Fear. I’ve used this word as a starting point for my writings many times. The idea comes from Mari L. McCarthy’s journaling prompts. The idea is to pick a four-letter F word and write about it or use it as a prompt. Well, I’m doing that now, but I doubt I’m actually going to write about fear. I honestly don’t know what to write at this point and am not feeling anything in particular. That is, I guess I “should” be feeling something, but I don’t know what. Alexithymia. That’s what I believe this is called. Any emotional state for me is “good”, “bad” or “neutral” like right now. I don’t ever feel totally relaxed I believe. There’s always some level of stress or anxiety or fear in my body or mind.
My movement therapist tries to tell me that my body needs to get used to the feeling of being relaxed, because due to my early childhood trauma, it never learned to trust this feeling. That makes some sense, in that I almost always feel like I’m on high alert even when I’m half asleep. Is that even possible? And if so, isn’t it just normal? Do I even know what “normal” is, being that I’m autistic and otherwise neurodivergent, multiply-disabled and a trauma survivor? I doubt it. But if I’ve lived my life like this for nearly four decades, is there any way of changing it? I hope there is, because this feeling of always being on high alert is exhausting.
This is another freewrite I originally typed up in Google Keep, then finished here.
A Multitude of Musings 
Trauma will do that, cause us to be on high alert, it is definitely exhausting! X
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Yeah it is. I’m sure you can relate.
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I wish I could help you feel relaxed.
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Thank you. Just the fact that you’re reading and commenting on my posts, feels good.
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Fear is something so many of us experience and trauma and fear go hand in hand
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So true indeed.
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Being on high alert is indeed exhausting. With practice, I hope some day you can feel what it feels like to be relaxed.
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Thank you so much. I really hope so too.
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We have had things happen over the last couple years which has left me feeling on high alert all of the time and it is exhausting, I find it so hard to relax now. I’ve only been like this for the last 2 years, I can’t imagine decades of it. I hope you find some peace soon.
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Thank you. I’m so sorry you’ve been on high alert for several years now.
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That is one of the reasons I don’t sleep well without medication – I will wake up to the slightest sound as I have been hyper vigilant for years. Oddly the only place I have come close to “relaxing” much is in a nice warm shower – the water beating on my back and shoulders. I guess the warmth is so soothing it kind of makes me forget to worry. I hope you find ever a 15 minute space where you can let your guard down and be free to relax a little. Sending hugs!
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Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m so sorry you’ve been hypervigilant for so long too. I’m glad a hot shower helps you though. I don’t like showers. If I have to think of a spot in which I feel least on edge, it’s my bed but only when I have my weighted blanket.
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Weighted blankets help a lot of people. My niece and boyfriend each have them.
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Oh that’s good! I have had mine for five years now.
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