Joy and the Fear It Induces #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again late writing my post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today is another hard day. Last week when talking to my support coordinator, I realized one of the problems might be the fact that I think I don’t deserve to be happy. This is not necessarily all there is to my trauma-related symptoms and, besides, is it still paranoia if they are actually out to get you?

I’ve mentioned the fear of joy before. It has been following me forever, since learning that I was losing the little sight I had at around age seven. I always prepared for the day when I’d go totally blind. That day still technically hasn’t come, although I can hardly call the tiny bit of light perception I do have sight.

Then there is Jolanda Venema. Dutch people who are in their fifties or older will no doubt remember her photo in a newspaper in 1988. She was chained to a bed, stripped naked, in an institution for people with intellectual disability. I learned a few years ago that it was actually the institution I live in now. I am not old enough to have actually seen the original newspaper article, but I did learn about a similar case in a child and adolescent psychiatric unit in Utrecht in around 1997. This particular girl, a 16-year-old at the time whose name I forgot, was even more like me than Jolanda, in that she had a borderline normal IQ. Cases like these have always haunted me, but that got worse when I entered the care system in 2005 and more so when I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital in 2007. At the time, staff literally told me that, when I needed more support than the three nurses to sixteen acutely ill patients (if they weren’t understaffed) could provide, I’d be locked up in seclusion. And I was. And coerced into taking high doses of medication to prevent me being secluded tons of times after that.

I know for a fact that I’m not allowed to be truly happy. The adage in care is, after all, that it’s better to provide okay’ish care to two people than excellent care to one. And I would’ve agreed if care ever had been excellent. But it never was in the 20+ years I’ve been in the system and not in the 20+ years before that. At least not for people like me and Jolanda.

This doesn’t mean I never experience moments of joy and I do try to acknowledge them. I’m not purposefully being more negative in order to elicit better care. If anything, the opposite is true. However, as another incident this evening proved, most people don’t nearly try their hardest and they don’t think others do either. Well guess what? I do! That doesn’t mean joyful moments don’t induce fear, but fear is not a choice. Besides, like I said, is it still paranoia if they are actually out to get you? I don’t think so.

19 thoughts on “Joy and the Fear It Induces #AtoZChallenge”

  3. We all deserve joy

    And yes, I’m definitely a Christ follower who leans left politically speaking and who CANNOT stand DT. It blows my mind how many “Christians” just are enthralled with him. Makes me sick. Hubby leans a bit moderate right and does NOT care for Trump at all nor do either of my young adult daughters. We so badly wanted Kamala. We cried when he won again. We just don’t get it. Thanks for your nice comment on my post.

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    1. Thanks a lot for stopping by. I at one point called myself a Jesus follower too, but the hatred towards certain groups of people (particularly LGBTQ+ people) turned me away when I (re)discovered that I’m queer myself. I still draw inspiration from the Bible and books by Christian authors though.

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      1. Ye s many far right “Christians” do not show kindness to people who are different from them. Doesn’t matter if it’s sexual identity, socioeconomic status or lack thereof, education, race, etc.

        Jesus came to love ALL people. I firmly believe God created us ALL in HIS image and He doesn’t make mistakes. (this is based on a verse in Genesis).

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  8. It’s rough when it feels like you’re the only one giving your all and others are just barely trying.

    “Starting strong is good. Finishing strong is epic.” — Robin Sharma

    J (he/him 👨🏽 or 🧑🏽 they/them) @JLenniDorner ~ Speculative Fiction & Reference Author and Co-host of the April Blogging #AtoZChallenge international blog hop

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