First Few Days in the Care Facility

So I haven’t written in nearly a week. I wanted to, but on Monday, was still adjusting to being in the care facility. On Tuesday, I felt really off. Then yesterday my husband and I traveled to our new house, the house we bought, and to the solicitor to sign the paperwork. That was somewhat of a hassle, as I cannot make a signature that looks remotely like the one on my passport. So for this reason, the solicitor had two coworkers sign in my place. Thankfully though, the thing is now finalized and we’re officially homeowners!

My adjustment to living in the care facility has been harder than I imagined. On Monday, I did pretty well. Tuesday I started day activities. It was a good day weather-wise, so I was able to enjoy some time outside.

Then tuesday night I suddenly was overcome with shame about my care needs. It all makes me so confused, since if I truly function emotionally at a 16-month-old level, I probbably shouldn’t be able to feel shame. And yet I do. My father’s voice is in my mind like all the freakin’ time. So is my former psychologist’s.

Yesterday, my husband came to pick me up for the official stuff at 11AM. We returned to the care facility at around 6:30. I did okay other than obviously missing my husband. I rationalized that away though. He told me he was a little disappointed in how far the journey is from our new house to here. There will no doubt be a solution, for example me traveling to our house by train and ParaTransit taxi. Still, the conversation did upset me.

I’m constantly facing this bit of cognitive dissonance between the parts of me that are severely disabled and truly function at a young child’s level and the parts that can be married and have a normal life. I can’t and don’t want to disown either, but it’s a huge challenge finding the middle ground.

Besides, even if I wanted to, I can’t go back to my life before moving here. The old day center has a pretty long waiting list and they’ve most likely filled up my place by now. I don’t have a room to myself in the new house. I can’t go back to community support funding from long-term care. Now of course if I truly could disown the severely disabled parts of myself, I might’ve been able to find a solution to at least the last of these problems. Long-term care funding is available to those who live at home too, after all. Maybe I just need to admit that I’m too darn selfish to actually choose my husband over proper care.

3 thoughts on “First Few Days in the Care Facility

  1. Astrid:

    argh not being able to make a good passport signature! And we get passports and things every ten years [if we are not regular travellers].

    Good to know your points of identity are stable in the bureaucratic world.

    And – yay – you and your husband have the house.

    Thanks solicitors’s co-workers.

    And even if you weren’t 16-months-old with 33 years experience [including nasty introjects]; 16-month-olds do feel shame from being unseeable and unseen; unheard and inaudible; unknowing and unknown and unknowable.

    [Remember A.S. O’Neill said we feel shame from before we could talk and when we were dependent in being dependent].

    Also the distinction between personal shame and social/socialised shame is big in your post and its reflections.

    Also the gap between expectations and ambitions and reality is a place where shame comes to live at any age.

    Cognitive dissonance tends to encourage it when there is nothing else.

    It needs some powerful containment and some holding.

    “How far” – is like “how safe” and “how secure”. And distance between the concrete and the abstract.

    “Now of course if I truly could disown the severely disabled parts of myself, I might’ve been able to find a solution to at least the last of these problems. Long-term care funding is available to those who live at home too, after all. Maybe I just need to admit that I’m too darn selfish to actually choose my husband over proper care.”

    Proper care will help you choose your husband and see your needs in context with his – if that is a thing you want and need.

    You had seven and a half hours together.

    Tuesday nights don’t do me much good either – so much shame and so much legacy.

    [The peak of my shame-life was between when I was 16 and 21].

    Liked by 1 person

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