Codependency and Emotional Dependence #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter C post in the #AtoZChallenge, I wasn’t really sure what topic to pick. I could go with cognitive functions, but without explaining personality typologies first, this wouldn’t make sense. Since I chose the broad topic of personal growth for my theme, I could however choose a topic that isn’t necessarily related to personality. IN this post, I’m talking about codependency.

What is codependency? In a narrow sense, it refers to certain behaviors exhibited by individuals in a close relationship with an addict. The addict is, in this sense, dependent on a substance (or behavior) and their partner is codependent, as in “second-degree dependent”.

I used to understand codependency as involving just enabling behaviors. For example, a codependent person might be manipulated into giving the addict access to their drug of choice. In this case, a person buying alcohol and giving it to an alcoholic, is codependent.

Actually though, codependency isn’t just the direct enabling of an addiction. It also happens in abusive relationships in which neither of the parties involved is an addict. For example, a person staying with their partner in spite of domestic violence, could also be seen as codependent.

Codependency, as such, is more related to being emotionally dependent on someone else despite them being in some way toxic. It could also be seen as compulsive caregiving.

For clarity’s sake, though their are certain individual traits that make someone more susceptible to becoming codependent, codependency is at least as much an attribute of the relationship as it is of the individual.

How can you heal from codependency? The first step is to set healthy boundaries. This means that boundaries are not so weak that they allow others to use you as a doormat and not so rigid that you end up self-isolating. Of course, what boundaries you set, depends on the person you’re setting boundaries with. For example, you may want to go no-contact with an abuser, but keep a supportive friend close by.

Another step in the healing process is to recognize yourself as a unique individual separate from the addict or abusive person you’re codependent on. And, for that matter, separate from everyone else in the world. This means learning about and validating your own preferences, wants and needs. As you learn to be more aware of your own individuality, you’ll start to develop greater emotional independence.

Healing from codependency will ultimately help you have healthy relationships with the people around you.

I am not currently in an abusive relationship and don’t have any close relatives who are addicts. As such, I am not really codependent on anyone at the moment. However, being that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I do share some traits of emotional dependency. I was at one point also diagnosed with dependent personality disorder (DPD), even though my psychologist at the time only chose that diagnosis to make it look like I was misusing care. She actually claimed that I was perfectly capable of asserting myself, which people with DPD definitely aren’t.

Like I said, codependency is at least in part defined by the relationship, whereas DPD is a diagnosis meant for an individual. It doesn’t, however, take into account the fact that many adult children of dysfunctional families will end up showing (co)dependent behaviors in other relationships too.

22 thoughts on “Codependency and Emotional Dependence #AtoZChallenge”

  1. there is a really good book called co-dependent no more I think Melody Beady is the author, not sure I’m spelling her name correctly, but I found her book to be tremendously helpful.

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  4. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was a huge help to me when my first marriage fell apart. I think that book is the reason that my second marriage is healthy. It’s an older book, but I asked a social worker recently about it and she said that it’s still the gold standard on the topic and has gone through numerous revisions and updates.

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  5. I don’t think I’ve been codependent, for sure not in an abusive or substance abuse kind of way. I was always plotting and planning, although who knows what my life looked like to outsiders at the time.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what others think of the way you live your life unless it is putting yourself or others in danger.

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  7. Astrid, I’ve heard co-dependency described as, “you know you’re co-dependent when you’re falling off of a cliff and someone else’s life is passing before your eyes.” You’re living for the other person’s needs but not your own. Thank you for the informative essay.

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  8. Compulsive caregiving… that is a good way to describe it. After living with an alcoholic for more then 20 years I know all about this. Although I had never heard of DPD… must remember to bring that up the next session I have.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced and are possibly still experiencing emotional dependence. DPD, for clarity’s sake, is actually quite the opposite of compulsive caregiving, although enabling behaviors for fear of losing your partner can be part of it.

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