have after all, I’m not sure. Then again, the treatment for that isn’t to leave someone to their own resources just like that.
I often have this statement in my head: “Don’t leave me alone!” It is cried out, in my head, by a child’s voice. I am pretty sure it is from a book and in Dutch, it sounds different, but I’m writing it like this here for the purposes of this post. Don’t leave me alone. Never leave me alone. Well, people always will. That’s life.
This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday for this week. The prompt is “left alone”.
A Multitude of Musings 
I appreciate your honesty!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much!
LikeLike
It sounds like you’re figuring out what you need and that sometimes you might be okay with being alone for a little while – on your terms.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, true. I am really struggling with this though.
LikeLike
Better to be left alone on your terms than to be on the receiving end of induced or forced contact on my terms
[or terms we would not have agreed to/with were we safe; sane; consensual].
Attention *is* a *normal* human need.
And the *when I’m in distress* part is key.
I wonder if it is from a book?
Those last four sentences in the last paragraph are really powerful.
And it is OK to not know whether it’s weird or normal – or both and.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree completely. That being said, being forced to be alone because a staff decides it should somehow help me to calm down (which it doesn’t) is as bad as having contact forced on me.
LikeLike
I guess it’s quite normal to not want to be left alone when feeling distressed, autistic or not, unless your distress is caused by being around people then maybe not so much. I guess you’d have to be like really detached from people not to feel any need for human closeness at all during times of distress or you’d have to have some very extreme trust-related issues. And since, as you’ve often said yourself on your blog, you have low distress tolerance, it makes sense that you’d often feel the need for someone being around because you get distressed a lot. Or at least that seems logical to me. While I’m not autistic myself so can’t say for sure, it seems to me like the whole thing with autistic people wanting to be alone is more a stereotype than anything else. Reading your post I was reminded of one kid I went to preschool with who was very clearly autistic and she never liked being left alone, whether left out of her group in some way or ignored by the staff etc. And honestly it also made me think of my Misha. 😀 Everyone says he likes being alone or even that he “doesn’t like people”. And it might look like that on the surface, he spends most of the time alone and likes to hide somewhere from people. But he’s only safe being alone when he knows where we are and that he can always stop being alone and go to someone or call out for them. From what I’ve noticed he absolutely dreads being alone when it’s not on his terms and he can’t control it, like when everyone leaves, or he gets stuck somewhere or when you ignore him. I’ve had many situations with him when he thought that he was left completely alone at home while I was in my room or something and he didn’t know, and he’d start crying awfully, and then would be extremely happy and visibly relieved that he’s not all alone actually. And cats aren’t even social animals. So I don’t think this depends on how your brain is wired. It really sucks that you have to deal with those lonely, unsafe feelings so much in this care home.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for validating me! I am not sure what to type, but your comment does resonate with me.
LikeLike
My youngest daughter is autistic, and she goes through similar phases of wanting to be alone and also not wanting to be left alone. I don’t believe anything is “weird” or “normal” because we’re all humans, right? What we’re experiencing is exactly what we’re experiencing!
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I’m not sure if you’ve experienced this, but I sometimes feel vulnerable after sharing what I’m feeling. So I really appreciate you sharing with us today.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I often feel quite vulnerable when I’ve shared something personal too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s so true that attention is a normal human need. It’s often looked down upon when people need it or are seeking it, unfortunately.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree, and the need is overlooked especially in people who are neurodivergent or otherwise disabled. Thanks for validating me.
LikeLike