Mother’s Day

Posted on by Astrid

Today is Mother’s Day in the United States as well as here in the Netherlands. I’ve seen lots of ads for it floating by for weeks. It’s probably been this way forever. That being said, I never quite paid much attention to Mother’s Day after getting out of elementary school. Back in the day we did the obligatory Mother’s Day crafts. Since my mother has her birthday in late April, she never quite cared (or we conditioned her not to).

I started caring again, at least a little, when I got out of the psychiatric hospital and started day activities at a center for people with intellectual disability. Most other clients still made crafty things for their mothers. I decided to join in and create something for my mother-in-law.

You see, I have never had the best relationship with my own mother. She no doubt loves me, but the way she expressed it when I was growing up is, well, kind of odd.

That plus my mother’s late April birthday means I never quite honored her for Mother’s Day. My mother-in-law though has her birthday in late November.

My own parents have always been big on independence. I understand, but they took it a bit too far given that I’m multiply-disabled. They pretty much left me to my own resources by the time I left high school at age nineteen.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, has offered to be my informal representative with my care agency. This means that she’s invited to care plan meetings and would be appointed as my guardian should I ever become incapable of making my own decisions.

One time before I was dating my now husband, I too had to appoint an informal representative for a living facility I was on the waiting list for. I appointed my father, but wasn’t happy about it. I do trust my parents to leave me to my own resources, but I don’t trust them to be there when I actually do need them. What I mean is, I am confident that they won’t approve of restrictive care measures without my consent, but I am pretty sure they will rather advocate for me to be kicked out of care.

With my mother-in-law, I am pretty much on the same page. I am not sure she’s seen my current care plan, but she has talked about it in a way that suggests she knows and understands my need for intensive support. Even my husband doesn’t know some details she appears to be in the know about.

My husband jokingly calls my mother-in-law my adoptive mother. If adults can adopt a mother, that’s quite exactly her. I am glad to have her. And just in case you were wondering, yes, my own mother is happy for my mother-in-law to be my informal representative.

32 thoughts on “Mother’s Day”

  1. /
    In the UK, they call it “Power of Attourney”, and there are two, one financial and the other medical. /they are worth having because health professionals will seek to prolongh life long after the individual would have bowed out.

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        1. Yes, I agree. It’s not always the case though. Like, when someone has a court-appointed conservator, that person is responsible for both the financial and medical decisions. Thankfully conservatorship hardly ever happens now, as the law says the less restrictive, the better.

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    1. She is, thank you. I never really had a strong bond with my own mother, possibly because she was the working parent and my father was a homemaker. That being said, our relationship is slightly better now.

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  11. This is a very nice write-up for your feelings on Mother’s Day. My Mother-in-laws (in serial, they came with the wives) liked me too, the first hated it that my ex was getting a divorce. Your “never had the best relationship with my own mother,” I was that way with my dad. He would beat me around my ears about once a week. I never learned how to foresee its happening.
    Thank you for dropping in and for the nice comment you left on my “Cat Poem.” Please come back anytime.
    ..

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    1. Oh, that’s so sad that you never had a good relationship with your father. However, I’m glad your mothers-in-law liked you. Thanks so much for stopping by.

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  12. How wonderful that when you married your husband you “adopted” a mom too! I had 2 great mothers-in-law – my husband’s mother and step-mother. I was lucky too!

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