Yesterday someone on Reddit’s Childfree sub asked why many parents-to-be have this idea that they’ll get the perfect child. You might say that having dreams for your unborn child is normal, and it is. Having this clear-cut image of what your child will (that is, should) achieve in life, is not.
Of course, there are thankfully many parents who are able to adjust their image of their child if (or rather, when) said child does not conform to their initial expectations. My parents, unfortunately, are not among them.
Like I’ve probably shared on this blog before, when I was a baby and sustained a brain bleed due to premature birth, my parents were concerned for my quality of life. This is more or less normal, although it wasn’t back in the ’80s. In fact, the doctor flat out told my parents not to interfere, since they were keeping me alive period. I am forever grateful for this, despite the fact that the same doctor admitted in 2004 that he sometimes meets former preemies he’d been keeping alive that he now thinks of: “What have we done?!”
At that time, I thought he would not mean me. I was still passing for “just blind” and, though blindness is considered a major disability, it’s one that by itself does not prevent someone from living independently and going to university.
That was the exact same reason my father, when talking about euthanasia of severely disabled babies in 2006, didn’t mean me. He did, however, mean those with intellectual disability and those with severe mobility impairments (the case at hand involved a baby with severe spina bifida). And I’ll never forget that he added to his statement that he didn’t mean me, “because you’re training to live independently and go to university”. As you all know, that didn’t work out.
My parents did find a workaround to the problem of my not being the perfect child they’d envisioned: they decided that my landing in the mental health system and now in a care home for those with intellectual disability, is my choice rather than a necessity. I haven’t fully processed all the ways in which this attitude, which some of my care professionals took over, has impacted me. It hurts though.
Now back to the idea of a perfect child. Even when disability isn’t involved, a child is their own unique individual, with their own strengths, weaknesses, wants and needs. When a parent decides that their child should go to university at eighteen even though they are still in Kindergarten, like my parents did, that doesn’t just impact a disabled child. It impacts any child for whom for whatever reason university isn’t the best place to go at eighteen. Such as, for instance, any child with an average or even slightly above-average IQ. Or any child that is more capable of practical jobs than of academic ones. And any child who, God forbid, doesn’t want to go to university.
If you aren’t ready for a disabled child, a child who isn’t a top achiever, a child who might I say has their own personality, by all means don’t become a parent. You don’t know what your child will be like, after all. Having dreams is alright, but be ready to adjust your image of your child when the need arises. And for goodness’ sake, don’t guilt trip your child for being themselves.
I’m linking this post up with this week’s #WWWhimsy.
A Multitude of Musings 
I agree, Astrid, and, I’m sorry your parents did not support you in being you. It is sad that they didn’t because they missed out on so much! X
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Thank you so much for validating me. I haven’t spoken to my parents since my birthday and don’t intend on initiating any contact either, honestly.
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Being a parent is hard and it is trial and error with all children but some people are really not cut out to parent any child let alone a special needs child, I do not know how I would cope if I found out my newborn baby was going to have struggles due to being special needs and I am glad it isn’t something I had to deal with. I have three amazing daughters all with some kind of learning disability two of them in full time jobs because they figured out a way to learn stuff anyway. I am proud of all my girls and all my grandchildren, I love them and support them for who they are which I think all parents should do but sadly some don’t. You may have had and may continue to have struggles in life but as long as you are doing the best you are able to do you should be proud of yourself, as those here in blogland are of you.
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Thanks a bunch for your supportive comment! The thing about my premature birth is, there was no way of predicting my outcome even when I did have the brain bleed, so in this sense I am like your daughters. Like, nowadays a newborn preemie can go through the MRI scanner even when they still need to be in an incubator, but back in my day all they had were CT scans (the MRI had been invented but wasn’t widely used yet) and I didn’t have an actual CT scan until I was like six-months-old. This was probably one factor in the doctor being so blunt with my parents: I could be profoundly and multiply disabled, but I could also be almost unaffected. I ended up being something inbetween, of course.
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I once read in a new baby guide that parents often expect their new child to be a combination of the best characteristics of each parent. Other parents hope the child will achieve all the things they did not. As you say, a child is a unique individual, not born to fulfil all the parents’ wishes. I tend to feel sorry for the only child who may well great pressure to be near perfect.
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Agree. I’m not an only child, but because I’m the oldest and maybe also because I “beat the odds”, I got more of the pressure to be perfect than my sister did. Now though, my parents are projecting their dreams onto my oldest niece.
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No one knows what their baby will be like when they are expecting. It’s something they should take on trust and do not their best when raising them.
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I’m assuming you meant they should do their best raising a child (you said “not”). I definitely agree no-one knows what their child will be like when they’re expecting, even with all the prenatal tests available. I was reminded when writing this post about a play I saw in high school where the parents had everything genetically determined about their unborn child and yet they ended up fighting when the baby came out to cry too much. It was fiction, of course, but it completely resonates with me.
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Yes indeed, that’s what I should have written. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. One should be prepared to give 100% to this task.
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Agree completely and that’s one reason I’m childfree.
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🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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Hi Astrid, I’m so sad that you were made feel that you didn’t fit your parents expectations of you. That’s a crappy way to grow up. Every human is individual and has a right to be themselves and live their life as they choose. A parents role is to guide and support not coerce or guilt into paths taken. Thanks for linking up with #WWWhimsy xo
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Thanks so much for validating me! I agree 100% about every human being their own individual and that individuality should be respected.
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As a parent you obviously want what is “best” for your child, but that is up to the child as they grow older. You have to be careful what you say and do… my mom told me the night before my wedding not to get married – still haunts me to this day. I can’t imagine the parent who wants to euthanize a child because of ANY reason… you sign up for the job, be a parent no matter what. It is not an easy job healthy or not. I am sorry you have not been given the freedoms any child should have without the guilt. You matter! You are a unique wonderful person, not your disability. Feel the freedom to live as you choose! (((HUGS)))
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Thanks so much for validating me! I should have explained that the child with severe spina bifida my parents were talking about, was not their child and in that case the child’s parents actually wanted them. The baby was in the news because their neonatologist had proposed euthanizing them and the parents felt like they were being pressured into agreeing even though they wanted to let the baby live. I am not against euthanasia per se, but think it should be an individual’s choice and, as such, babies should not be euthanized, with a few rare exceptions when the baby is clearly in extreme pain. (There was a case about that in the news here that prompted euthanasia on infants being legalized, a baby suffering from the skin condition EB, aka blistering disease, to such a severe degree that it wasn’t directly fatal but did cause excruciating pain. This though did lead to a slippery slope effect, because as far as I’m aware spina bifida doesn’t cause severe pain and the baby would just be profoundly disabled.)
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It is hard to decide what kind of quality of life a little one will have. For the most part kids are a LOT stronger than most people give them credit. Here in the US (as far as I know) there is not any euthanization of infants, the closest you get is abortions when there is confirmed medical conditions in the unborn baby. And while I don’t think I could ever do so… it is nice to have that choice (but with the politics surrounding it now that freedom is in severe jeopardy) … sorry, I am kind of rambling. But just because someone is disabled does not mean they are not able.
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It doesn’t matter what a child may achieve, or may not achieve. The most
important thing is: who is the child and NOT WHAt is the child.
Sometimes I think my parents loved me for what I achieved, but not for
who I really am!
Roelie
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I’m so sorry you went through that too. Yes, I 100% agree.
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So true, Astrid. There is no “perfect” child and no perfect parent. Choosing to become a parent is a big commitment and not one you can map out to your own specifications. Some people are definitely better at parenting than others. I’m sorry you had such a challenging start to life that continues to affect you today. You deserve love. All beings do.
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Thanks so much for your supportive comment. Yes, I do realize parenting is difficult at times, but if someone isn’t prepared for a difficult task such as raising a child, they shouldn’t have kids.
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Thanks for sharing your experience. Words are powerful. Many people don’t realize it.
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