Poem: Home Is…

Posted on by Astrid

Home was
At my parents’
Who were there and yet weren’t there for me
Hurting me in ways I feel I can’t express
It wasn’t safe
Or maybe that’s just me

Home was
On my own
Barely holding on by a thread
Surviving but that was about as far as it went
It wasn’t doable
Or maybe that’s just me

Home was
In the mental hospital
Where I stayed for nearly a decade
Only to be kicked out again
That wasn’t forever
And that wasn’t me

Home was
With my spouse
Again, barely holding on by a thread
Managing life by sleeping and panicking
It didn’t work out
But maybe that was me again

Home then was
In the care facility in Raalte
About as unsuitable as they come in theory
But it was near-perfect in reality
And yet, I left
And that was me (sort of)

Home then became
My current care home
With harsh staff, chaotic clients and poor quality of care
I wasn’t abused (not really), but that’s about as far as it goes
It doesn’t feel safe
But then I wonder, isn’t that just me?

Maybe soon home will be
The future care home
The big unknown
Will I feel sort of happy there?
No-one can tell
But it’s up to me

To make myself feel at home

This poem may sound a bit self-loathing. It isn’t intended this way, but I couldn’t express as concisely how I feel about my various “homes” and particularly the way people have told me I approach them (ie. the idea that I’m never satisfied anyway because I’m looking for perfection) without sounding this way. This is definitely not my best poem, but oh well, it shows my conflicting feelings about the fact that I’ve never felt “at home” anywhere.

I’m joining dVerse’s OLN. I’m also joining Friday Writings. The optional prompt is “muscle memory”. I guess repeating that I don’t feel at home anywhere counts.

35 thoughts on “Poem: Home Is…”

  1. Sorry to hear this Astrid. We all have a right to feel safe. I think you expressed yourself well in this poem. Life is not always what it supposed to be 😦

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    1. Thanks for your thought-provoking comment. Honestly, those ending lines feel kind of off to me, because they express my feeling that maybe (like many people say) my feeling of not being safe anywhere is just me being dissatisfied. Which I know isn’t the whole story at least, in that truthfully there are definitely things that make each situation (except for the care home in Raalte) unsafe. And yes, the reason I wanted to leave there (or really, asked for a discussion about the possibility of me finding another care home) was indeed related to my attachment wounds being torn open by some staff I cared about leaving etc. Which is part of life in care, I now realize.

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  3. I’m so sorry that you have not been able to find a place that feels like home. It is important to feel safe in your space. Thank you for sharing such a personal poem and it is a good poem. I wish you all the best!

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  5. Sometimes I smile even thought it’s fake and my chemistry of emotions seems to shift a little, or I go out in nature and listen to the birds, my bigger home. Take care.

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  6. I think the nicest place to feel at home, is inside our own skin. 🙂 Though it may take many years for such a realisation to come to our awareness, it can be the best home ever. Much love, light and hugs, from a very little piglet…

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  12. I didn’t feel the self-loathing. Maybe resignation and a need to make sense of what was, what is, and hope for tomorrow to bring better things. It was a difficult read. And so is life… In both case, sharing it can often make things a bit better.

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  13. As Magaly said, I also did not sense a self=loathing … I felt a quiet desperation, the overwhelming need to find the place you belong … and I hope with all my might you do.

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    1. Thanks so much! I really do hope I’ll find a place to belong someday too, but I do realize that this probably means a need to work on my attachment trauma, which has been put on hold forever.

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  14. I felt very sad reading this Astrid, and you say that this is not a good poem but it is. It conveys so well your feelings. I too am still searching for home. I hope and pray that your next facility will feel more like home for you, I wish you the very best Astrid.

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  15. I don’t hear self-loathing. I hear introspection of your various situations and looking at your perspective and whether you can be happy where you are. You are right, it is up to us. Sometimes that can be extremely difficult. I pray for you to have peace and happiness wherever you are. ❤️🙏🏼

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  17. I also do not feel self-loathing.
    I hope you can find a place that feels if not home, then at least home-like? Or that you can happiness or serenity wherever you end up living– a place within the place.

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