Today, the prompt for Reena’s Exploration Challenge is one word: burnout. This word evokes so many thoughts, feelings and memories in me! After all, though I was never diagnosed as suffering with actual burnout, the reason is more that burnout isn’t a DSM-IV or DSM-5 diagnosis than my not having suffered it.
That is, I did indeed not suffer the classic shutdown-type burnout where people are too exhausted to function. Rather, my burnout was more of the meltdown type, where I got so irritable and dysregulated that I couldn’t function anymore.
In 2007, I suffered autistic burnout. This is an actual thing and is more and more recognized by autism professionals too. It involves an inability to function in daily life as a whole, not just work, due to the experience of being overloaded, being autistic in a neurotypical society.
I have shared my experience of landing in a mental crisis in 2007 many times before. I was at the time living independently (though with a lot of community support) and going to university. That all changed within a matter of days: on Tuesday, I was sitting an exam, while the following Saturday, I was a patient on the locked unit of a psychiatric hospital. First, while there, I had to stabilize. I had to get back into a normal sleep/wake rhythm and regain my will to live.
Once I was no longer nonfunctioning and suicidal, however, I had to get my life back on track. My social worker thought I could go into supported housing for autistic people. I, at first, thought so too. Until I saw all the criteria relating to independence, lack of challenging behavior, trainability, etc. That wasn’t going to work out.
To be quite fair, I never fully understood my actual level of functioning until sometime in 2020. I had wanted to prove myself for so long. I had worn so many masks that hid the real, messy truth of who I am. Consequently, I constantly overestimated myself and my abilities. So did the people around me. Until one day, in November of last year, I crashed again. I probably suffered another burnout. That was when my one-on-one support was started.
There still are voices in my head telling me I could, should in fact go back to my life of before my first burnout in 2007. Back to independent living and college. Otherwise, how can I claim recovery?
The thing is, people who experience work-related burnout, usually don’t go back to their exact jobs from before their burnout either, if to the same job at all. Why should I then go back to a life I hated from the get-go? I try to see recovery from burnout not in terms of recovering lost functioning, but in recovering lost pieces of myself.
plus, surely there is an element that they contributed to the burnout?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, that makes sense. I had been functioning on autopilot for many years in my later secondary school and college years.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have never known it, but I have known several other people say very similar. It seems all to be about our ability to cope.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, that’s true. Besides, society isn’t made for neurodivergent individuals.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am glad you got help! Burnout is awful!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, it is. I am so glad I got help back then and again last November.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are doing well to relate in this post you health worries .
My wife Janine was a chaplain in the psychiatric hospital of our town in france .
I understand your suffering and I encourage you to always hope .
Love ❤
Michel
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. 🙂
LikeLike
The fact that you sought help is a good thing. I hope things are working better now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, they are, thank you. I still get overloaded, but at least I have the support I need now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Take care my friend
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
It really is a good thing when the burnout is burnt out and no longer exists.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true. That being said, I cannot say it really no longer exists. It’s manageable though.
LikeLike
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. It really is a burden trying to live up to neurotypical norms when you just don’t operate that way? I’m so proud of you though!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is indeed. I was raised with the expectation that, despite my multiple disabilities, I live up to non-disabled standards. That just doesn’t work for me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry to hear that, no child or adult person should be made to go through things like that. I’m glad now it’s becoming easier to be open about how hard living like that is. Much love to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for saying that. It comforts me.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing your experience! It helps one to recognise the symptoms, if something similar occurs.
I guess adaptability should be better after going through the process, as one knows the trigger points and how to avoid those.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not sure about that last bit. Thank you nonetheless for encouraging me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Reena Saxena and commented:
Autistic burnout …..by Astrid
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know the feeling…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, you do? That’s tough! I’m so sorry.
LikeLike