I really should be posting my Insecure Writer’s Support group post today, but I’m not fussed. I didn’t write as much over the past month as I’d liked to and the optional question doesn’t appeal to me. For this reason, I’m just going to ramble. I will post the #IWSG link and image on this post, but I won’t really be sharing much writing-related news.
I mean, the optional question is how long you let drafts sit there before redrafting. The short answer is that I don’t really do drafts. I write my pieces in one go usually and publish them onto my blog right away. Of course, I do have freewrites and some works-in-progress that I haven’t published anywhere, but even my one published piece that I wrote back in 2014, I wrote in one sitting.
Okay, now that we have this out of the way, let me ramble about other stuff. Today, like most of the past month, has been mixed. I was okay for most of the morning and afternoon, but in the evening, I’ve really been struggling. My feelings that, if I drop my mask (figuratively speaking), everyone will run from me and no-one will want to care for me anymore, are intense. For those who might be visiting from the IWSG: I live in a care facility due to my multiple disabilities, including challenging behavior. Lately, I’m spiraling more and more out of control and this seems to create a vicious cycle of anger, shame, self-hatred and more anger.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. We decided there that I won’t go the diagnosis route for dissociative disorders, but that off the record at least we agree that I have dissociative identity disorder (DID). We won’t do a whole lot of system mapping. Not only have I done this already, but it seems counterproductive to the idea of needing to practice being present.
Speaking of which, I looked up the learning to be present exercise in the first chapter of Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation and had my staff write it down. The book is in English (at least, my edition is) and my native language is Dutch, so I translated the exercises and where appropriate, adapted them to suit my needs. After all, one of the exercises is naming three things you can see around you. As I am blind, this won’t work. I do find that other exercises do help me. One in particular is the butterfly hug.
Tomorrow, my GP will get back to me about my medication. I would’ve gotten topiramate prescribed to me for my PTSD symptoms, but found out last week that it’d block my birth control pill from working. My nurse practitioner would originally have prescribed the topiramate, but now I need to work something out about getting on a different contraceptive first. This will hopefully be sorted tomorrow or at least then I’ll know when I can come in to see my GP about it. I really hope this medication (the topiramate) will help, since I’m on quite an emotional rollercoaster.
A Multitude of Musings 
There are all kinds of writing and they all have different patterns. I often write my blog posts pretty much the same way.
I hope you are continuing to find ways to help yourself and grow! Sending good vibes your way!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much! I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t really do drafts when blogging.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry that you are going through so many challenges due to your disabilities. I hope your doctor can prescribe medications or other treatments that can help you cope with it better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. I think it will be sorted out soon.
LikeLike
I wish I were focused enough to write something presentable in one go! I’m usually so non-linear that my first draft looks like someone cut the pages out of a book and shuffled them.
I hope everything works itself out for you quickly.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much! That makes sense, your first drafts looking a bit messy. I haven’t tried my hand at pieces longer than a page or two in many years.
LikeLike
We hope the roller coaster pulls into the station and all is well super soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! I really hope so too.
LikeLike
As for drafts, I don’t really do them either, unless I’m doing something bigger and am set on doing it really well or it’s simply very absorbing, then I might make a draft. But with blogging or short stories, I pretty much write things right away unless life gets in the way in the meantime.
Sorry to hear you’ve been still struggling. It’s good that you’ll be able to do some therapeutic work regarding dissociation. While a diagnosis can certainly often help in some respects, like clear up the situation you’re in, it definitely can also be very unsettling so I totally see why you don’t want to do it, after all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for supporting me. I definitely hope I can do some work on coping with my dissociation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I admire your ability to express what is going on in your life. Through your sharing, I have gained more insight into those living with disabilities and depending on care givers. I’m grateful careful thought was given to the side effects of the medication.
Lynn La Vita @ http://la-vita.us/write/
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I’m so glad my team make sure my medications work well together too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
we love the butterfly hug too! Eileen always has us do it! Hope you get on the meds soon! I’m on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I feel for you. I really hope you’ll be feeling better soon. The butterfly. hug is great.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Best of luck with the new medication and your health issues. I’m sorry you have to go through all that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much! It’ll probably get sorted soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person