Hi everyone. No #WeekendCoffeeShare this week, so I thought I’d find another way to sum up my week. I’m joining Word of the Week. It’s often hard for me to pick just one word or phrase to summarize my week. This week’s is “wife”. I contemplated other words and phrases, like “divorce prep”, “stressors”, etc., but my wife is the one who’s pulled me through most of the stressors.
For those not aware, my wife and I, who have been best friends for over eighteen years and married for over fourteen, will be getting a divorce sometime in the next couple of months. The reasons are personal and mostly irrelevant, as we’ll remain best friends hopefully for life.
Last Monday, my wife found out that the practical part of the reason we didn’t go through with divorce when we were first deciding on it last year, isn’t likely relevant to us. This was a financial reason that I won’t go into. Suffice it to say that, when we saw the mortgage advisor on Tuesday, we found out that even in the worst case scenario, both of us will manage financially.
I do struggle emotionally with the idea of divorce and particularly the fact that our house will be fully signed over to her. Not that I ever lived in that house or that I’m ever going to again. Practically, it’ll make no difference, but it does feel kind of off that I’ll essentially be signing myself out of the opportunity to live in a “normal” house for life. Then again, in reality, I did this in 2019 when moving into long-term care.
On Wednesday, my wife and I established a pattern of multiple, long phone calls. That day we were on the phone seven times. I was struggling with feelings of self-hatred over the ways I’ve treated my wife poorly over the years. Particularly, I was struggling with the idea of emotional vs. cognitive empathy. I’m an emotionally sensitive person or so my wife says, but I still end up hurting my wife and other people regularly. I guess that’s me being autistic though.
I also talked to my wife about how I’m regularly being confined to my room for having meltdowns in the living room. I somewhat see the reason behind this, though not fully because my behavior scaring other residents, isn’t the full story (there’s also some part about my being presumed competent enough to hold it together). However, what I clearly don’t understand is staff’s inability and might I say regularly unwillingness to help me prevent having a meltdown. I’m still kind of struggling with the battle between autonomy and protection.
Yesterday, I was trying to figure out how to get to a cerebral palsy meeting in Utrecht next week. The restaurant the meeting is being held at, cannot be reached by ParaTransit taxis. I might be able to travel by train, but that’d be quite a challenge too. Again, it was my wife helping me make decisions. I’ll most likely not go to the meeting this time, but remain in the WhatsApp group so that I’ll get a feel for the other people attending and have more time to make arrangements. By the way, my wife and I had four phone calls and she said we’d better create a new pattern or we’d have to call each other a negative amount of times tomorrow (7-4-1-etc.). Maybe I’m wrong though, as my wife said the number of times we’d be calling each other had to be a prime number and four isn’t one.
A Multitude of Musings 
Sounds like an emotional time for you.
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It definitely is. Thank you for stopping by.
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That is lovely that you and your wife will remain best friends after the divorce. I am glad you are getting everything sorted. It sounds hard emotionally but I am sure you will both be OK in the end.
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Thanks so much. It’s indeed hardd emotionally, but we’ll get through it all.
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My divorce was final last year and it sounds like you’re more amicable than I was. I wanted to just forget she existed, so not amicable but not confrontational either. At least I know where I stand, financially. As you say, that’s important.
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Thank you for sharing your perspective. Divorce is never easy I guess but at least my wife and I are still friends.
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It’s a positive thing that your wife is also a good friend and is able to help and support you even after your divorce.
I hope you get to make one of the meetings in the future.
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Thanks so very much. I am still undecided as to whether I want to attend this particular meeting at a future time, because most of the people attending are significantly more independent than I am.
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It sounds like it’s been a really emotional time, and I can feel how much your wife has meant to you through it all. Glad to hear you will stay best friends. Sending gentle hugs.
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Thanks so very much! It’s indeed been quite an emotional time and I doubt that’s going to end anytime soon.
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Having been through a divorce I know it is never easy – regardless of the reason. It is a loss and you have to mourn!
Be kind to yourself, feel your feelings and trust the process.
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Thanks for your kind words. I try to rationalize my feelings away, saying my wife will remain my best friend, but so much has changed over the years with both me and my wife that I struggle to trust that this won’t.
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I hope you will be able to self regulate your emotions regarding the divorce. It can’t be easy. I haven’t been with my ex for three years this year. I don’t know when we will be divorced but our children are all nearly grown up now. It’s hard not letting emotions get in the way. I hope you manage to stay friends. I stayed friends with my first husband (married for 10 years) apart for 30. But, I think the only reason I still speak to him is because he lives nearly a thousand miles away!
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Thanks for your kind and supportive comment. I understand what you’re saying re self-regulation. It’s often quite hard for me though.
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I mainly wanted to distance myself from my ex when we first divorced, but knew I couldn’t because of our daughter. I kept in touch and still considered him a friend. The more distant time became the more I remembered the good times and was very sad when his alcoholism killed him in just 2 1/2 years after our divorce. I hope you can keep that connection and don’t let it fade away. That is a lot of years you two have shared even before the marriage. Best of luck!
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Thanks so very much for sharing and for supporting me. The good thing is that my wife and I aren’t divorcing because we don’t love one another, but more because marriage isn’t the right arrangement to describe the feelings we do have for each other.
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You’re welcome, Astrid.
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Sounds like a tough time for you with all the emotions going on. I’m glad that your wife is able to support you even with the divorce happening and that you will be able to stay friends. I hope you’re able to get more support with helping prevent your meltdowns as well and will be able to make it to a meeting another time. #WotW
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Thanks so very much. I’m indeed glad my wife is able to support me emotionally. I’m pretty sure I will be able to go to a meeting another time.
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