It’s the day after Christmas. Boxing day in the UK. Second Christmas in the Netherlands. I spent Christmas with my in-laws having a good time, then went to my and my husband’s house in Lobith. On our way from my in-laws to our house, my husband and I talked about faith. I noticed while talking with him that I’m still struggling with my faith. It isn’t so much that I don’t believe in God or that I, personally, don’t believe Jesus is my savior, but how can I be sure I’m saved if we’re saved by grace alone? How can anyone be sure?
Today, I decided to look up some Christian journaling prompts to get me started on my reflections on faith. The first one I came across asked us to write about our relationship with God. Is He a friend, a coach, a father or perhaps merely an acquaintance? I’d say, He’s a Father, but I’m not sure he’s the loving, caring father most children hopefully have.
It doesn’t help that I didn’t really grow up in a nurturing earthly family. I have hardly known love. Of course, I know rationally that my husband loves me, but when it comes to faith, I still sometimes believe that if he truly knew me, he’d believe I’d go to hell.
And God truly knows me. He knows I bought The Artist’s Way, which turns out to be pretty New Age’ish. He knows I used a censored swear word this afternoon, which no-one else knows because no-one was around. He knows I worried last Friday about the holiday money I usually get from my parents each year. God knows my heart, mind and soul. And I’m pretty sure that, like my earthly father, He’s going to judge me pretty harshly for it. And, whereas my earthly father could give me a beating and send me to my room for an hour or two, God could send me to hell for all of eternity.
And of course I do believe in Jesus. I admit I need him more than I need anything. But if faith doesn’t change me – and I’ve believed in Jesus for a year now -, isn’t it completely invalid? I do see a change in myself over the past year, but it’s so small I’m not sure it’s enough. Am I good enough for Jesus yet? I pray that I will be.
God, please show me Your will and help me be obedient to it. Help me let go of those things which are undesirable in Your view and to embrace those things that are desirable. Please help me move closer to You. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.
A Multitude of Musings 
You are always good enough for Jesus, always.
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Thanks for saying that. Have a good day.
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Change can be slow or dramatic or a process. It is not anyone thing. As we grow, we grow in faith. Sometimes that can feel stagnant for me or I can be mistrustful. As survivors, we were told we were worthless. Jesus loves and adores you and transforms our hearts. Bringing these beliefs and grapples to the surface is so important to deepening our faith. You’re doing great.
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Thank you so much for validating me! That means a lot.
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Jesus loves you. Walking in faith isn’t easy, and believing in Him doesn’t suddenly make life’s path smooth and easy. It’s very natural to worry about this and wonder about our spiritual growth – because we are merely human! Someone today posted “Jesus knows me, this I love” as the follow-up to the children’s hymn “Jesus loves me, this I know” – because he knows us and loves us, just as we are. In gratitude for His love, we strive to become better people in order to show His love to those around us. This journey takes our entire lives, right?
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Thank you so much. You’re so right, Jesus knows us deeply and yet He loves us. Indeed, as you say, walking in faith isn’t easy. Like my husband showed me in the Bible, even Peter had his doubts (as when he denied knowing Jesus three times before the rooster crowed twice).
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Astrid, I love this post and your vulnerable wrestling with your faith. As your husband pointed out, even Peter struggled with doubts. I think we all struggle with doubts in our faith journey. We have an enemy who like in the Garden of Eden seeks to whisper doubt into our relationship with God. because when we doubt if we’re good enough, we’re doubting if God is good enough to save us and keep us. He welcomes our struggles and wants us to bring them to Him that He might free us and help us rest in the finished work of Christ.
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Thank you so much for saying all this. This definitely helps me feel supported in my faith.
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🤗✝️ Jesus loves you, and you are “good enough.”
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Thank you so much for saying that! 🙂
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Hi Astrid, Was so nice to see your visit to Sunday Scripture Blessings Link up on 12/26 so I could come visit you. Yes, I just looked back, and I apologize that by accident, I did close the link up too quickly. It was meant to be open until the next morning. I think I got it right this week of Jan 2nd. Hope you’ll visit again, and share. ~hugs~
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Thanks so much for stopping by. I’ll try to share something later today, thank you for the invitation.
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