Hi all. Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “love”. I was immediately reminded of a moment, about seven years ago, when I learned of emotional development and learned that seven-year-olds can feel and understand complex emotions like love. I can’t say I don’t value people, but I have no idea what “love” feels like. When I told my wife about this, she was upset until I explained that it doesn’t mean I don’t consider her special. Maybe “love” is just not the right word for it, or maybe it is.
Now that we’re in the process of divorcing, I am the one feeling the most distress over the idea of not considering my wife my partner anymore. I wouldn’t say I’m very romantic, like I wrote last year in response to a WordPress daily prompt, but I’m the one out of the two of us who feels the most comfortable with romantic gestures, such as giving one another heart-shaped gifts. In fact, I feel slightly sad that my wife would prefer I no longer make “romantic” gifts for her.
Does this mean I feel love? Or is it just something I’ve rationally connected, like when my wife and I got married thinking this was the way to go if we wanted to show each other that we’ll always be together? I wonder about this many times: how much of my expression of my emotional experience is genuinely in alignment with my actual feelings and how much is learned as part of the process of growing up? In some ways, it doesn’t matter, as emotional development is partly learned in all people. However, what I mean is, do I actually no what I feel or am I just mimicking how I see other people label certain experiences?
In this respect, I am always reminded of a snippet in a book on autism. A mother had explained to her autistic son that he was feeling jealous when his sister got a doll and he didn’t. The next time he expressed jealousy, this time at his sister getting attention while he didn’t I believe, his mother again said he was probably jealous. The boy then replied that jealous is when his sister gets a doll. This is often how I express feelings too. Does it mean I love my wife because we’re on the phone for at least an hour everyday? Does love only count when I give her heart-shaped gifts? Can I love other people besides my wife? Does it, in this respect, matter if we were to stay married or now that we’re divorcing but will remain best friends? I honestly have no idea.
A Multitude of Musings 
Love can be felt or shown in a multitude of ways, so I think it doesn’t really matter, but the fact you love your wife, even though you will no longer be married to her, that is really enough at the end of the day!
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Thanks so very much for validating me. That means a lot.
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In childhood if you don’t actually see examples of love, it is much harder to grasp. I know someone who had a childhood with fighting parents until a divorce and then a very inattentive mother. He never really got love so he didn’t know what it was. He has had some trouble in his adult life “learning” what it really is. And no two people can even explain it the same way. It is a very complicated emotion that is really what ever you want it to be. But it all comes down to caring about another. It can be a lover, a friend, a child, a pet, or even your car. A strong connection, a need to be near someone/thing, a feeling of peace when your are with someone. So many ways to say it. But ultimately it’s up to the person feeling it to FEEL what it is. Does that help any or just confuse the issue? I hope you can feel lots of love in your life from what ever source makes you happy. Heck, it can be a song that even makes you shiver, cry or be SO HAPPY when you hear it. Only you can chose how you care… and I think you and your wife will always care for each other in one form or another. Be happy as you can, Astrid! (Sorry for such a long comment … in a babbling mood tonight I guess.)
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Aw, thanks so much for your extensive comment (and don’t worry about babbling). What you say makes sense to me. My parents probably do love me to an extent but they (particularly my father) are so caught up in their idea of what a child “should” accomplish in order to prove they were worth being raised (my father’s literal words) that, once it became clear I wouldn’t meet their expectations, they struggled to love me. Which was almost literally from birth on. It doesn’t help that I’m autistic and as such express my feelings differently from the way neurotypical people do.
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I am thinking I am not so fond of your father’s view point. I don’t understand how a parent can NOT love a child of their own. The whole pregnancy and birth process is so beautiful and bonding… I know the world holds all different kinds of people though. You are most definitely worth it and more! Keep being your own authentic self, and never put on a mask for anyone else.
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Oh yes, I agree with you completely. My point actually was that I didn’t really receive much love as a child so I may not have learned what it’s supposed to be like.
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