I’m feeling pretty uninspired to write today. I’m still feeling upset about last Friday’s meeting with the nurse practitioner. I mean, I don’t want to claim to have a dissociative disorder, even though on this blog I do sort of claim this. At least, we claim to be multiple. I’m not sure we fully are, but we’re definitely not fully singlet either.
We sent an E-mail to my assigned support worker explaining our issues with the nurse practitioner’s comments. She might forward it to my other staff and maybe the behavior specialist too. The behavior specialist replied to her E-mail from last Friday that I could ask my nurse practitioner why he thinks ACT is proper therapy for me and why he doesn’t want me to do EMDR. Some of us were pretty upset at her reply too.
Today we were upset at not being able to do much with respect to day activities. It rained all day, so we could only take one walk. Other than that, we sat in the living room or in my room. At the end of the day, our crafty part came up with some ideas. We might try making some bead jewelry. It doesn’t have to be professional-looking, but it could be cool.
So I ordered some beads at a store called Creadream. I originally intended on ordering glass beads, but ended up going with plastic ones. They were cheaper and the store had a larger variety of shapes. I got some round beads, some cubes, some rectangles and even some butterflies. Some of the purple ones were on a discounted price, so only like €0.66 for 25 grams (about 45 beads I think it said).
I also ordered some wire and elastic, including memory wire. This is a type of metallic wire that is shaped like a coil that fits around your arm. It can be used for making bracelets. I forgot to order pliers to cut and bend the wire with, but I or my day activities staff might be able to find some later. I also forgot to order a beading needle.
I think the littles will definitely enjoy working with all the different shapes and colors. Of course, we can’t see the colors, but we have some memory of what they look like. We ordered mostly purple ones, like I said, but also some pink, green and I can’t remember what else.
Now I constantly feel shame when I refer to the littles or write in first person plural or the like. I know I can’t fully be myself with mental health professionals, because they aren’t my friends, but why can’t I be myselves on here? My CPN knows the address to this blog and has occasionally read it, but yeah.
A Multitude of Musings 
That sounds like a lot of fun with the beads! 🙂
Situations like this one you’re having right now, even much more subtle, when someone invalidates – or even just seems to do so to me – any of my mental health related issues or anything really that I struggle with, always make me respond with a lot of guilt, so I get it, especially if your CPN knows about your blog. I’d say it’s your own space, so keep being yourselves, but I guess it’s not that very helpful in terms of addressing the guilty feelings as such. But perhaps this outlook will be helpful to you: your blog is your way of expressing yourselves/yourself however you want it, regardless of whether you have any mental health issues, so whether you have a dissociative disorder or not, why can’t you use the first person plural on your blog if this resonates with you, or use different names in regards to your different parts, whether they are alters or – as your CPN would prefer to think – different sides of your personality?
I’ve often written on my blog that I have had that habit of calling myself Bibiel or Bisbis and referring to myself this way in third person, I still do it though less than I used to and usually only in specific situations and rather rarely in English. And I used to write on one of my Polish blogs like that almost all the time, I only used I or me in some rare situations when I felt like it. People either thought I was very childish, or very sick, or very artistic, or were very confused, but I just felt the need or urge or whatever to write this way and I liked it. I had one person offline ask me about this and I said: “Because Bisbis is Bisbis, and me is me!”. 😀 Nowadays I see it that Bibiel is just something like my inner child and like a healthy part of me but an integrative part of my personality, not like a split or anything like it.
So perhaps, if you yourselves feel confused now about your identity and feel guilty about using your individual names and referring to yourselves as “we”, treating it as a some sort of artistic expression would be helpful, at least temporarily?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks so much for your extensive and very helpful comment! My CPN isn’t the one who told me I don’t have alters by the way and as far as I know my nurse practitioner doesn’t know my blog. That being said, I agree with you that this is my blog and regardless of my diagnosis or lack thereof, I’m allowed to be myself/selves here.
LikeLiked by 2 people
We enjoy you and your blog so we don’t mind you being you or other yous. I hope you have fun with the beads and do show us what you make.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes we will! Thanks so much for commenting.
LikeLiked by 1 person