Parenting Advice From a Childfree Survivor of Childhood Trauma

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s RagTag Daily Prompt is “parenting”. Since I’m currently recovering from meeting my parents for my birthday, I’m going to make a list of parenting advice my parents should’ve received. I realize their inability to love me unconditionally wasn’t unwillingness. In fact, the fear that I may have this same inability is one reason I’m childfree. This post is a random list and may come across a bit harsh, but so be it.

1. A family is not a business. It doesn’t have to be run efficiently. Yes, I understand you get impatient with your child’s struggles at times, but this isn’t their problem – it’s yours.

I was constantly shamed for needing too much help and my parents gave up on teaching me basic skills of daily living because I got frustrated and the task didn’t get done efficiently.

2. Challenging behavior does not make the child (especially young child) bad or manipulative. Behavior is communication, yes, but to search for hidden motives behind it, is actually quite arrogant.

I was told by my parents that, by age seven, I had come up with some idea to manipulate everyone into thinking I was different in all kinds of other ways besides blind because I didn’t accept my blindness. News flash: I am those other things.

3. Children are incredibly loyal to authority figures, be it their parents, teachers, or others. When you fight the school or healthcare system over something rather than trying to be cooperative, the child will experience a conflict of loyalty. This means that, just because they side with you eventually, it isn’t necessarily in their best interest.

My parents were constantly fighting the school over my needs, because the school denied my intelligence. Then again, my parents minimized my emotional difficulties. When an educational psychologist who saw both my intelligence and my emotional issues, nonetheless advised special education for me, my parents still weren’t happy even though they’d chosen this ed psych, because they were dead set on me being mainstreamed.

4. Your child is not an extension of your ego. For this reason, they do not have to follow an educational or career path you like. It isn’t their job to make up for your lost dreams.

See also above. From the time I was a young child on, it was clear that, by age eighteen, I’d live on my own and go to university. Interestingly, neither of my parents have a college degree and particularly my mother feels “dumb” for it even though she worked herself up to a management position that usually requires a college degree.

5. Your child doesn’t need to prove their value. They do not need to prove they were “worth raising” by being anything, be it independent, successful, or whatever. If you don’t want a disabled child, a child of a certain gender, or whatever, you shouldn’t have a child.

I have probably said this before, but my parents, particularly my father, seriously think that a child needs to prove they were worth raising by being successful in life as an adult. He didn’t mean me when he said this, “because you’re training for independent living”. Well, now that I’m in an institution with seven hours of one-on-one a day, he obviously does mean me, since the few times I’ve seen him since he’s barely acknowledged me.

6. Love your child unconditionally. This does not mean agreeing with every single decision they make, but it does mean being there for them when they need you. And this doesn’t end when they turn 21. With a few exceptions (an adult child becoming a criminal, for example), parenting is a lifelong commitment.

I am linking this post up with #WWWhimsy as well.

17 thoughts on “Parenting Advice From a Childfree Survivor of Childhood Trauma”

  1. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, not only because of the basic nature of my parents and they way they grew up, but because my dad had a debilitating and ultimately mortal illness. MS and my mom was a drug user and alcoholic.

    I also did not want to have children because I knew I had no good models at home for raising a happy adult. BUT I had had OTHER adults in my life and I sought that role instead. I understood its importance and how it worked. That was great. I loved all the kids for whom I was an “other” adult. I think kids need someone beyond their parents.

    We talk a lot about “unconditional love” but for me that remains very abstract and idealized. Maybe it means acceptance of the “otherness” of our kids. That I can understand and get behind. My mom was jealous of me and plain out didn’t like me. Luckily I had extended family that helped me understand all this later when I needed it. I also did therapy which helped me see what I GOT from my childhood that was really good and that I’m lucky to have — strength, autonomy, perseverance, survivability, optimism, patience. What I didn’t get? The ability to maintain a healthy long-term romantic relationship.

    Thank you for your open and forthright post! I really appreciate it!

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    1. I am so sorry for what you went through. Neither of my parents had/have any diagnosed mental or physical illness, though I do have some ideas. I do understand the fact that I’m multiply-disabled and was my mother’s fifth pregnancy and her oldest surviving child, does have an impact on how my parents raised me, but that’s no excuse. I am happy that you saw the positive impact other adult role models had on you. I, unfortunately, had very few (or rather, none) as they either sided with my parents or were in a constant fight with them over me. I am so sorry though that you feel your childhood led to you not being able to be in a long-term romantic relationship. I, thankfully, do have my spouse and we’ve known each other nearly 17 years now.

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  2. So very sorry that you were raised that way. As a former special ed teacher, I saw parents like yours, parents who discouraged their children by not accepting their limitations, not loving them as they were but as they wanted them to be. You may be living in an institution, but I’d say you’ve achieved success where it counts–you’ve accepted yourself.

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    1. Aw, thanks so very much for your kind and supportive words. These really mean so much to me. The road to accepting myself is an ongoing journey, but I’d say indeed I’ve come much farther than I was when I was still loyal to my parents.

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  3. Reading how you were treated as a child made me mad, some people make shocking parents, this was something for many years I didn’t realise as I was raised by amazing parents who made mistakes as people do.

    I have three daughters all the same by all different as well and my mum showed me by her actions to always remember that as alike as they are they are all their own person and not in any way a carbon copy of their siblings.

    They all have some kind of learning difficulties and with my eldest I was always trying to get more help for her at school but I was hitting my head against a wall, it was a frustrating time.

    I do love my daughter unconditionally but I don’t always agree with some of their life choices doesn’t change how much I love them and how proud I am of them. I have told my daughters often how proud I am of the person they are because I think it is important for them to know that just because I don’t agree with something they have said or done doesn’t change how much I love them and how proud of them I am.

    Sorry for such a long rambling comment

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by. Absolutely no need to apologize for rambling. I am so glad you make it clear you are proud of your daughters. My parents praised me too, excessively so in fact, but only when I accomplished something they valued. In reality, a child needs to develop their own interests outside of what a parent thinks the child should be into.

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      1. Despite how much a child may be like a parent the child are their own person and may choose a path in life the parent may not wish for them, then it is the job of the parent to take a deep breathe hug their child and tell them as long as they are happy the parent is happy. Well that’s is what this parent and grandparent has done.

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  4. I am so sorry life was made so tough for you during your childhood. Parents (all of us) get some stuff right, other parts wrong and it is, at times, hard to forgive.

    I hope sharing how hard it was for you helps you too.

    Denyse

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  5. Absolutely you have to be prepared for anything when you have a child. I just don’t understand when someone turns their backs on their child because they are or aren’t something. Sorry you endured the traumas you did as a child.

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  6. Hi Astrid, I’m so sorry your childhood was a challenging one. As a mother of three myself with one (and I now realise probably two) of them on the spectrum I know only too well that the children you have are their own unique little beings. They are not clones of ourselves and do not necessarily come with the same interests or dreams. My daughter couldn’t be more different to me! As a parent it is our job to support and nurture them so they can become the best version of their true selves and equipped to manage adult life. It isn’t always easy I have to say, but the rewards (a happy child/adult) are well worth it. I’m really sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced. I hope that writing helps you just as it helps me. Thank you for linking up with #WWWhimsy and have a wonderful weekend! xo

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    1. Thanks for being so supportive. I know on some level my parents probably do care about me, or at least used to before I went into long-term care. With their strong opinions though it’s hard to feel.

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