Hi everyone. Last Monday, I attended an online meeting for adults who spent time in the NICU as infants. It touched me on many levels. One thing that was mentioned was the fact that most NICU parents go through their own emotional process, which then is passed on somehow to their child in the NICU and beyond. For example, many parents back in my day and before didn’t know whether their baby would survive, so they didn’t attach to their babies as they normally would have.
I was also reminded of something I read in the book The Emotionally Absent Mother. In it, motherhood is compared to the giving tree in Shel Sinverstein’s writing. I don’t think I’ve ever read this piece, but its point is that the tree keeps on giving and giving and expects nothing in return.
I have been thinking about my parents’ attitude to me as a multiply-disabled person. When I suffered a brain bleed in the NICU, my father questioned my neonatologist about my quality of life and what they were doing to me. “We’re keeping her alive,” the doctor bluntly replied. My father has always been adamant to me that he wouldn’t have wanted me if I’d had an intellectual disability, because “you can’t talk with those”.
I have always felt the pressure of conditional acceptance. I’ve shared this before, but when I was in Kindergarten or first grade, it was already made clear to me that, at age eighteen, i’d leave the house and go to university. I tell myself every parent has expectations and dreams for their child. This may be so, but most parents don’t abandon their children when these children don’t meet their expectations and certainly not when it’s inability, not unwillingness, that drives these children not to fulfill their parents’ dreams. Then again, my parents say it’s indeed unwillingness on my part.
I still question myself on this. Am I really unable to live on my own and go to university? My wife says yes, I am unable. Sometimes though, I wish it were within my power to make my parents be on my side. Then again, the boy in Shel Silverstein’s writing didn’t have to do anything to make the tree support him either.
I’m linking up with #WWWhimsy. I was also inspired to write this post when I saw Esther’s writing prompt for this week, which is “giving”.
A Multitude of Musings 
As a parent, you learn that your child will do what they want not what you want, and that your role is to encourage, come what may.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you and I agree.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Have you and your parents had any therapy to discuss these difficult issues?
I am so sorry that you have so many things to deal with, both emotionally and physically.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No we haven’t and I don’t think family therapy would do anything to get them to see my side of things. I’m in very limited contact with them now and that’s for the better.
LikeLike
Hi Astrid, I had twins at 36 weeks and they were in a Special Care Unit for a while. Luckily all was ok with them. They just needed to mature and learn to suckle/feed. They were tube fed until they learned that. I’m sorry to hear of the issues you’ve had to deal with in your life. I find that ultimately it is up to ourselves to heal ourselves. It’s how we think. How we self care. Perspective. Gratitude. Mindset. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and that 2026 is a fabulous year for you! Thank you for linking up with us at #WWWhimsy xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for your kind comment. I agree it’s important to do our own healing, no-one can do it for us. I’m so sorry your twins had to spend time in a special unit, but glad they didn’t suffer any lasting effects.
LikeLike
what a challenging life you have led, however you have emerged as a very expressive writer, providing support and inspiration to others. cheers, Pauline (Happy Retirees Kitchen)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw, thanks so much for the compliment! That means a lot!
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing this. I hadn’t heard of the giving tree. A really interesting and insightful post ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I had probably heard of it as a child, as Shel Silverstein is part Dutch, but I can’t remember.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry that you have struggled since the NICU.
My first child was in the NICU. It was a scary time but it made his miraculous birth all the more precious. I’m sorry your experience is not a positive one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. Well re your last sentiment, I wouldn’t have been alive if not for the NICU and despite my challenges I’m glad to be alive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have read that book and the boy was so greedy, that he took and took and took until there was nothing left of the tree but a stump. Which he rested on. I think the tree should have set some bounderies. I don’t think it’s comparable to a parent child relationship and I’m sure you are nothing like that self-centered boy.
Sorry, one of my least favorite children’s book ever!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for offering some perspective. This does sound rather problematic indeed.
LikeLike
I am glad the doctors fought for your survival. What an awful thing to have to go through I am sure, but most parent’s should react with an attitude of save her, help her, not worry if she can speak or not – I always think of Helen Keller and all that she overcame and went on to be an accomplished writer.
Abandoning a child for any reason is so wrong… I don’t know how someone can be that cold to someone who is a piece of them. I am sorry you have such a strained relationship with your parents, but it does sound like it is in your best interest to maintain the distance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. Re Helen Keller, well she was deafblind and I’m blind and I was at risk of becoming deaf in one ear too. Thankfully that didn’t happen but I know my parents could’ve coped with that if it did happen. Their fear was more with me not becoming successful, so in that sense I’m the opposite of Helen Keller, having been thought of as having a genius potential but not having achieved any of it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, Astrid.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs Astrid, I am sorry your parents had expectations that you would never be able to fulfil, and putting pressure on you is so cruel, xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so very much for validating me.
LikeLike