I have had a lot of dreams in which I was kicked out of the care facility lately. They’re no fun. I don’t know why I have these dreams. I mean, yes, a new client may come to my home, but I didn’t find out about that until today. Besides, my staff say it doesn’t mean I’ll have to leave. After all, there’s still an available room in my home.
Still, it scares me. I worry that, if this other client needs a lot of support, I will not get my needs met. I mean, not because of this other client, but because staff will be busier. Oh my, this sounds incredibly attention-seeking. I don’t want to need more support than I can get.
And what if this other client is very noisy? He’ll most likely be assigned to the other communal room than the one I’m assigned to. However, I think he’ll attend my group at day activities, which is already very crowded and noisy as it is. I was told they had many more clients before I came, but well, then this place wouldn’t have been suitable to me.
I talked about my worries to my former support coordinator on the phone. She told me these are just my thoughts and there’s no reason I’ll have to leave because of this other client. Then again, I didn’t get to elaborate on my worries.
I don’t want to be seen as needing too much. I was often seen as needing too much. Either needing too much or claiming to need more than I got. The two are different. The people at the first day activities I attended with this agency, truly thought I needed one-on-one support most of the time, which isn’t even what I was asking for. The staff on my last psychiatric unit thought I needed little care but was just demanding a lot out of some feeling of inadequacy that was apparently unfounded. Either way, I was asked to leave the place. With the psych ward, things were a little nastier than with the day center, but the result was the same.
I saw the behavior specialist who worked for that first day center today. That fueled my worries even more. I mean, she was extremely supportive, but didn’t really know how to handle my issues either. Then again, she never got to talk to me beyond the one time when she made sure I got transferred from the industrial activities group to the sensory group. That was a good move, but when it didn’t fully work out, I guess the manager stepped in and said he’d been accommodating enough and I would have to leave. That’s what I think will happen here too. I mean, my staff are very accommodating, but what if it isn’t enough? Will we find other solutions? Will I get even more accommodations? Or will I at some point just be kicked out? I’m very unsure and that worries me.
A Multitude of Musings 
that is a horrible situation to be in Astrid. I don’t envy you at all and I can understand your worries about being kicked out. I really do hope that it does not come to that and that you can feel safe and secure where you are at the moment. Please keep us updated about what happens. Lots of love to you Astrid
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That’s hard with all those unknowns. Hopefully the new person won’t have any impact on the support that you’re getting.
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I’m confused. With the new person do you mean the behavior specialist I talked to yesterday? She isn’t involved on my case currently and also she was very well-intentioned when she was involved on my case at the first day center. It was the manager who decided I had to leave then and that manager isn’t the manager for my current home or day center.
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Sorry, that was really unclear. I was referring to the new client.
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To clarify – what I had said was really unclear.
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Oh now I understand. I really hope the supports I need will remain in place indeed if this person comes (which isn’t certain yet, but at some point they’ll have to fill up the empty room of course).
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I know that sure has to be worrisome but let’s all just hope for the best and that there will be nothing to worry about.
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Oh my dear I can see why you would worry given your past experiences, I wish there was some way you could get something in writing that spells out reasons why you would be asked to leave so you would know how to avoid those situations, or decide that this place isn’t for you. Having something likea contract saying what they expect from you and what you are entitled to from them would help everyone, I think.
I do so wish something could be done to help you feel secure. Love and light, Wendy
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Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately, I’m not sure a contract would help me much at all. It may just add to the pressure I’m already feeling and it may come across as threatening. I mean, I had such a contract at the independence training home I lived at in 2006/2007 and it was only after there were reasons I might be kicked out already and I did eventually get kicked out based on the contract. There aren’t any reasons for me to be kicked out now as far as I’m rationally aware of.
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I just want to hold you and make it better. Gentle hugs my dear.
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We have been trying to work on “distress tolerance” skills and “dealing with difficult emotions” in our DBT book. Not sure if it’s helping, and it makes us feel like we’re doing something.
Also, we practice accepting “what is.” Resisting what is creates friction that is felt as suffering in us. Acceptance of the now reality—even the worry, especially the worry—tells us we can survive this moment.
We can’t survive anything that hasn’t happened yet because it’s fiction until it does happen. Can you think of other times you survived hard things and unknowns? Can you find that resilience now? 💕
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