Hi everyone. Today I’m joining the Writer’s Workshop. One of the prompts this week is to elaborate on the most difficult aspect of being you. This is a fitting prompt, as I’ve been struggling again lately.
I could respond to this prompt in several ways. There are things that make me stand out in a negative way in society. For example, autistics are not commonly valued in a neurotypical-centered world. I was reminded of this yesterday when I read an article on the Center for Consultation and Expertise website about the difficulties autistic women in particular face. I for one am often told that I’m only mildly autistic if I’m even autistic at all. This stings, as well my autism diagnosis was confirmed four or five times due to constant doubts among professionals and yet especially for someone assigned female at birth, I’m quite a stereotypical autistic. Yet because I was assigned female at birth, people attribute my behaviors to other things, like borderline personality disorder.
However, autism as a whole isn’t something that is difficult about being me. Rather, the way society doesn’t accommodate me as an autistic person, makes life difficult for me.
Instead, I’m going with a specific trait that might be attributable to autism but also to the brain injury I acquired shortly after birth or other things: my poor distress tolerance and general emotion regulation issues.
These are, like I said, also possibly attributable to autism. Many autistics face these challenges. In my case, it’s however also the fact that these problems are being misunderstood that makes it hard for me to live with them. Like I said, many autistic women/AFABs get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or the like and treated like they’re purposefully acting out for attention. Emotion regulation difficulties are among the core traits of BPD, yet they are also part of neurodevelopmental conditions like autism or ADHD. I would like to say that even people with genuine BPD aren’t purposefully acting out for attention, but that’s still what the current establishment claims.
I’m struggling in particular with the fact that, occasionally, I seem to be able to cope with distress quite well and at other times, I’m seen as the queen of sweating the small stuff. This has to do with my difficulty figuring out when I’m overstepping my own limits (or when I’m being pushed beyond my limits by others). I honestly don’t know how to break this cycle yet, as when I seem okay, people usually keep adding on to my load of things to deal with. Then when I snap, they see it as me being purposefully difficult. I’m hoping I’ll at some point find a way to deal with this.
A Multitude of Musings 
I hope so too.
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Thank you! 🙂
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I feel sad when I read about the struggles people with any form of mental illness have had to deal with but when I think about someone say my age must have had to deal with when they were growing up since bugga all was know about so many mental conditions. My eldest was diagnosed with depression at the age of 14, but has now been told that she has ADHD and most likely had it all her life. When she was a child it was thought to only effect boys. Your life is hard at times but you are a strong person and a survivor
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Thanks for your kind comment. In a way, I’m glad your eldest was finally diagnosed with ADHD, assuming it’s the correct diagnosis, because that way she can learn strategies to cope and possibly get on meds if that’s what she wants. In my case, autism was my first psychiatric diagnosis at age 20. The only reason I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid was my parents being heavily in denial because of my high verbal IQ.
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Thank you for sharing so openly about this. I hope you’re able to find new ways to deal with the stress.
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Thanks so much for commenting. I really hope so too.
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I always keep positive thoughts for you, Astrid. You are such a strong person and I commend how you cope with life’s difficulties.
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Aw, thanks so much. That truly means a lot.
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Mental health care still has a long way to go to get things right. I am not sure about where you are but in the US two major factors impair its progression – lack of providers and insurance companies controlling care. I do think there have been some advances in research and treatments over the years and certainly recognition of some symptoms, but there is a long ways to go for them to get it right still. I keep hoping you will get the care you need and deserve. Don’t be afraid to be your biggest advocate for care. Hang in there, Astrid. I believe the solution will happen!
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Thank you for sharing your perspective. Here in the Netherlands, insurance companies have gotten more power over the years too, in that oftentimes they rather than doctors decide what care is needed. There used to be this thing called a diagnosis-treatment combination, in which each diagnosis had a standard treatment with a standard billing code and price tag. This affected mental health more than medical care, because like I have said a few times a psychiatric diagnosis is at least as much politically motivated as it is science-based.
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You’re welcome. Yes, insurance companies have way too much say in health care that doctors should deicide.
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