Hi everyone. It’s once again been more than a week since I last touched the blog. I keep telling myself that I should write only to be distracted by other things once I feel able to write. I’m struggling badly, but I know my blog helps me feel connected to the world too. I originally intended to look at today’s prompt for #SoCS or to write a post for #WeekendCoffeeShare. Then my best friend pointed out that it’s coming out day today.
Though I was open about being queer when I first started writing online in 2002 and I was advocating for trans rights on my first blog on WP, I haven’t been very clear about my identity over the past fifteen years or so. Part of the reason is the fact that I’m still figuring things out even now that I’m 39. Is that even possible? Part of the reason though is also fear. I know some of my regular readers are Christians and I don’t want to elicit negativity from them. Then again, is having to deny part of myself in order to please others, actually a wise choice? I remember first starting this blog with the intention of writing from the heart and now I’m not doing that.
So, let’s get into it. With respect to sexuality, I’m mostly asexual but have experienced attraction to women. When I was a teen, I met a girl and felt the butterflies in my stomach, but I never met her again and honestly am to this day clueless as to whether my attraction to her was sexual. I’ve had other fleeting crushes but nothing that indicated I felt like I wanted to be intimate with anyone.
My partner and I are more best friends than lovers and neither of us ever felt any attraction to the other one. In fact, I remember letting her wait for four months when she disclosed she had a crush on me. A lot of our earlier “love” was based on societal expectations. Now that we’re clear about our queer identities, we’ve also decided we will no longer do anything we don’t feel comfortable with. That’s one reason we considered divorcing.
I knew I was asexual for many years, but felt like hiding it because of societal expectations too. Who cares about labels, I sometimes thought. Who’s going to check whether my partner and I have sex? Obviously, no-one is, but it often did feel like I was denying part of myself when I was pretending to be in a sexual relationship. In truth, I’m probably never going to be in a sexual relationship and that’s fine by me. Being emotionally very vulnerable, I sometimes even feel that I can’t maintain the expectations of a friendship. That’s probably why my wife is my only friend. I sometimes try to expand my circle of connections, but it’s really hard.
I do consider myself to be on the aromantic spectrum too, though that’s more complicated than the asexual part. I, after all, did and to an extent still do enjoy giving my wife heart-shaped polymer clay creations. It makes her feel uncomfortable, so I don’t do it anymore.
I still sometimes consider myself a lesbian based on the attraction I can experience. Because one of my fleeting crushes in high school was on a boy, I have considered that I might be bisexual or pansexual, but I’m heavily lesbian-leaning if that’s the case.
With respect to gender identity, I’m cis but somewhat gender non-conforming. I strongly identify with being a woman, which is clear from the fact that most of my online nicknames were/are gendered. I however don’t know how much of this is societal expectations once again and I do find my gender expression isn’t all that feminine. Honestly, in this case, I’ve stopped caring about labels, but then again I realize that’s a privilege too as I’ve learned to deal with the dysphoria I do experience. For example, I don’t have to worry whether my discomfort with my cycle is due to sensory issues, feeling too vulnerable or is actually related to my gender, as I take the birth control shot so no longer menstruate.
All this being said, being queer isn’t a strong part of my identity, but it is a part of it. I am glad I’m able to be open about it now, if for no other reason, then because it felt like I was constantly jumping through hoops trying to avoid being too open about the realities of my marriage.
A Multitude of Musings 
I am glad you were able to be open too Astrid, I hope it helped to express it here!
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Thank you! 🙂
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Nothing about what you’ve said bothers me as a Christian. One person who identified as a Christian said she though my first book was blasphemous because the main characters had paranormal powers. A friend of mine, who is a staunch Christian said, when I asked her her opinion, “I believe in a God of all possibilities.” That stuck with me and I think that’s how I’ve always believed though never put it into words.
One other thing I’d like to add: “No one should ever feel they have to do something that makes them uncomfortable.” That is something my father told me almost 70 years ago, and it’s something my wife and I passed onto our daughter.
I’m glad you were able to post this. I hope things go well for you and your wife.
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Thanks so much for your supportive comment. I’m glad you’re able to be open despite (or perhaps because of) being a believer.
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I like to think it’s because of, but lots of so-called believers would disagree with that.
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I think you should feel free to express yourself on your own blog.
I hope you got to do some cooking lately.
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Thank you so much. No cooking yet this month.
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My eldest daughter is gay and it was a shock at first but it is her life and if she is happy I am happy. There are far more important things going on in the world to worry about and be offended by who someone is attracted to.
Thank you for being open and sharing.
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Thanks for commenting. I in fact realized I was attracted to girls (insofar as I am attracted at all) as a teen and my parents at first reacted negatively too. That’s understandable in a society that is still pretty heteronormative, but it isn’t an excuse. Unfortunately, they still believe I made it up for attention.
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I hope you know this is a no judgment zone here. I am happy to learn more about you and your life. We’re all different and that’s what makes the world go around.
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Thanks so much for your kind words.
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Thank you for being so honest and open. No judgement from me.
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Thanks so much!
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I am hoping we are getting to the point where society will stop being concerned over who loves who… as long as it is a safe consensual relationship – love is love. We should all be able to be comfortable with our true self instead of trying to fit into expectations or a certain label. Be you. Be happy. Don’t ever apologize for who you are. Thanks for being open and honest. I think this is a pretty open community here at WordPress. We embrace and welcome all.
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Thank you so much for your supportive comment. I think you’re totally right, and in a sense, we’re moving in the right direction, or at least used to be until Trump and other far-right leaders got elected, but precisely because of this we could be sliding backwards real quickly. I mean, I remember that Obama used to oppose same-sex marriage and it’s now legal in the U.S. (if Trump hasn’t had a chance to turn this back).
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He hasn’t turned that back… yet at least. He is too busy releasing criminals from jail and protecting the guilty.
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Thank you for sharing this Astrid. You should never feel like you have to hide who you are or tone yourself down for anyone else. You deserve to be accepted exactly as you are (your wife, also). Love is love.
My inbox is always open if you need a chat. 🙂
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Thanks a bunch for your kind comment. That means a lot.
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