Hi everyone. Lately, I’ve had some real struggles that got me thinking hard about myself. I often want to love myself and that, interestingly, seems to include denying my less than stellar qualities. Then again, if I really want to love myself as I am, that includes accepting my shadow side too.
Today, I am focusing on one of these aspects of myself I’m not so proud of: envy. I’m exploring this from an Enneagram point of view.
As those who’ve read my other Enneagram-based posts know, I’m a type Four. Fours’ core vice is envy. More specifically though, I’m a sexual/one-to-one (SX) type where it comes to instinctual variants. These are not just focused on envy, but on competition.
I don’t necessarily consider myself very competitive in sports or games or whatever. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. However, I realized I’m an SX type when reading the first chapter of The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut and watching some YouTube videos too. I realized I do compete with my fellow clients for care.
Like, I can’t stop claiming that one particular fellow client doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Whether that’s true, doesn’t even matter to me, as I honestly couldn’t care less about his care. In that sense, I’m not competitive. Oh wait, that’s a lie. I didn’t start competing for care until I met the full-time one-on-one client at the intensive support home, so in this sense, it does matter what others have.
I do also believe envy is part of what got me to decide to enter a forum my spouse is active on recently (I left when my spouse called me out). My intention wasn’t to spy on my spouse, but rather I was envious of the connections my spouse had made through that forum. Never mind that I am on a ton of forums myself and could have developed genuine connections if I just cared to put in the effort. I probably have myself and my being a Four to blame for the fact that I never feel like I belong anywhere. Which makes me think, maybe I really am not an SX type, but a social (SO) type. I do need to look into instinctual variants more.
A Multitude of Musings 
As weird as it seems I don’t do envy, I sat here thinking after reading this post about when the last time I felt envious of someone else and can’t think when that was, it isn’t something I do. I know that sounds odd as there must have been times when I felt that way, I just don’t remember them
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I’m so happy you don’t experience envy much at all. (I was almost going to say I’m now envious of you for not experiencing envy, LOL.) It can be really frustrating.
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I have some issues with envy, especially around the amount of time my daughter spends with her in-laws vs me among other things, but just looking at a chart (I have never tested) I would guess I was a type 6. I might try and find a test to take… but I am never sure which website is “safe.” I will also mention it to my therapist and see what he says about it.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I took a few tests, but figuring out I’m a 4 also took me reading up on the different types and watching YouTube videos. Just to say, the Enneagram is based on core motivations, not behaviors, so it isn’t what you do that determines your type but why you do it. For your information, the Enneagram, like any dichotomous typology (MBTI, etc.) isn’t scientifically-proven, so depending on how sciencey your therapist is he might not believe in it. It is, however, a good self-help tool if you’re at least a little into the alternative/spiritual, though honestly a lot of books on it are unfortunately Christian-based (which is stupid since the Enneagram isn’t based on any religion).
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That is odd it would be Christian based… I will first of all check the library. They have “everything” and free for a few weeks is better than expensive forever. Ha, ha!
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I agree. I also got most of my Enneagram books from Bookshare, a subscription service for blind/dyslexic/otherwise print disabled people. I’d recommend Helen Palmer or Beatrice ChestNut. Not sure if the latter is a Christian but her book (The Complete Enneagram) isn’t full of Bible passages at least.
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Thanks!
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